Hello, we are suppose to attend a session with a new counselor next week. We tried one but even my wife thought she was going to be too biased against me. I have just read Sandi's 37 rules and have made many, many mistakes but starting to day am going to live by them. I think they are great advice wish I had seen them a few weeks ago. In the meantime, any general advice for the first session. To give you an idea where my wife is she has pretty much said she it out the door and "maybe" could change her mind. Lots of anger and blame for me. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi rednet. Sorry you find yourself here, but you'll find it's a great place to get support and advice.
First, have you read DB or DR? You really need to read at least one of them to understand the advice that's given to you on this site. Most of the users on this site will advise you against MC. Once a WAS is "done" it usually just makes the situation worse. I can tell you that my H and I went through this 7 years ago and it was MC that finally drove him to the point of wanting a separation, so I didn't push the issue this time around.
Can you share more details of your situation? How long have you been married? Ages? Kids? That sort of information will help others give you advice on your particular situation.
Most of the users on this site will advise you against MC. Once a WAS is "done" it usually just makes the situation worse. I can tell you that my H and I went through this 7 years ago and it was MC that finally drove him to the point of wanting a separation, so I didn't push the issue this time around.
^^^THIS^^^ I'm convinced marriage counseling is what pushed my XW into separating. I don't blame the counselor, XW was looking for a reason and the C gave it to her. That was all she needed to get the ball rolling.
Oh, that makes my heart sink. The first counselor was a bit strange, but afterward my wife did say she felt more optimistic about our marriage. Guess I better check out the DR/DB and quick.
The situation is generally she is blaming me for the trouble she has had in her life over the course of our marriage, her struggle with mental illness, what she perceives as a poor relationship with our kids. Its quite a laundry list at this point. I have more or less accepted the marriage is over but of course I still cling to some hope. I feel the right counselor could help but I do know it hasn't helped others. The reality is as I see it, she is ok with MC because she is either looking for validation that she is right and isn't responsible for the failure so then she can walk away guilt free and perhaps a more compliant me or perhaps she really is a "maybe". I am in counseling myself with someone I really like, he has helped me see things differently when I have been so down. I can't help but think a decent MC will help balance the conversation, especially now that I realize many of our problems are equally hers and I am not afraid anymore of saying it for fear of loss. Its just taken me weeks to clear my head and push through the hurt I have been dealt. Perhaps the MC will help, perhaps not, but I won't let her walk away without taking some responsibility. It almost [censored] that in my heart I am so available for her still, it has been giving me anxiety which is difficult to cope with. We have the appointment next week and as far as I know we are going. My counselor said he has heard really good things about the MC and I trust him on this. She has asked for some time do it and subscribes to therapy and counseling as a mean of resolving issues. I am feeling like pulling back now might be bad but I guess I could push out another week. For now, sticking to the rules, minimum contact. In any case I will let you all know what happens. Thanks for being there.
Me:45 H:40 D:12 S:10 Together 16 years Married 13 years
Just order DB next day, can't wait to get started, maybe we will not do the MC, maybe we will. I could just push it off another week or two, kinda sneaky but darn I feel like I am in a pickle now.
Big reality check after my personal counseling session the other day. I now see that I have supported her unconditionally through so much and now that she is better and on her own two feet she is ready to throw me under the bus. The blame she has for me is her own. Darn,...
I have angry issues, which I have been better in the last few years, and I is one of the issues I am seeing the counselor for. But over the years she has asked me to do something about it and I did not. I also believe that I have suffered from mild but very real depression. Guess the medication I have been subscribed for anxiety will help that is well, curious how it will effect me in a week or two since I just started today.
Over the years we have "lost" touch, rarely going out or spending time together. Little or no affection on either part. My concern was money (aka debt and creating more) which is why I basically never did anything like that. I think we have been talking past one another for a long time. For me, a lot has to do with being fiscally responsible, an issue we are far apart on. Like her with my anger I have told her many times over the years money issues are the only thing that kept me up at night.
I got DB today and have been reading it voraciously. I am very happy to report the MC we are too see this coming week is a practitioner of SBT :-), that is reassuring. I know her current therapist who have helped her tremendously from a medication stand point is also very Freudian. Hopefully it will go well and we will see her many times.
Funny thing is I have more or less cut/seriously minimized contact with her and in the last couple of days she has called me, grant it I think her real interest has been in my doctors visit and medication, but still. DB so far is great, makes me really think about my kids more than anything, but when I look at our marriage problems its so much like the stories in the book. Gonna get back to reading now.
