Maybe not ideal, as you said, but I really believe it's better like this....than like it was.
She doesn't get to pretend there no third party now. She's having to face some harsh issues, which must happen in order for her to get through this process.
Keep standing tall and showing her that you can't be pushed around. Stay in close contact with us Zew. Please don't drop out of sight and cause us to wonder what happened.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WOW, good for you ZEW. But I thought everyone on here says not to bring up OM, but whatever you did obviously had an impact. I know your WAW is still living with you and sleeping in the same bed, so maybe its different.
Even though my WAW moved out a few months ago I want ask her if she's still seeing OM, (which she denied when we were living together)
I hope your sitch turns around and you guys are able work something out.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
. . . But I thought everyone on here says not to bring up OM, but whatever you did obviously had an impact. . . .
Even though my WAW moved out a few months ago I want ask her if she's still seeing OM, (which she denied when we were living together)
. . .
You will notice that Zew didn't "ask" anything. His was a firm "I know all about you and ________, and it has to stop" type of stance.
What people around here recommend you avoid is constantly asking, begging, accusing, supplicating behavior. There is NOTHING wrong with a strong, decisive, "I will not live in an open marriage and I know all about your affair" stance . . . in fact, I strongly recommend it.
Maybe not ideal, as you said, but I really believe it's better like this....than like it was.
God, yes. I am greatly relieved because the pretense is all gone. You all know how that was getting to me. I noticed I'm not sleeping at night though, maybe because I just don't know what's coming next. What I do know is that I will face whatever comes head on. On the other hand, maybe it's the new espresso machine at work.
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You will notice that Zew didn't "ask" anything. His was a firm "I know all about you and ________, and it has to stop" type of stance.
Oh man, yes. Friday was an action day. There was just no more playing around.
Monday, I told W we had to try MC. Told her I used to be confident we could make this work, but after the events of Friday, I wasn't at all sure I even wanted it to work.
Then she started making demands to protect OM's privacy and I shut that right down. Demands! No mood for demands. There is nothing I care less about than OM and his reputation. I'm not going out of my way to get him, but I'm not cleaning up any messes either.
Friday, W effectively lost her plan A and her plan B. She doesn't know what she wants yet, but I can tell you she knows I'm not a sure thing anymore.
I used to hope she would pick me as her plan A. Now her choices are not so much A or B, but M or D. Told her at this point I didn't care how, but I had to stop getting hurt.
Hey, I'm still early on in this, so what do I know about anything. However, I think the live-in WAW in an A is a special beast that you just can't ride out. They have NO sense of loss because there is no loss. At least with separation you have the loss of contact working in your favor over time. I think you have to intervene with the live-in. I reserve the right to amend this theory.
So, I'm moving forward with a little bit of knowledge, and the blind confidence that I can solve anything from first principles.
zew, I've been following your sitch closely, as it has been fairly similar to mine; WAW in an A - but still lives with me, mind you in separate rooms - and while she didn't deny the A (nor confirm it, either) at first - I confronted her once I had evidence to confirm it.
It seems like your confrontation had more of an impact on your W, mine seems to have dug in and is more committed to the A than before.
I do agree they need to feel a loss, and don't dispute stepping in. Seems like you handled it fairly well. Good job!
-Pluto
H: 29 W: 27 No Kids
Together: 12/04 (9 years) Living: 02/09 (5 years) Married: 06/13 (11 months) ILYBNILWY: 01/14 Separate Bedrooms: 01/14 Discovered Affair: 02/14 (On-going) W Moved Out: 06/14
W has been hanging out with a twice D'd single mom. Her new best friend. The other night they went out and apparently some new OM hit on W. W is considering starting a new A with a new OM. Not a PA yet, just flirting.
W has agreed to go to MC. I've been carefully interviewing and will pick one today.
What is the point in any of this any more?
W wants to go do things and have fun. I would love to, but I'd like to see some commitment first. In the mean time, she goes out with someone else.
We have to go to the MC session. Maybe that's where it all comes out. Are you willing to work on M or are we going to start this cycle again? Do I confront again before this goes too far? Or do I just file. I just can't see going through this again.
Otherwise, I was out GAL last night with a fun group, had a wonderful time. Then came back to this news.
Yeah, I was concerned that there might end up being an OM2 before this was all said and done, based on the limbo you two were in and your wife's stubborn persistence in not ending her affair (or even ADMIT it!) with OM1. It's pretty common, and one of the reasons why I don't go for the "Little Bo-Peep" approach (not saying you were doing that necessarily) nor do I draw any comfort with the much-thrown-out stat of "most affairs end within 6 months." Because unless both the affair and the underlying marital dysfunctions are addressed immediately, even if an affair with OM1 should end -- and especially if its end is initiated by the OM and not by the wayward wife -- there usually ends up being an OM2 (and an OM3, and . . . ).
What are you going to do? Personally I don't really see where MCing is going to be fruitful in your wife's current wayward state. Are these sessions costing you guys $$$, or is this thru an employer EAP or something?
We will go to a couple of MC sessions. Take that as a given. (I'll explain someday.) I have no expectation of them being productive, since W has apparently no desire. She's pretty much over OM1 now, she broke up with him before, it was quicker this time. I want to get an MC session in before she gets hooked on OM2.
About all I hope to establish with MC is that I am willing to put everything on the table, and maybe she sees that there actually is an alternative there. What she wants to do is have fun and do things. It would be like dating again. She doesn't believe it can happen with me. It's as if she's asking for pursuit. I'm not interested until I see some change on her side for some very basic issues.
If a session or two of MC can establish that I'm an alternative, then I guess she has a choice to make, and PDQ in my mind. It will be pretty obvious if she buys into MC.
As for payment of MC. Some MC's are covered, some aren't. I could probably get the EAP to cover anyone for a while. I have yet to find a solutions-based one that is covered, but really, I don't care, I'll foot the bill. I bet we only get a couple of sessions in before it will be obvious whether it's at all worthwhile.
At that point, what choice would I have? Everything would be out in the open, wouldn't it; her choice would have been made. OM1 you can call a mistake. OM2, not so much. I'm not going to Bo-peep OM2. I can't imagine why I wouldn't file at that point.
Zew, I feel like I'm in the same boat- wanting to show WAW my new self and knowing that we could have fun and do new exciting things, but not unless she's committed to working on things and OM is out of the picture. Frustrating, isn't it?
