Scorpio, don't tell her anything until you see her response to the divorce papers, it may change what you do and also you may lose done negotiating leverage if you tell her too soon.
What happened to the temporary custody order? I wouldn't do anything until that is in place. You could sell your house, move, and still only see your kids every other weekend.
Use your head Scorp.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
So, I see you're back to the start of the learning process again.
The shock has worn off and now you are in full compliance mode. How well did compliance work when she lived with you?
If I understand correctly, your W met you when you were a musician and a self-motivated, personal goal oriented guy. THIS is who she was attracted to.
Instead, you are going to move where she is according to HER decisions which she made for ALL of you; watch your business drain away as your distance interferes with it and give up the idea of the band. This is opposite of :attractive guy".
A little biology/psychology for you for you. When you were dating, I'll guess that you came up with ideas and dates and fun and little getaways. You may have thought that this was showing your interest and how cool and fun you were. And it worked. However, you read it completely wrong. It was your confidence and your LEADERSHIP that was so attractive. Not arrogance or bossiness; LEADERSHIP.
A woman cannot and will not follow where a man doesn't lead.
This isn't sexist. This is hardwiring. It's cultural. Some say fully genetic. Doesn't mater. IT WORKS!!
Story for you. My ex dis something similar. And she was making headway. And very b*tchy about everything. You know why? Because MY inactivity and failure to lead made her become the leader. So she did. And she was acting out her frustration WITH me and being forced to make the decisions.
IT ALL CHANGED THE DAY I STARTED TO LEAD AGAIN!! We are now successful co-parents and get along better than the last 3 years of our M. I will even say that had I learned this earlier, I wouldn't be on this site. Wouldn't have needed it.
She doesn't want to drive this thing. She wants to be acknowledged and heard. She needs evidence her input is used in the decisions. But she has learned that I will CONSISTENTLY MAKE THOUGHTFUL DECISIONS regarding our D6 and I haven't heard a complaint in years. I am the leader.
On a side note, even when I am with her and her new guy (and for statistics sake, the affair guy), I AM THE LEADRER. Even HE lays back and you can see it in his posture that I am the leader. She looks at ME, not him. It's actually very interesting.
Anyway, I'll let you stew on this a while. I also agree with others above to let the process run and NOT jump the gun here. Drew is BANG ON, Scorp.
Drew- " You could sell your house, move, and still only see your kids every other weekend."
Presume that is going to happen. And work toward it NOT happening. If you give up what you have now, you're AGREEING with her decision and how it affects your kids!!
Come on, man!
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
Drew, the interim order may be necessary, I don't know for sure yet. If it is it isn't going to be a quick process. The order will go before the court and then my W has a chance to respond. I can't wait for all of that to happen before I start to have the kids with me half time.
When I say I'm moving it is only a temporary arrangement at this point. My kids will be out of school in a couple of months so they could come back to my province at that time and my W has already agreed to spilt the summer with them.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
Scorp7, I don't have a lot to offer but my kids mean the world to me as well. They are turds at times but I'll do anything for them. Mine love having our land to play on as well so good job finding a way to keep that life open for them. You should be proud of being able to do that for them.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
I can't wait for all of that to happen before I start to have the kids with me half time.
She's agreed that if you have a place close to her that you can have the kids half the time? I don't remember you writing that she said that. Up to this point, you've only had them EXACTLY AS MUCH AS SHE'S ALLOWED YOU TO.
How is that going to change? You need a plan.
Originally Posted By: Scorp7
they could come back to my province at that time and my W has already agreed to spilt the summer with them.
You have this in writing?
Yeah, I'm tough on you Scorp. I just don't want to see you get screwed.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Thanks whytry, I'll do anything for my kids and I want to give them the best life possible. It's hard to do that right now with the way things are. I think once the dust settles they will still have a very good life in the country.
Drew, you're right, my W is still trying to dictate the terms on which I see my kids. By getting over to her town immediately and forcing the issue it will either push this further into the realm of the courts (something I don't want) or my W will see that I will do whatever is necessary for the kids to be with me, something I don't think she's believed so far. Mind reading perhaps. My kids are desperate to be with me so I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen.
My W has agreed in emails saying we will spilt holiday time with the kids which would include summer. I have the letter from her lawyer saying that as well. Obviously it's not the same as a court order but it's something.
I have to try to do what I think is right for my kids and not worry so much about what my W will think or do. For the first bit I'm thinking of using our holiday trailer to keep the kids with me when I am over there. It's plenty large enough for us to stay in for a week at a time. I will have the kids with me again on May 9th so I'm thinking I will pull the trailer over there and keep them with me for the week.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
One thing that's been driving me nuts and may also be why I'm having such a hard time accepting the current situation... I am still friends with both of the women I had long term relationships with in the past. When I was in high school I lived with my high school girlfriend for about a year and a half. It didn't end well but we're friends now and chat once in a while.
The relationship I had prior to meeting my W, which lasted for about 6 years and continued off and on for more than a year after we stopped living together, I am still friends with her. When that R ended, despite the fact we weren't married and had no kids, we tried C for a couple of months.
These people are not my W, the circumstances were different etc. If I can be friends with my ex's, it blows me away that the mother of my children won't even talk to me.
We have three amazing kids, a very full life, albeit way too stressful too often towards the end. I just don't understand why she still will barely talk to me and isn't willing to even consider working on our M.
I'm just ranting a bit, getting this stuff out. The M we had is over. I wouldn't want to return to it the way things were for both of us at the end. The M we could have would be amazing, I'm sure of it.
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
If I can be friends with my ex's, it blows me away that the mother of my children won't even talk to me.
I just don't understand why she still will barely talk to me and isn't willing to even consider working on our M.
We have told you several times the WHY part. You're not accepting this at all. The reason why your W doesn't want to talk with you because she has her Berlin Wall up as self-protection mechanism. She's in pain and doesn't want to give you any 'hope' of a R. That will take a long, long time for the wall to come down.
If you've read some of my posts here and there, it took 6 months for Ms. Wonka to send me a picture of our cat after I've sent her pictures of our dog. We did not talk in person until Ms. Wonka visited our old marital time in the Spring of 2005. She left the house in August 2004. Hmmmm...doesn't that give you some idea of how high the Berlin Wall was up. Even with that brief talk, Ms. Wonka went right back behind the wall and we didn't see each other until August 2007 when our dog was dying. She flew in to stay with the dog until then. That was a total of 2 nights/2 days.
Your W does NOT want to talk with because it is TOO painful for her. Understand this yet??!!
You cannot force a friendship on W just because you are friends with your exes. It took time for you to be friends with them, right?
Dude, your W just got served and ya think she'll rush to work on the M now? I think not. This is not where her mind set is RIGHT NOW.
Wonka, I think my head gets it, my heart doesn't though. My W does have her walls WAY up, she's scared, hurt, angry and thinks the grass is greener on the side she's on now.
I need to stay the course I'm on, be patient, and give it LOTS of time. I just wish my heart would get the message because it's messing with my head
Me-40,W-37 D7, D5, S3 Separated Oct 3/2013 T 11 YRS M 7 YRS
