Today my mother went to our town to sort out some stuff.
She called Ex to sort out what furniture he wants to take from the apartment, and he said he doesn't want anything - not the living room furniture that he bought himself, not the fridge that was a present from his parents. He just took the mattress from the bed, but we don't have any king size mattresses laying around, so she told him to take the whole thing and replace it with the queen size bed+mattress that we moved to the garage when we bought the new bed, a few months ago.
He got pissy and said he thought he was doing us a favour. Again, he didn't even bother to ask about me. Which in a way is good because my mother would chew him out if he did. And he probably knows that.
Then she called Ex's father, who did instead ask, and said they all miss me, but aren't talking about anything and minding their own business. She did mention that I was upset because none of them called or texted me, and he said - as I thought - that it's because they feel ashamed and don't know what to say.
It's normal, right? That the MLCers just turn their back on you after years of daily contact and seem not to give a [censored], like you just dropped off the face of the Earth, like you're worth less then a pet goldfish? Because even though I'm trying to tell myself that it's normal, I'm so pissed off that after 9 years he can just hurt me this badly and not even give a crap about it. Or look like it, anyway. I can't believe how you can be the closest person to someone for years and then be just happy never hearing from them again, but it's how it goes, right?
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Yes, it's very normal for the MLCer to turn their back on you after years of contact, etc. Even though it appears that a switch was flipped, it didn't. Your EX began his journey about 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop and it was so gradual that you probably didn't really notice the changes taking place.
Your mantra needs to be: It's all about him. I didn't break him, therefore I can't fix him. I need to focus on myself, take care of myself and ensure that my financials and assets are well taken care of.
If you haven't already done so, please begin reading some of the postings in the archives. I think you will be surprised at home many feel the same way that you do. It will take some time to detach and once you have done so, the rose colored glasses will fall away and you'll begin to see just how crazy he can be.
It's a long journey...a journey that is not for the faint of heart, we call it a marathon, not a sprint. So, buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life because it will get worse before it gets better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We only had about 6 months living together, and 2 more months when he says he started feeling funny (inciting incident: his sister had a baby which he refused to accept). But you're right, I did see the signs. I even told him I felt neglected, that we spoke more when I lived in another country. He barely acknowledged me at home, barely spoke to me, then started texting OW all the time in the last few weeks.
To be honest I'm not sure if it will get worse. We have no reason to keep in contact, and I'll be staying abroad as much as I can to avoid the whole thing and have fun with my friends. At the moment, I think we're just never going to speak again, and that will be it.
On the one hand, I feel lucky because I don't have to go through all the crap I read about on this board. But on the other hand, it hurts me that he can just never look back or speak to me again for no good reason whatsoever after so long. At least if he stuck around stringing me along I would know he gives a crap.
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
If you felt like he gave a crap he might be able to string you along for a few more years with occasional pretty words. Take a look at how long some of the married LBS with kids here have waited and watched for their MLC WAS to work through their issues. I would count your blessings, work on YOU and learn what you can out of this, and if he comes around someday he does and if he doesn't he doesn't...your life will be good either way.
In my opinion, where I was heading, if you had not been raised and groomed to take on burdens and be long-suffering, you might have ended your relationship when you realized he was not good for you.
I was raised and groomed to be most comfortable with a man who withheld affection and denied intimacy, who was controlling, and downright mean increasingly, and I was patient and long-suffering and not one to back out of a commitment...no matter what. I couldn't see that I should ask for more, and I couldn't take a step to save myself it just seemed dishonorable or disloyal. I'm actually glad I've been dumped because I learned so much about how I got here and why, and what I might have not accepted had I known more. I see some of that in you too. Long-sufferingness is not entirely a virtue.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you, Adinva. Your words are a real eye-opener. I had never seen it that way, but really... you're right. If I hadn't grown up to believe that that's how it's supposed to be, I would have demanded more.
I wonder if I can make it out of this cycle alone, or if I might be better off seeking therapy for it...
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
I'm feeling very detached today, and I had a moment of clarity.
I would never want to trade places with him in this situation. I was griping and moaning about how unfair it is that I have to suffer because of his selfish actions, and that I don't deserve it, and that is still true.
But you know what? I'm in pain, but at least I have the knowledge that I didn't betray his trust, didn't cheat on him, didn't lie to him, didn't act like a selfish, horrible person, didn't destroy my integrity as a person.
Unless he's a sociopath, I don't know how he can stand the guilt. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, I'm happy I'm not in his shoes, because I don't know how I could live with that burden.
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Today my mother went to our town to sort out some stuff.
