Reach out or stay dark?

[Anders]

We had an incredible first few years of our relationship. One filled with passion and love, a shared vision for our future.

However, soon after we moved in together, and after we got married, we begun to get into a cycle of nagging from her about my cleaning the house and my withdrawing until eventually, I behaved like the WAS as I felt she was ignoring my requests to talk about the issues I perceived between us. We continued to live together. She tried her best to stay engaged and postive with me. This only made me more hostile and withdrawn

This lasted for a year and half. Towards the end of this period, she moved to another city for work. At first, I felt relieved to have the space. However, within a couple of months, I begun to wake up and really realize what I had put her through.

I expressed my remorse. At first, it was well received but within a couple of weeks, she became hostile and for the last year and half, has been the WAS. I did everything wrong including begging, pleading, showing her what progress I was making on myself. She asked for a separation in Sept. 2013 after I confronted her about an EA which she admitted.

We saw each other once before Christmas and then she came home for a couple of weeks over Christmas. Still very hostile and distant towards me and some of my friends.

We begun to stay in touch a bit more but she still seemed ambivalent about staying or ending our marriage. I visited her in February this year. Things seemed to be going well. I completely ignored the DB rules and jumped the gun beginning to talk as if we had reconciled and making plans to move to her city.

She left for a work trip for three weeks. During this time, she sent a couple of emails postponing planned phone chats. I became increasingly worried and when she got back, she was extremely hostile at my being there and told me to leave her alone. I asked her if she was having an affair which lead to an argument. She denying any affair and saying she had had enough of me. I replying that I did not trust her and that we should divorce as there was no hope for us if I did not trust her.

I left and we haven't communicated in over a month. My hot head cooled down, I am regretting approaching her about the affair and most of all, asking for the divorce.

Advice I have received from a close friend is not to call her at all. That she will contact me if she really wants to work on things.

I regret asking her for the divorce which I don't want. I don't see how she could forgive me or even want to talk to me after this and my past WAS behavior.

I am getting worried about the biological clock. Assuming it all works out between us, I want to have kids with her but we are getting to an age where that option may be pulled out for us. I am worried that reconciling to the point where we both feel we are really okay as a couple may take a few years. At which age, having kids becomes a lot more challening. Not impossible, but a real concern.

I am torn between staying to fight for her and this strong desire to move on, start again and start a family.

I feel I should reach out to apologize for the way I left things with her. At the same, worried that this act would push her away and justify her anger and resentment for more even more.

Family & friends are beginning to ask probing questions about our situation, what is happening, when we are planning to move to the same city, etc. I think they know we are separated but not asking us outright.

She has a big celebration in a couple of weeks for her work accomplishments. Her parents are going and assume I will be there. Neither of us have told them that we are separated and as it stands, that I may not be there with her.

Should I reach out or continue to focus on my self and stay dark?

---
M: 35, W: 34
Married: 4 years, no children
Me as WAS, same house: 07/2011
She moved to another city for work: 08/2012
My apology: 12/2012
Her as WAS: 01/2013
Separation: 09/2013
Argument and my asking for divorce: 31/03/2014
No contact since: 31/03/2014

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
So post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[Anders]

Thanks Cadet. It has been five weeks with no contact. Based on your experience on the forum, should I initiate contact to take back what I said about getting a divorce or continue to wait it out?

[Anders]

I have been reading a lot of the nuggets of wisdom in the newcomers section which has been very inspiring adn h. Also listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer's talks which have given me a good sense of perspective on my fears and allowed me to calm my current level of anxiety.

Her mum is visiting her in a few days time and will know that something is up between us. She thinks we are living in the same city but it has been a month and a half since we were last together and spoke.

Very uncertain about how to respond as most of the nuggets of wisdom recommend not involving family.

[sandi2]

She has a big celebration in a couple of weeks for her work accomplishments. Her parents are going and assume I will be there. Neither of us have told them that we are separated and as it stands, that I may not be there with her.

Let her deal with it. Let her explain to her parents why you aren't there. She may choose the easy way out and lie, but you can't control what she tells them. If her mom contacts you and asks questions, be direct and honest and tell her you have not heard anything from your W since she left.

What we mean by not involving family is that you don't try to get them to run interference for you. But don't try to cover up by lying to them, either.

[Anders]

Thanks sandi2. This is very helpful. I have felt uneasy being evasive with her mom when she has sent a couple of probing questions my way.

Great advice on the other threads you have been giving which I am applying to my situation.

[sandi2]

Hope you post often. Can you give us any more information?

[Anders]

Well, no new updates at present. At the 40 day mark this past weekend, I sent a short text wishing her the best on her upcoming work celebration. No expectations of a reply on my part but simply to send her well wishes. She has not replied nor was I expecting her to.

There is an uncertain point of limbo here. With her living in another city, I could see this silence and avoidance dragging on until she finds someone else, then her initiating divorce proceedings.

I find the mornings the hardest as there is always those first few moments where I am hoping it is all just a nightmare. I find sending her positive thoughts and prayers of well wishes eases my anxiety.

Though very sad and heartbroken about this all, I'm taking the advice to lovingly detach. One of the threads talked about the difference between letting go and giving up. This was extremely eye opening. Not easy to do but it has helped tremendously.

I haven't told her that I do not want a divorce though it was me who said I wanted it during our last argument. But at the same time, I don't want to come across as needy. As time passes, it seems harder to take those words back. My sense is that any apology right now would most likely make her pull away even more.

Overall, I am not sure how to go from complete dark to gray, and taking back that comment without pushing her even further away.

[Pluto]

You'll get your chance to tell her these things... but don't try to force it.

Let her come to you. She will - but on her timelines, not yours. For most of us, that's not soon enough (myself included)...

[Anders]

I hear you Pluto. Not being patient has been one of my biggest mistakes in the last year and a half.

On reflection, if not for a couple of key moments where if I had just kept my emotional reaction in check, and not played the 'what about me and my life' card, we well may have been on the road to piecing.

I became so focused on my own timeline, that I started to out pressure on her to make up her mind.

I just read your thread. A very painful situation. You are handling it all extremely well. Hang in there.