living with WAW who hasn't walked yet (4)

[zew]

I'm actually kind of worried about her.

(Yes, that's been my problem all along. I rescue.)

Did I mention there's family history of bipolar disorder? Her mom and sister are worried that it's her turn.

I don't know - maybe MC/LMHC will address some of her behavior with her. After the whole outing of the A to family and all, this just seems totally irrational. She knows the consequences of D, and that everyone will watch it unfold in front of them, and if I tell family about OM2, wow. Just seems so self destructive. She's torching everything. Is there a cry for help here?

MIL/SIL are concerned that she has flipped out, understand if I leave, but hope I can get her help. Just a little more pressure.

I about 4 weeks W/kids will go to visit MIL/SIL for a few weeks. That will be the next intervention.

[zew]

meeting tomorrow with my DB coach.

[Starsky309]

I'm actually kind of worried about her.

(Yes, that's been my problem all along. I rescue.)

"How's that workin' out for ya!" (Dr. Phil)

[zew]

That should read:

In about 4 weeks W/kids will go to visit MIL/SIL for a few weeks. That will be the next intervention.

I won't be there.

[zew]

"How's that workin' out for ya!" (Dr. Phil)

I hear ya, buddy.

Thinking fast today... dangerous, I know.
So if we're at MC, and I happen to say that for M to work, A would have to be over, and you couldn't start any new ones, how could MC not ask? How could this not come out? How on earth does she not get confronted by this at MC. Does she try denial again? That wasn't a winning strategy last time.

And if MC suggests D, how does that sit with W? She doesn't want D, that interferes with cake eating. And if I say "I think you're right, D is the answer." then what?

Maybe this MC will be good because it will give her something to think about on the long drive to MIL/SIL and the 2 weeks she's there in relative isolation.

[Starsky309]

Thinking fast today... dangerous, I know.
So if we're at MC, and I happen to say that for M to work, A would have to be over, and you couldn't start any new ones, how could MC not ask? How could this not come out? How on earth does she not get confronted by this at MC. Does she try denial again? That wasn't a winning strategy last time.

Why do you always seem to be looking or a way to "trap" your wife into saying something or admitting something, or -- worse yet -- getting the MC to somehow get her to do it? GOOD GOD, you overthink everything!!! (YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME!!!!)

Why not just simply say "I don't really want a divorce, and I'm willing to work on the marriage, including my own issues that didn't meet your needs. However, I'm not willing to do that as long as there's a 3rd person in the marriage. So you can deny the last affair all you want and you can deny this new guy all you want, but I'm done talking about it and I'm done wasting my time and money here. This insults my intelligence and not only is it incredibly disrespectful to our marriage and our family, frankly -- it's very unattractive."

And get up and leave.

[Pluto]

Wow, Starsky.. that's great.

I feel like I need to do something similar with my wife - I'd love for you to swing a 2x4 my way if you wouldn't mind. My sitch.

Don't mean to hijack, zew - I'm sorry it sounds like your WAW is going head-first back into the sand, just when it sounded like she might be coming around.

I'd agree with Starsky though, she's not wanting a D but not wanting to commit to you, so I think maybe you might need to make a move such as this. I'm preparing to see an L about getting a separation agreement in place with my WAW, despite the fact that it's not something I want to do - I just feel I have no other choices and need to start protecting myself - in my case, she does want the D (and even as recently as last week suggested we try petitioning the courts to waive the 1-year separation requirement).

[sandi2]

Is this MLC? Is there any way this makes sense to her?

What if it is MLC? Does that change anything? Would it somehow make you feel better? Not anymore than hearing she's bipolar. I think you are just seeking some kind of diagnosis or label to give this craziness.

So, she was outed to her family. I don't have details about how the A ended, just that OM slid under a rock. What I am seeing in the information I read, is that she has not changed her mind/heart, and since she's already been exposed then why hold back now? She might as well live it up the way she chooses.......not how her H or family chooses for her.

As I said before, she may have agreed (with you strongly insisting) to go to MC, but it was just lip service to get people off her back at the time. When there is no remorse after you've been outed, there's nothing left but rebellion and resentment. Oh, and she does feel very entitled. If she ever has a doubt, her posse will set her straight. It doesn't have to make sense to her, b/c she running on the high she gets from it.......just like a drug user.

I do not say any of this with a cold heart. If I had not had a dose of the waywardness myself, I would be exactly like you and her family. If it were my sister, daughter, or spouse.....I would think there must be something terribly wrong with her. And if there was one sibling with bipolar, I would probably wonder if she had it. However, I can tell you a wayward spouse can act as if they are bipolar. But there is no medication for waywardness........(in pill form).

So I don't think she ever had intentions of turning around. She sees she survived the heat, and continues going on however she chooses. You may have drawn a line in the sand, but she more than stepped over it and daring you to do something about it.

[zew]

Sandi, we are on the same page.

[OneDay]

Dam, Zew! I hate to say it, but I think sandi is right on the money. It sounds so much like my sitch, except my WAW completely denied being involved with OM and only said "she might be talking with someone and thats it." She also said at one point I might have made a bad choice and Im not going to put myself in that situation anymore, But I clearly knew she was involved and going over to his mothers house (yes he lives with his mother) on several occasions.

..... Moments after I confronted her she continued to talk/see OM. I might have "tried" to draw the line but she defiantly stepped right over it without any regret. Heck, she might have even pursued OM harder. I know after I set some boundaries (which needed to be done) that it really made her determined to find her own place.

My WAW moved out 2 months and I have no Idea if she still involved with OM. Its the hardest thing to deal with, trust me Im still dealing with it. I want to know if she's with OM. I know if wont do me any good to find out, but its hard to take your mind off of it.

Your right, they dont seem like the same person anymore. I dont know how many times I've said something is mentally wrong with her. They seem to care only about themselves and OM/OP, and It SU#k's, it Su#k's bad.