She called Ex to sort out what furniture he wants to take from the apartment, and he said he doesn't want anything - not the living room furniture that he bought himself, not the fridge that was a present from his parents. He just took the mattress from the bed, but we don't have any king size mattresses laying around, so she told him to take the whole thing and replace it with the queen size bed+mattress that we moved to the garage when we bought the new bed, a few months ago.
He got pissy and said he thought he was doing us a favour. I believe he did think that. Hence not taking things he paid for. Does this matter? If so, why and I mean, specifically?
Again, he didn't even bother to ask about me. Which in a way is good because my mother would chew him out if he did. And he probably knows that.
I did try to address this ^^ earlier. The context of the conversation is NOT one in which he'd be motivated to ask about you, NOR would any answer she can give, feel helpful to you...see if you can find my rather long post to you, and respond to some of those points...I lack the time atm.
Then she called Ex's father, who did instead ask, and said they all miss me, but aren't talking about anything and minding their own business. She did mention that I was upset because none of them called or texted me, and he said - as I thought -that it's because they feel ashamed and don't know what to say. So, Reassure them that they are not responsible for his choices...IF you want a R with them. I think the ball is in your court now, on this issue. BTW, have you reached out to them during this?
And fyi, in the two YEARS my h was gone, his mother and brother called me and our daughters who were still here (son was at college), exactly zero times. Sure, THAT is lousy...but then, What can they say or do that will help YOU? That their son/brother is a jerk?
That makes them feel uncomfortable and disloyal, not to mention that they have only heard their son/brother's version...
But even if they said "yes he's a jerk. AND You are "right" and he is "wrong", how would that help or change your course of action?
It's normal, right? That the MLCers just turn their back on you after years of daily contact and seem not to give a [censored], like you just dropped off the face of the Earth, like you're worth less then a pet goldfish? Please see my long post to you about this^, and guilt and shame and how it does NOT HELP YOU
and how it frequently converts into a desire to flee your presence...or to blame you
Because even though I'm trying to tell myself that it's normal, I'm so pissed off that after 9 years he can just hurt me this badly and not even give a crap about it. ^^More mind reading and recycling thru this....which is standard I guess. But you can stop this, and really only you can.
Or look like it, anyway. I can't believe how you can be the closest person to someone for years and then be just happy never hearing from them again, but it's how it goes, right?
MIND READING AGAIN....
So, back to YOU....what are your GAL activities and 180s now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm feeling very detached today, and I had a moment of clarity.
I would never want to trade places with him in this situation. I was griping and moaning about how unfair it is that I have to suffer because of his selfish actions, and that I don't deserve it, and that is still true. Actually you do Not "have to suffer" any more. In the end it is up to YOU what you feel and do about others in your life. When you detach more, you'll see this and then feel it.
But you know what? I'm in pain, but at least I have the knowledge that I didn't betray his trust, didn't cheat on him, didn't lie to him, didn't act like a selfish, horrible person, didn't destroy my integrity as a person. This must be enough for you^^^....you have no control over how HE feels or will feel or might feel AND you will Not know how he feels anyhow, (unless a very rare thing happens and he feels it AND tells you.)
So let your conscience be your pay off b/c it's all you control anyhow.
Unless he's a sociopath, I don't know how he can stand the guilt. As I said earlier, chances are, he won't feel "guilt," per se. He might feel it, but it will convert into anger at you, for "causing" him discomfort or any form of loss. In fact, my x bil regretted leaving my sister, but then seemed to feel as if "it happened TO HIM", like he was thinking (I concede I'm interpreting his comments my own way) "Oh gee, I 'LOST' my family/wife/marriage...woe is me"...
even though he told my sister that HE "f'd up", he did NOT offer to change. He simply seemed to think a "cancer of sorts", had infected HIM and that HE suffered a loss...not that he damaged a lot of others but more about his own loss. I think lot of folks do that.
I have a friend who cheated on her h and they divorced. I rather politely asked her about all this, b/c I could not believe SHE would make those choices, plus I Liked her h.
She said, and I'm quoting, "Oh, I f'd up. I blew it. My h was a good man. I lost my h, my house and I almost lost my kids...Now, I'm dating OM"...
and while I appreciated how she took responsibility for it all, I also noted that she did not continue to ruminate about it. She had moved on and was very happily dating OM. No, it's not fair. But What should her h do about that^^???? I submit he should live as happily as HE chooses, and move forward.
In the end, what choice do we have when someone else rejects us? 1) To let our wound fester and slowly kill us, or 2) to let ourselves heal, taking steps to insure it does?
I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Honestly, I'm happy I'm not in his shoes, because I don't know how I could live with that burden.
So, you're saying you'd take your own life?
