She left - 3

[gogofo]

The speak now or forever hold your peace ship has sailed. Love to mix metaphors.

Why did you hold on to your knowledge about the book (especially the threatening msg) knowing that an affair could be a deal breaker? Why would you bring it up now? Really think that through.

GoFo...^^^ is the crux of the whole matter. What are your thoughts?

I would bring up the book issue now because it is eating at my brain and is the elephant in the room. I think I need to know what is going on so I can work through this and the possible fallout from it.

This is also the same reason for reading the infidelity book, to work through my feelings and emotions about the EA and possible PA.

When we have got together and talked I feel relaxed and feel my love for her. I think that there would not be anything we couldn't work through, if she was committed to reconciliation.

Last time we talked she said she did not know if we could work things out, I think we can. I thought about bringing up the book during the last talk, but I didn't feel it made a difference in my desire to reconcile.

[ye21]

Last time we talked she said she did not know if we could work things out, I think we can. I thought about bringing up the book during the last talk, but I didn't feel it made a difference in my desire to reconcile.

I see here a big key, she is confussed and dont know what she wants yet....
Would you be able to control yourself and respect the fact that she is not ready to let you know whats going on yet?
Once and if she changes her mind, you could talk to her about the book or about your thoughs of her having a possibly A.
In my opinion if you talk to her now about something that you are suspecting, it will create distance on her, I dont see any disrespect from her or cake eating so far, so I dont see why would you arise the situation to a more tense one. If you continue to work on yourself I strongly believe that if she is in an A, that A will evenctually fall by its own weight...

Situation will be different if she starts cake eating or playing games....

[Wonka]

GoFo,

Decisions, decisions, decisions! Not easy at all.

How do you plan to approach W about the book's comments? Are prepared for all possibilities that may arise during the discussion?

What is plan A for if she confirms she's engaged in an A?

What is plan B if she fudges the fact that she is probably engaged in an A?

What is plan C if she acts like nothing actually happened?

What is plan D if she has some inkling about the book's comments?

And what is your boundary?

Yup, a lot to digest before actually bringing this up with W.

[labug]

hmmmmI didn't feel it made a difference in my desire to reconcile. Again, then why bring it up, except to tell your W you're concerned for her welfare. But, had that been the case, you would have brought it up immediately.

About that stuff eating at your brain, how much of is fact and how much is your fear?

[labug]

I missed the post that contained this-

I wanted to move forward with building trust and bring up the book after were possibly in a better position.

I'm having a hard time being clear with this but I don't think you can keep secrets (on either side) and simultaneously build trust.

However there are some secrets we agree within ourselves to keep, but we deep six them, never to see the light of day. It doesn't seem you're there, so again think about your motive in talking with her. What do you need to know?

[HollyAnn]

The book comments should have been addressed.

They were directed at your W by someone who was obviously very distressed by W's antics. Adultery is a very risky behavior; victims of adultery can really wig out and take vengeance.

You could bring it up in a non-threatening way by saying, "The comments in the book that arrived at our home were very disturbing. I feel like our family could be a target now and I worry for our children ."

[HollyAnn]

I found this link to be helpful:

http://www.zurinstitute.com/infidelity.html#myths

[gogofo]

Thank you everyone for all the advice and points of view. I have a lot of digesting to do before I decide a course of action.

[gogofo]

I have been thinking a little and reading and I think I have figured out why this emotion has washed over me yesterday and today.

Leading up to the talk we had on last Thursday I was excited about the possibility of hearing she would be ready to work on the R. You can see the excitement in my posts around that time. The talk was not bad and probably a small step forward.

Coming up before the talk I read a book on resorting trust, as she said previously she did not know if she could trust me. I usually get motivated when I learn new techniques that could possibly by used in the R.

I, like always, was ready to go and ready to make some progress. I did some assuming or mindreading into text messages from the W before the talk let me get excited and probably lightly set some expectations. I know that mind reading and expectations will only hurt me because the WAW sets their own pace.

I understood this, even during our talk. When she said she did not know if she thought we could be fixed, I told her I wasn't pressuring her for an answer.

Then Easter comes and I told myself that I do not need to invite her to family dinner, and I didn't. The emotions were strong that day after the egg hunt together in the morning. When I was at my parents it just seemed sad and empty without the kids or W, I got sentimental. I even left the house and went for a ride on the Vespa so I didn't have to think about them not being there. I fell asleep that night missing and wanting my family.

Sunday and Monday night were not stellar nights for sleeping for me so I have been tired the past two days. I know when I am tired things seem extreme in the situation and my mind wonders. When I was in this state and noticed the book being gone, my mind broke the little bit of work I had done about the EA.

So over excitement about the reality of her feelings about working on us, the strong emotions about Easter, and two days of fatigue have really done me in.

But all this being said, I still need to figure out my emotions and subsequent actions towards the book comments and possible EA/PA issues.

[labug]

I would agree.

Help me out. I was searching to find your writings about her ?EA/PA. Can you point to it?

Also, in reading I noticed a lot of anger about her "rewriting history" and it seems your anger has cooled now.

Her version of the events in the past are just as valid to her as yours are to you. (she doesn't seem to be mentally ill) The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but we all have our perspective.

Really think about that, you are just as sure you're right as she is that she's right. Have you gotten past that now?