I think I belong here #3

[peacetoday]

Praying -hang in there

sometimes right around the corner after this part is over, will be your peace and new start

I agree with the others and you seem clear on it, to let the L do the work

They will be able to let us know what we are legally due from the M

I knew a good friend who trusted her x to draw up the papers himself
That was a huge mistake and she lost everything

MLCers can not be trusted ever!
Get a good L and yes L can drag things out..they will know what is best for you

[T-boned]

Praying, sounds like you have a lawyer?? I agree with everyone else about trying to make that 10 year mark. Sure made me wonder if my H knew of that and purposely waited since I've contributed way more to Social Security than he has.

Anyway, it's a valid thing to shoot for if you can hold him off that long. And just because he is in a hurry (does he say why??)you don't have to accommodate him . It's really an insult when they act like their lives are so inconvenienced when you're the one who's life has taken a turn you didn't want! So selfish, but that's what they are all about. It just irks me that one of the two parties in this thing can just unilaterally change the life of another human being who has had their children and was depending on that person to see it through the end with each other as stated in their vows. What the h@ll good are vows if you can so easily break them.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on a tirade. I just feel so bad for you and all of us going through this. It stinks.

Like you've heard from others, this is not about you - he's being an idiot, can't see the forest for the trees. And for that you can feel sorry for him. It's pitiful, but don't you let him push you into signing or doing anything that could jeopardize you and your kids financially.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Keep posting when you can....

(((())))

[Matt165]

I'm with you there about the vows. In my case it's my W that seems to have decided that they were just a bunch of pretty words. As for me I NEVER took ANYTHING more serious in my life and it was just compounded when we had kids together. I remember working over the years with so many men who just thought nothing of breaking their vows and never understood that. I never in a million years would have broken mine and of course never thought she would either. It's the unfairness that in most of our cases the WAS has been acting out for some time before B-day and we have not only put up with it, we have tried our best to somehow help them or "fix" the things they all seem to say we are guilty of and they don't even want to put any effort in at all!

[BklynMom]

So proud of you for being a great a mom to your kids.

Your kids are so lucky. Stay strong, this is so hard

[willbwell]

thinking of you GA. really Aug is not that far away. Look over the papers with your L when YOU have the time. You have three kids to take care of. They come first. I know the feeling of wanting to be done and move forward myself.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you everyone. I know it has been a few days. I have just been trying to live. Getting used to not having him around. Figuring out what's going to happen once the divorce is final. He said he will let me know when the lawyer is ready to make the next move.

Things have been friendly between us. We are talking just a bit more...which, if I am honest, has been good for me. I feel less abandoned. Less like I lost my entire world. Just a little give from him has made this just a little better.

Here are some musings I sent to a friend tonight...and a big even that happened to me emotionally:

I am okay with our marriage being over. I understand it an accept it. I just miss him. If we could be friends and he still be a great dad then I would be even better with this. Any possible future has to start with friends anyway. I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently. I see that we have really just been friends with benefits while raising kids together. I just want my friend back...and maybe later we will fall in love again.


Anyway,
Today he showed me a side that you all said was coming. That side that everyone says they become someone we don't know or like. This weekend I work both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also worked Wed and Thursday nights. He is supposed to watch the kids when I work. He comes to my house to watch them since he only has a room and a bathroom with his brother. They miss him so much. The youngest (2 years old) cries when she wakes up and can't find him. She is young but she knows.

Wednesday he had his parents stay the night with him at my house so he could go to school Thursday while I slept. So, my oldest tells me he was on his phone all night Wed night. Thursday he spends 6 hours at school working on a project that his group has been working on for over 2 weeks. And yes, his 'friend' is in his group. Thursday night I was flexed off work so he decided not to stay and went back to his brother's. So he spent little to no time with the kids.

Saturday morning he calls to apologize for missing the kids call Friday night. I ask what his plans were for them this weekend and he tells me he is going out with his friends to dinner. So, again, he is choosing his school friends over his kids. I ask him why he decided to do dinner on his night with the kids and he says it was last minute. He said he knows it is selfish but he is going anyway. He said he will try not to plan anything like this again.

His parents (again) come to watch them. He leaves the house at 7:30 and told me he would be home with the kids by 11. So, I call them at 11 to tell them goodnight and they say that H isn't home yet so Grandma and Grandpa are spending the night.

Why is this man shoving his kids to the side?? This breaks my heart. H ends up getting home around midnight. Tomorrow (Sunday) he says he is staying home with them but he has to study for his final on Monday morning.

So, in talking with my friend (who, by the way, has read DB and is going through something similar), I say this....

Okay, breathe. So, he went out. At least the kids were in the care of someone I know and trust. They were happy, fed, and cared for. They were not crying for him and they were fine when he returned. Perspective. As long as he gets someone I know and trust to watch them then I need to let it go. If they start crying and begging him not to go then I will have to reconsider this stance. I just need to start learning to live with my new life and the new person he is becoming. Expect less, feel less disappointed.

Timing wise, it seems as though he left the restaurant after I text him asking if he was home. I already knew he wasn't but wanted to see what he would say. He said "Grandma said they were watching Frozen and going to sleep..." Then he called me 40 min later to tell me they were going to sleep.

