I think I belong here #3

[praying_in_GA]

I know know and I agree with you.... Everything you said. I do feel like what happened has shifted the balance of this sitch to something more bearable. It may just be for now but at least it's somewhat easier to manage life. One step at a time.

I still love him and man do I still miss him. But I'm getting divorced. And this is going to change my world. I still play to have my husband back one day. Until then, I have to let him go.

[BklynMom]

You are doing great praying. This is so so hard. I think its harder then dealing with a death in the family.

At some point we all hope it clicks for them to see what wonderful moments with their kids they are missing out on. They will not get this time back.

I will pray for your H - he is insane.

[praying_in_GA]

People keep telling me I'm doing so good with this. People at work can't believe I am handing it so well. I don't feel like I'm doing anything well. I'm a mess on the verge of tears most of the day.

What choice do I have but to put on a brave face and keep going? I am getting a divorce. My husband no longer wants me. I have to either keep going or lose it completely... And I have three kids that are keeping that from happening.

I am sad tonight. Things were fine today. He spent the day with the kids. But I know he is leaving again tomorrow morning and I am sad.

[Matt165]

So sorry GA. I feel your pain. I know where you are as I have been there myself. Yesterday was the first big ceremony of my D'a HS graduation. She went to a private school and they have many traditions including last night where the Sr.'s "Ascend" from students into full adults. My D wore a beautiful outfit with hat and gloves and I was so proud. My W and I sacrificed so much to keep her in this school. She went through a hard period and almost didn't make it and there she was, up there and becoming an adult.

Where was my W? She was sitting 3 seats away and ignoring everything I said to her, getting short with me when I didn't read her mind about what to take a picture of or when, etc. I had dreamed about this day for so long. I should have been sitting there with the woman I worked so hard with, sacrificed so much with to get here. We should have been bonding over the thought that we, together, helped our D get to this place and loved each other all the more for it. Instead, I have this selfish woman who still is letting our youngest think she will be able to go to this school, sat there while she said "I can't wait until I get to do this" knowing that her choice to be on her own and single again at 47 means she won't be able to go there. It broke my heart!

Be careful right now about the friendship thing. You are still raw and still from what I can see from your post, buying into this somehow being your fault for not being "good enough" of a S. This just isn't true. This isn't about you! I too, can't understand the selfishness I see from a person who was so dedicated to her family for so long. It isn't going to stop because they see or understand your pain. If they did they would have to see that THEY are the cause of the pain. All they care about right now is THEM!Do you really want a friendship with someone who will always put you last on their list?

I know you are hurting and how hard this all is, believe me. But you need to try as best as you can to detach from the feelings you have for him right now. The person who you love as gone away. Maybe someday they will come back but don't let your feelings allow him to take advantage of you in the D. Take your time, make sure you get all you should.

[praying_in_GA]

"I just don't want to be married to you anymore."

It's just that simple.

When all I want to do is wrap myself around him and tell him that I love him. When the depth of my love for him would startle him. When I would give my everything to show him how amazing our life could be. When I am in love with a man who doesn't love me.

Lots of crying today. Strong days this week. Tonight is not. I am getting divorced from a man I love. I miss him... My friend, my husband, my partner. I miss him.

[willbwell]

someone told me once to think why is this happening FOR me instead of why is this happening TO me.

I know exactly how you feel. I also know that I am awesome mom to my children and even though my d is now in the works, it has not destroyed me. Yes, I too feel the sadness. I know though that I can feel the same intensity of joy.

[praying_in_GA]

someone told me once to think why is this happening FOR me instead of why is this happening TO me.

Yes, I too feel the sadness. I know though that I can feel the same intensity of joy.

Wow... I love both of those snippets. I am going to copy them to my note pad for future reference. Thank you.

[Italian]

Praying,

newbie here, so I'm sorry if I don't have any useful advice. Just - thinking of you and sending you big hugs. Stay strong!

