afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

I apologize but I still haven't learned how to put my previous threads on here to make them available to catch up on my sitch.

[nit84]

So anyway,

I am on bit of a up and down today. My W told me on Sunday that she isn't working the job, that was paying her a small amount, anymore. She said out of the goodness of her heart she was still going in the mornings to open up.

I said ok what are your plans to pay bills? She indicated she was borrowing money to pay her share.

I said that really stinks that you have to do that but it is what it is.

So the last couple of days my work schedule has taken me past her location in the afternoons.

Somewhat surprising but not totally unexpected, she was there when she said that she would only be there in the mornings.

I let it go because maybe he still owed her some money and she was there to get it.

Next day same thing so I sensed something was up. Yesterday morning I decided to ask a question. I asked "did such and such pay you everything you are due?" She responded "yes, because actually it has been awhile since I have been being paid." I responded " Oh, I thought this just happened recently."

I then asked "if she is only there in the mornings who closes up in the afternoon? does such and such do it?". W responded "yes"

So Yesterday afternoon she was there again.

My thinking is she is telling me she is not getting paid in order to save money for L or to buy things she wants/needs before filing and to avoid paying her share of the bills.

It is her money, I get that, Just makes it frustrating to be lied to. I understand that is WAW behavior but it is no secret W is leaning towards D, so why not tell me "I'm not paying the bills because I need to save for a L."

What difference does it make at this point?

I think I am pretty detached in a lot of ways. If my W would be making money and paying her share of the bills I would probably be more detached but since she isn't this is building some resentment again.

I told Her I have forgiven myself for things I did wrong in our M and I also have forgiven her for her part of things going wrong and this was freeing and allowing me to maybe start to move on.

This issue is collaring me again a little.

I could go two different ways around her location but it would take an extra 20 mins so I can't really afford to do that. Tell me if I wrong why should I change what I am doing to avoid possibly seeing her?

Should I ask her about it or just let it go.

She asks me if I am going to fight her on the D. I said " It is your choice if you want to file but I don't think D is a solution." I wont stop you from doing something that you feel is in best interest but understand I also need to do what is in my best interest."

I feel like I am starting to get angry over this and I don't want to but how can I bring this subject and be firm not confrontational but firm without her thinking I am snooping?

I know I cant control how she takes it or feels about it but I need some suggestions on how to approach it in a calm mature way.

I can do this without raising my voice, being judgmental or coming off as controlling if I just had a some idea of how to bring it up.

[artsy]

Personally, I would allow the extra 20 minutes in my commute to avoid going by there. Why would you want a constant reminder? And it's adding to your stress; wondering what she's doing. At least do it for now, when you're more detached go back to the old route...or not!

As far as the anger and resentment: I'm not sure you can avoid it. I would guess most people go through it- it's frustrating, insulting, embarrassing, hurtful and sad that your WAS is "giving up". I am struggling with this really badly right now, too. People keep telling me it's normal, and it'll pass as time goes on and we detach more...

Hang in there!

[nit84]

Thanks Artsy,

Yes it is sad that they "give up".

The problem I am having is my W is asking for cooperation in giving her what she wants which is a D. I go back and forth about this.

Right now though I am in the mindset that I will not fight her to not file but I may drag my feet a little in granting some of her requests that she wants to speed up the process.

She hasn't filed and I don't when or if she will but the more I feel lied to the more I don't feel like cooperating as much as she would like.

I know this will turned around on me but If she cant be truthful and upfront like she says she is then why should I help out?

I really am trying to not be such a jerk because that would go against everything I have done to improve myself but I cant control how I am perceived so I just have to remain calm and rational but firm in my dealings with the W.

She has put herself in the one-down position not me so if she can put herself there she sure can get herself back out.

I cant and don't want to rescue her anymore. At one point I thought that was just what a caring, loving H did for his W but I guess I did it too much and W feels like she lost her own Identity.

That was never my intent.

[nit84]

So last night my Dad called to tell me my fishing rod and things are in his garage.

We chatted for awhile about if I was going fishing or not. I was just about to leave to go get the stuff and my W comes down and goes into the garage like she is leaving so I wait and it was taking some time so I went into the garage and she was standing there looking around.

I said what are looking for? She said my fishing rod I said oh ok.

Well last year when I was not living at home I took my fishing stuff out but left hers right where I put it a year prior because we hadn't gone in awhile.

When I did this she commented "oh so now you are going fishing?" I replied yes. She said "after all the times I begged for you to take me fishing and you said we were too busy or didn't want to go to camp because there was too many people there. Now you are going." I replied "you are more than welcome to come I don't think our Brother-in-law will mind" she said no thank you.

So back to last night, I told her it should be right behind all that stuff because I left there when I took mine.

She said "Are you going fishing." "I said thinking about it but not sure because of an unexpected funeral." I continued "Yes I am going to my Parents now to get my stuff. Are you going fishing?" she said "that why I am looking for my rod" in a frustrated tone. I said "sorry to upset you by that question." She says "its not that, It is just funny how I go fishing often and you don't but now you are going."

I was thinking the last time she went fishing I was her and it was over 2 years ago but left it go.

I said "I went 3 or 4 times last year and I am going to try to go more often this year."

She came back with "all those times I begged you to take me fishing and you said no just upsets me."

I said "we went fishing some, I guess you wanted to go more."

I felt like asking if she wants to go but just left and went to get my stuff.

Not that I care but it proves she pays attention to what I say when I am on the phone. She was upstairs and I was downstairs so she had to pay close attention because I was not talking loudly.