Anyway, I am rambling and I ma probably making no sense to you all.

[praying_in_GA]

And now I am going to post something that may be 100% wrong but it happened and it caused a turning point in my life this week. Please, I beg you to be gentle with any 2x4 or truth darts you may throw. Here is a journal entry I wrote....



Short story: He finally realized that I am lonely and sad....not angry and vindictive. He hugged me, I cried, he said he's sorry, he didn't realize what I was going through.

Things will be okay sooner than later.

Things were going south fast....again....I stopped and told him I have no one in my life that has just sat and held me while I cried. No one. Every one is so negative and angry and pushing me to get angry and hate him. I told him I have lost my best friend and I am alone in this right now.

He stopped and said "well [censored]." He came through the gate and sat down next to me. He held me while I sobbed into his chest. I cried and he held me harder. He told me he understands now. He was sorry he didn't get it but now he does and he is sorry.

We talked for a bit. We laughed. We hugged again. I told him I understand why he feels like he does. I am not trying to hold him here and force him to be with me. I am going to give him the divorce but I need some time and more softness. He said he was sorry and he appreciates my words. I told him how proud I am of him and that I still love him.

He said thank you and that he knows I am a good person and the perfect person for his kids. He said he is sorry for being so cold recently, he didn't know what I was going through.

He said he just wants to see what else is out there because he wasn't happy here....he was comfortable but not happy. He said he could stay if I wanted him to but he would just be going through the motions and that I deserved better.

You know, I get that. I always thought it would happen anyway. I hope he will be back one day. But if he's not then I hope we can have a friendship and a mutual love for one another that will carry us to the grave.

He said one day he would like to see where we go in this world. If we end up back here, he would like to try dating again.

I told him all I wanted was him to be a good father. To be here for his kids or to be involved when he wasn't 'here'. If he could just make them a priority then I would be happier.

We left off with us hugging and agreeing to keep this convo between us. We agreed to work with the lawyers to ensure everyone is taken care of in the correct ways. He agreed to be more compassionate and softer in his attitude towards me.

I told him I couldn't handle the negativity, distrust, paranoia, and borderline hate that surrounded my life anymore. I know everyone is trying to be helpful and to make me stronger but I cannot sit here in my black cloud of negativity any longer. Every person in my life has a story about a divorce gone bad. No one I know has had a positive divorce story. Everyone keeps telling me he is going to lie, cheat, leave, abandon, etc and I am scared.

It was all very comforting and very good for me. He said the same as well. We both know things will be difficult at times but we both have a positive divorce in mind. We both want to move forward with good motives and intentions. We are trying to form a 'friendship' that can work for now so that our kids and our psyche come out intact.

I finally feel a small space of peace in my life. I am still sad. I am still regretful of losing this...but I'm not angry and I'm not bitter. I understand his feelings and his reasons. I even agree with a fair portion of them.

I am still in love with him and I would still welcome another relationship with him. But not now. We both need this time to explore the world around us.

I cannot control this situation. I cannot save my marriage right now....but I can keep my best friend in my life. I am going to miss him so much but I know that this way he will always be with me in some form.

There is still pain but it's different. It's the kind of releasing pain. I think I am finally letting go of that rope.

This morning it was so bad. I was sobbing so hard my chest hurt. My face hurt my head was throbbing. Divorce papers were on my kitchen table and he was asking me what I was trying to accomplish but refusing to let this go. I hated my life so much this morning. I hated him and I hated to be *here*. My mind was dark....so dark. Images of what I could do. Hate. Anger. Pain.

It was so bad.

I just wanted him to SEE me. To SEE where I was. To SEE the woman he had spent 14 years with and what he was doing to her....and he refused.

That moment when he finally realized. When he said "Well [censored]" and walked into this living room. It was the most powerful moment of these last 2 1/2 months. He stopped seeing his enemy and saw me again and it changed.

He still has so very far to go in his journey. But I finally feel like I have taken the first step in mine.

[praying_in_GA]

^^^That all happened Thursday afternoon before he left to go home.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

No 2x4s. You did what you felt was necessary and now it's time to move forward. In regards to the kids, perhaps your h remains a good dad. Who knows? I do know that it's not your job to facilitate that relationship. I wouldn't bother reiterating that you want him to be a good dad again. I know it's horrible to see your kids suffer, but your job is not to protect your h. Please remember that actions have consequences. And your h must own all that goes with his.

I know this is easier said than done, however I encourage you not to focus on whether you and h remain friends. Honestly, all you can do is control you and be pleasant. It really is his journey to walk....and all that goes with it.

Be kind to yourself.

[job]

I don't have any 2x4s for you either. You said what you needed to say and now you continue to move forward. There's no need to continue to remind him about being a good dad. No one knows how is journey will affect everyone, but we can hope and pray that it will not be too destructive along the way. The relationship he has w/his children will be between them and you can't protect your h. Whatever happens, he will need to own his actions and understand that there will be consequences for such actions.

Georgiabelle's posting is spot on and says it all.