[praying_in_GA]

Well, the kids are now taking a true backseat to his life. :-(

I have worked the last two nights. He (again) left them at my house with his parents on Wed night. He says that it was so the kids can get used to being home all night with just his mom. I agree, that is important since she will take care of them once he leaves for the Navy. However, he didn't show back up until 2:30 the next afternoon. He said he spent the day working on stuff for his job (he was just hired yesterday). However, once he got to my house he went upstairs doing exactly those thigns he said he had spent the day doing. Lies.

The kids saw him after 5pm yesterday. He did stay with them alone tonight. So, basically, when I work two nights in a row, he skips night 1 and most of the day then sees them night two and leaves as soon as I get home that morning. :-(

My heart hurts for them. They miss him so much. He says I am making it a bigger deal more than they are...they are happy with Grandma. And he is right about that, they do love their Grandma....but they love him as well. Next week I am taking the oldest to a meet in another state. He originally said he would stay with the youngest. My son said that if Daddy was watching them he wanted to stay home but if Grandma is watching them then he wants to go. H said he may have something else to do that night so he is just going to plan on his mother watching them. Why?? Your son is ASKING to stay with you and you are going to tell him no.

For 8 years now he has been such an amazing dad. He was everything I ever wanted in a father for my kids. They were his world just as much as they are mine. Now they are 3rd in his life behind his friends and his own wants.

He finally got a job but it is only prn (as needed). So he could work full time or not all one week. He also told them he couldn't start until after his trip with his Dad in June...so another month of no income from him.

I honestly don't know how I want to see this end. He is changing almost daily. He is selfish and callous and cold. He is pushing for this divorce to be complete as soon as the ink touches paper. He is willing to give me anything I want if it will get my signature.

I don't want to be married to him anymore. I don't want to hang onto this dream world any longer. He will get his divorce after I have hired an attorney to cover my side of this. He is free to go. I am done. All I wanted was for him to be a good dad and that isn't happening. This is not the man I married...the father my kids have known...the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be loved and wanted and cherished. I want my kids to be important to the father in our lives. We all deserve better than he is giving us.

His brothers have loaned him the money for the divorce. This hurts. I know family stands behind family but I am not a cheater or an abuser. There is no need to rush this stupid piece of paper and it does hurt that they are helping him out so much. Why can he borrow money for a divorce but not to help me out with groceries? He has given me $100 in the last 3 weeks. He is living with his brother for free, his other brothers are paying for his divorce and loaning him money for gas, food, etc. He is living off of everyone around him...putting off jobs so he can go on a week long vacation. Putting off his kids so he can go do what he wants to do.

Why should I want to be with this man? What does he have to offer me? History, memories, and a dna connection to my children....that is all we share now. No love, no connection, no happiness, no kindness. There is nothing here for me anymore and I deserve way more than he can offer.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Praying,

I know many of us can relate. We hate to see our children suffer and that is where it is so difficult. We don't want them to suffer, so we shield and comfort them as much as possible. Remember that your h must own that relationship with his kids.

Sorry-mini hijack coming. I know it is so difficult to believe we married this person. It's almost ludicrous to think this is the same man, right? When I see my h, I cannot believe this is the man who went to every prenatal appointment with me and slept in my room the entire time after my 3 c-sections. This same man whose top priority is spending time with his gf who is a college student 45 minutes away. But it is him. I think my point is, after a time, it is still incomprehensible. However, the shock and feeling of "is this true?" lessens after a time.

I think I've shared before that I didn't know people blew up their families this way. I'm rather worldly and have travelled a great deal, but I didn't know that people just left marriages because "they didn't want them to work" or they " just wanted to date other people.." I've seen many divorces, affairs , high conflict marriages, etc. I've seen many people work through affairs. I know affairs are generally always a part of this. I don't know. I think after BD, I was shocked but still *knew * my h would want us to work because divorce wasn't an option. That was a big deal to both of us as his parents have been together 47 years and mine were 51 until my dad 'a unexpected death last. My h says I'm never wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong in my thinking.

You will be okay. As a matter of fact, you will and can be fantastic. Your children will be okay. Mine will be doing the divorce care sessions when they start up in August. Focus on you and the kids. Just let him go. Easier said than done.

Hug your kids a few extra times this weekend. You will both appreciate it.