Take these broken wings and learn to fly...

[chasingpavements]

Ok, so something is really bothering me right now. We do not have our separation agreement in place yet, I would like to get it in place soon, because I feel so uneasy not knowing how everything is going to work. Mainly I am worried because I am living in the matrimonial home right now, whereas he moved out to a town rental, and his rent is considerably lower than the mortgage payment of the matrimonial home.

So I am just wondering, how do we split our finances now, before our separation agreement is in place? That is my main concern. Right now our paychecks both go into our joint account, and we leave enough money for the matrimonial home mortgage, as well as the bills for this home, and then we split the remainder equally, for our spending money for groceries and gas, etc.

My guess is that H is having to dip into a personal loan in order for him to pay for his own house rental right now.

He is now asking me how we should start splitting finances. I have NO idea, and quite frankly it is worrying me!


I imagine he will have to start paying me child support payments, if not also spousal support payments. But how do I figure out how much he should be paying me? I have a general amount based on the the support tables from my lawyer, but I can't really say for sure, since it is more of a range, and I don't know yet whether I will be getting the low or high range of the amounts.

I know that the mortgage of the matrimonial home where I am staying is about $600 more per month than his house rental, and his house rental charge INCLUDES utilities. It doesn't really seem fair to me that I am stuck at the house, with a higher cost of living than him, because he wants to move out of the house and his new house is much cheaper. I don't know what to do!

I also feel so lost because I don't know who to turn to, or talk to or get advice from for this matter.

Is this something that H and I need to figure out amongst ourselves right now, as we do not have the separation agreement in place yet to determine the support amounts I will be receiving? I feel so uneasy, that I will not be able to afford anything moving forward. I at least want to be able to pay the bills until we sell the house, if that's what we end up doing.

Is he responsible for paying any of the mortgage since his name is still on the title?

I am so overwhelmed, I feel just sick, and I don't know where to even start.

How have others on here managed splitting finances with their spouse before they had any official agreement/documents in place??

[mleigh4]

I too have a ton of anxiety issues. I was having bad pain in my stomach for quite a while. I, too, was worried about side effects of an AD, but I have been on one for a few weeks now and it really seems to help. It is mainly to help me sleep. I fall asleep fine, but then wake up around 3 and that's it! The brain starts going crazy!

As far as the finances, I would think he should pay half the mortgage. If he is on the loan, he is responsible for that. If he did that, along with child support, could you afford the rest of the home expenses?

In my sitch, I moved out for temporary separation (dumb move). My H makes much more than me, so he gives me money each month since I have S more.

[praying_in_GA]

CP, I too am a 2nd time arounder with young kids. I feel your pain. I also understand all too well how it feels to be more at ease when H isn't home. Mine is still living with us as this 2nd time has only gone on for a month so far. I hope you can get things figured out and settled for your own peace of mind. I too have been wondering about AD but I am scared to pull the trigger.

Best of luck.

[golf mom]

For what it's worth, the biggest mistake that I made was not getting a support order in place as soon as xh left. I, too, was paying the mortgage and all the marital bills. I was a SAHM and was dependent on what xh gave me. I had barely enough to stay afloat while xh was on to a new life with OW and spending frivolously. Even if you choose mediation you can still retain an attorney to file for separation and request a support order. Just something to think about.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks everyone

A positive update! Since posting last, I feel so much better.

Kml.. I have taken a lot of your advice to heart and put it into action! I have been exercising a lot lately, and getting out a lot more, to do fun things and just living life! I have been dancing around the house almost non-stop! I feel a lot better, overall. And I am feeling so much happier!

I also took your financial advice, and have done a lot of financial legwork over the past few weeks. Next week I would like to sit down with H one evening and figure out how to split finances. And I now have a very good idea of what my new living expenses will be. I have come up with a reasonable budget. I feel a lot better having figured all of that out!

I am actually enjoying having him out of the house.. is that a bad thing? I have been loving having some alone time, and also loving the fact that I no longer have to worry about H, and whether he wants to work on the relationship anymore. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted!! I feel like moving forward with life.

I have done a LOT of thinking lately, about my relationship that I had with H. A lot of introspection into where things went wrong, but mostly realizing that there were a lot of key components in our marriage that were missing. That I never really noticed were missing until we separated, and I have started to really think about it.