Should I invite her fishing? I expect she will decline but at least I offered or do I just let her go do what she says she has planned and not worry about an invitation?

[ye21]

Nop dont ask her, if she wants to go fishing she will let you know, if she doesnt she will not let you know, its important for a person to realize that they have also to ask for what they need.

[nit84]

Thanks Ye,

Different status now. I come home and check the bank accounts like I normally do on a Friday.

There was a 2500.00 check written as a retainer to a L. Now just last Sunday I explained to her that money in that joint account while legally joint. She knows morally that I put it all in there.

Now she had no problem with the money I put in there since the S but was a little taken back when I told her that the money that should be split was such an amount she said we will have to go over that. I said fine.

Now that she has written such a large check she has taken an extra 1600.00 that is not morally hers.


Surprisingly, I am not as upset as I thought I would be.

First question, Since it is only a retainer that does not mean she definitely filed correct? You can just put L on retainer in case he is needed right?

Second question, She will know that I have seen this check so do I just go about my business and not say anything?

Do I acknowledge the fact that she retained a L and act calm about it saying I understand that is something you felt you needed to do. I don't think D is a solution but I respect your position.

If I acknowledge the L do I question why she felt it was ok to use that money for that without at least discussing it with me first?


Do I question whether W will continue to contribute to the bills?

Do I call her out on the fact that even though she said she wasn't getting paid anymore from that job which was under the table to begin with That she has been there everyday since she told me that she wasn't working?

I realize Im dealing with a WAW but just need to know how to proceed.

Do I tell her that now I guess it is full business mode and I apologize in advance if how I am advised to proceed turns out to be a very tough and hurtful road?

When I retain a L and tell her in depth what my situation is it might get really ugly but I need to protect myself correct?

Now more than ever looking for advice and moral support from Everybody!!

Thanks in advance!!

BTW, I still am very much in love with my W no matter what.

[nit84]

My W told me yesterday that her feelings were hurt.


She says:Just to let you know your Nephew called after you left last night and I could not hear him so I told him I would call him back on my cell. When I did, he let it go to voicemail. He then text me and said sorry I was looking for my Uncle and I got him thanks. this really hurt my feelings.

I said: That is not like him. I will talk to him. I can see why you would be upset. Did you Text him last week?

She said: yes

I said did he respond back?

She said: yes

I said: well he was in a lot a pain I am sure he meant nothing by it.

She said: well it hurt my feelings. I guess it goes to show what this all is.

She then she left and when I went to the computer we both use (she has a lap top she uses exclusively), In the search area there were searches about loneliness and loneliness quotes.

I understand that she could be lonely and I also think the exchange with my Nephew may have gotten to her. These aren't my problems, so why do I feel bad about it?

[nit84]

Having a bad day today,

I went to the bank yesterday to see if I qualify to buy out my W if she files for D. I do so no problem there but now that I know I do, do I tell her what I am willing to pay and see how she reacts? Or do I just keep it under my hat? If I bring it to her it will look like I am ok with D which I am not.

I know that she has it in her mind that if we sell the house or if I buy her out that all her debt will disappear which is true but I don't want to overpay for the house considering I know what work needs to be done.

W sees this as a way to make a clean break and start over which is certainly her right to do.

I just don't want to give her any extra money if I don't have to. She is already entitled to half of my 401k and that upsets me but I know its most likely going to go down that way.

Its horrible to think but had I know this mess was coming I wouldn't have tried to save as much for retirement and went out and had maybe a better vacation or nicer car for the both of us. The only reason I put so much away was because I thought the W and I would be spending our golden years together having a great time.

Now she gets to take half of something that she might never have had any intention on being around to watch it grow to a nice amount.

I waffle between taking the high road and being a spiteful jerk.

I know I will fall somewhere in between and from my side it will look like I am protecting myself and from W side it will look as if my only goal is to make her life as miserable as possible for as long as possible.

So if I go along with her wishes and let it all go and we D. Then somewhere down the road W realizes that I have truly changed and bettered myself or that it wasn't that bad that with some hard work the M could have been renewed and she maybe opens up her heart to me again. I possibly would take her back and then that just means I would lose all credibility because I would be doing something that could have taken place without getting a D. The old saying "once we are done we are done." comes to mind.

If I am still in love with her that is fine if I take her back but
if I don't take her back, but still I am in love with her, and I haven't found someone else then again, I will look like a bad person.

I know that I am not a bad person and the people who care the most about me know it also but to have my character questioned not only once but possibly twice would bring back bad memories.

I just hate to see someone who I cared for and love very deeply fall on hard times.

TBH, I hope W doesn't but if she comes sniffing back around because she thinks she made an error how can I take her back without having all that doubt in the back of my head?

This is about the hardest it has been to fight the feeling that I need to ask her to try again.

[nit84]

Well it has been about 2 weeks since W retained a L. She hasn't said anything about it and I have been avoiding getting the mail because I saw an invoice in the mailbox from the L and I don't want her to know I know about the L. Or should I have a talk with her seeing as I feel she used money that she doesn't have to retain the L?

I could talk with her without any problem at all I just think W should be the one to bring it up. After all W is doing things she feels she needs to do and that is her right but it is a switch from where she wanted to work things out first if possible before getting L involved because of the cost.

If I brought up the subject I feel it would look like I am nervous or scared to her which I believe W would revel in.

I can hold up a strong front no doubt in my mind I just wonder if she is avoiding me so I don't have a chance to bring it up to her if I desired to.