I didn't think so...I think you have to stop projecting yourself into his shoes
OR if you insist on doing it, then be more realistic. He is not you. He has rationalized and justified his actions. Most WAS's rationalize their behavior because it's very very rare for someone to say "I choose to be a selfish jerk".
The rationalizing is what happens...and though it sort of terrifies us, it also helps us to keep the focus on OUR choices.
B/c that is all we control.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
and for the record, I reconciled with my h, and yes this is a marriage support site. But I had DECADES of a very strong m, with a giving h and father, before his changes.
And you are not married, you have no kids, and he has given you the gift of revealing how HE REACTS to the slightest of stresses.
Life gives ALL of us some curve balls. You had many at a young age, so please bear in mind what curve balls your bf is NOT throwing at you, which is what would happen if he had stayed and been miserable, AND you had kids, AND you spent/invested even more time and money into this R --
and then when you really needed his support, he'd be gone... He's not the one for you, (surely not as he is now).
If that changes, then you'll KNOW.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you so much guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice. Thank you so much for taking the time and making the effort to help me and the others, it's really wonderful of you and you're really doing us a world of good!
25yearsmlc I noticed you just passed 10'000 posts... I've been reading a lot of your posts in other people's threads and I have been digesting your advice. It's hard to untangle myself from the situation and detach, but I know I have to do it, hopefully one step at a time I will succeed.
- re: the guilt. The temptation to get angry and try to make him feel horrible about what he's done is so strong sometimes, but I'm resisting. It doesn't help anyone. I managed to hold back at the BD and the phone calls that followed, I was as level headed as I could and told him I just want him to be happy and that if it means I have to step back, or he's happier with OW, or whatever, then it's fine. And I left it at that. It's a good way to exit the scene, whether it's forever or for a while, so everytime I feel the need to get angry or guilt him, I pour it out here on the forum instead. I don't want him to see me like that, and I doubt it would make me feel better anyway. I think about it less and less, and I know I'll have relapses, but I'm determined to stay strong and move on!
- his family. Yes, we have reassured them there's no hard feelings between us, that they have nothing to be ashamed of - but I understand them, in their place I would probably feel the same. I was in touch with his dad and mom when it happened, but now I'm taking a break from them as well, because it's just too painful. Maybe when I've detached a bit more I'll be able to maintain a R with them more serenely, but at this point in time it wouldn't do me any good.
- I understand part of me wants to keep focusing on him because that way I don't have to focus on myself, because that's where the hard part lies! That needs to stop.
My issue is that I feel scared because now my future is once again all up in the air and I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know where I want to live. I was done with London and happy to be home settling down, and now that that's not an option anymore, I don't know if I can get back to wanting to go to London alone and focusing on my PhD and a potential teaching career. I had finally moved on to wanting what I thought he wanted all along, and now... I need to understand what future I want for myself. I'm having trouble seeing that at the moment. I'm trying to take it one day at a time without forcing myself to make big life-altering decisions while I'm so confused, hopefully I will gain some clarity with time.
My main GAL for the moment was coming to Wales to stay with this friend of mine and going around exploring the place, but right after I arrived his mother had that terrible accident, so now I'm mostly focusing on him and what I can do to help... which once again gives me an excuse not to work on myself, I guess. I think I might stay here a while longer and the both of us will GAL together, because he needs it too, now.
Right now, I have 10 days to finish a novel I need to hand in to my publisher, so that's my main focus and concert until June 1st.
I'm not sure I can make long term plans like a course in something because I have no clue where I will be in a month's time, but some small goals I'm setting for myself (some very small... one day at a time...) for this week are:
- sign up for the local gym to use the facilities but mostly the swimming pool - related to that: purchase bathing suit, protection for hair, pamper myself a bit and wax. Also buy a nice nail varnish and have a manicure because YES! - go visit the beaches nearby - go visit Pembroke castle - make an appointment with local GP to get a STD test, because I don't know what Ex did before asking for the break and I want to protect myself - hang out with the lovely Breton lady that owns the café and bakery nearby. She has asked me if I would like a job there if I decide to stay for the summer, and if that's the case, I'd love to have them teach me how to bake bread - keep taking care of the house to help my friend out - groceries, cleaning, laundry, making sure he eats properly - buy clothes for a wedding where I'll be a bridesmaid at the end of June, and help organise the hen do for June 8th
Once I have decided where I will be over the summer, I want to sign up for some courses, some long-term activities. I need to check out what's available in the place, but I'd like to take singing lessons and a self-defense class.
And also, I had set aside a semester in Spain to stay in Italy with Ex, so now I'm in touch with my tutor to set that back up. I have several close friends in Madrid and it would be wonderful to spend a semester there improving my Spanish.
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