Just realizing that there are a lot of personal needs that were not met, that could have easily been met by him, but he didn't care to take the time. Such as, he never really cared to take interest in my activities, and what sort of things I am really passionate about. He often never bothered to even ask about my day, and he wasn't that supportive in general.

I feel better, much better, about letting go of the relationship. I feel at peace with it. I do not want to go back. I don't like the feeling of emptiness I had, for years feeling like I am not good enough, and the feeling of taken for granted.

Thanks again DB friends for all of your support. Love this group here!

-CP
(Cupcake Princess) ...lol.

[DFE]

CP

You know this is my FOURTH time going through this and I can say with 99.9999% certainty it's my last. I fought AD last time until it had reached a pretty dark point. Yesterday I decided to start them again and maybe it's my imagination. But the same thing happened last time. The fog has been lifted. I don't like drugs but I couldn't function any longer. I would send the kids to school then crawl in bed and sleep.

Your sitch is very similar to mine as you know. I have walked around on eggshells with him for too long. I know once we both cross this part of the bridge the other side will look so good we won't ever look back. There are good men out there that will know our worth. For now we need to get rid of the extra weight that is bringing us down.

[MileHigh]

I haven't been on here in ages. Look how far you've come!

Keep dancing, Claiming Peace!

[chasingpavements]

Just a quick sitch update, and some journalling,

Overall, things have improved a lot! When I do see H, it is cordial, and there have been no major disagreements about anything. I think right now the hardest part is figuring out how to negotiate all of little things to do with the separation. I just wish that part was all taken care of!

I just know that if I can push through it right now, and get it all figured out, then things will be a lot better. I'm not looking forward to dealing with him, with regards to splitting finances. He tends to give me a hard time about money issues. But I am going to be strong and hold my own. I think in the end both of us are going to be a little tight money-wise. Not really much we can do about that.

So one day at a time I am figuring things out! Funny thing is that he is the one that wanted to separate, and it seems to be me doing most of the work to do with the separation. Doesn't matter to me one way or another, my main goal is just to get it done and over with!!

Feeling a lot happier now, getting out, having some fun, jogging, walking, taking photos, painting, sketching, dancing, you name it! And I am actually enjoying my days that I am alone! Finding freedom..

Although it has been hard being away from the kids half of the time, when I am used to being there 100% of the time! I am just making sure that the time I do spend them is quality time! The kids seem to be doing okay so far with the separation. So far, no major questions or issues.

The hardest part for me in the separation was having to drop the children off at his house... and I have only done that twice, but it was the strangest thing I have ever had to do. Getting easier now though.

One thing that I did not expect through all of this, has been the insight into our whole relationship that I experienced after we separated. Seeing everything from the birds-eye-view, in a way that I have not been able to do before. Realizing that the relationship was not meant to be.

Onward I go on my new journey

Up at at em'!

<3

Claiming Peace,
Classy Penguin,
Chili Pepper,
~CP...

But, not Chasing Pavements.

[BklynMom]

Sounds like you are doing great even though its not ideal.

Its so hard to drop the kids off. So hard. And then when you get home and the house is crazy quiet.

I found making single mom friends in my neighborhood helps so much. We exchange emergency babysitting and pick ups. Also they were the only ones that "got" me for so long. I am slowly hanging out again with married moms.

I met my single mom friends through Alanon but I know their are church groups and divorce care groups where you can meet other moms. It has really helped me take the focus off him

[chasingpavements]

Found out a couple of days ago that ex is now seeing the woman (his co-worker Bethany) that I had suspected all along that he was having an EA with. He told me over the phone that he was going to introduce the kids to her, and they would start doing stuff together, with her and her kids. It's not a huge shock. What he originally told me was that he had just fallen out of love with me, but there was no one else. I never totally bought that.

So now I am left with a lot of questions, about timing while we were working on things, and what the true and real story actually is. But, does any of that really matter, even? Is it totally irrelevant? Do I just move forward without a second thought? I mean, it doesn't really matter now? Is it going to hurt more to know the truth? Or am I forever going to be wondering what the heck happened. For closure's sake do I need to know?