This is not easy for me, but finally I have mustered enough courage to admit in a public forum that I found myself embroiled in the throes of a passionate affair, after years of enduring emotional abuse at the hands of my H who demeaned me by unabashedly using pornography, with no empathy or care about how it made me feel. I felt rejected, hurt and disrespected at the hands of the man who was suppose to make me feel loved, cherished, and desired. For years this went on and I just subsisted in a degrading relationship. Then one day, I met "another man" who turned my life around. He made me feel loved, desired and cherished. I was unable to ignore his advances and gave-in (without regrets) into an unforgettable experience of love and lust. I just want to vent this because I am trying to find answers as to "why I felt no guilt" when I had the affair ? I confessed my affair to my husband and he doesn't give a rat's ass. I think my H felt a sense of relief that I will leave him alone to pursue his porn addiction.
I guess the question now is: do you want to save the marriage you are in? If you do (or if you need clarity on how to go forward with or without your husband), a DB coach is a fantastic resource. Remember what you feel right now can change. You didn't mention children, but their needs are critical now as well. Take care and please get professional guidance on how to go forward in a healthy and happy way.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Do you consider your husband's use of porn as "emotional abuse" by itself, or were there other things he was doing to abuse you?
It might help to understand your position on this, as not everyone here is going to consider the use of porn, in and of itself, as being "emotional abuse."
I would agree with Karen however, that the most important thing is, DO you want to try and save your marriage? To be bruttaly honest, it's going to be tough to "affair-proof" and fully repair your marriage if neither one of you seem to be repentant about your actions that led to this point.
Is the affair over? If so why? Also, if you have no regrets and no relationship with your H, why are you still married?
If you are simply asking "Why I felt no guilt", I think the answer is fairly simple. You have completely emotionally detached from your husband and do not consider yourself truly married. You have the right to be treated with respect and feel wanted. you deserve to be happy. These are all powerful reasons to justify an affair.
You wouldn't be the first person to go down this road.
I am utterly confused and am trying to understand if my marriage has been dead all along given the apathy of my H. The fact that he was unmoved and disinterested when I told him about my affaire, gives credence to my suspicion that our marriage is just a legal contract, and there is nothing else to it. How would you perceive this?
My husband is a self-absorbed person who is clearly devoid of empathy. He has difficulty making emotional bonds, not just with me, but also with his own family. His relationships exist at very superfluous levels. All his conversations are focused on non-personal matters, such as investment, finance, real estate etc.
Let me illustrate this with an example: I confronted him regards his porn addiction and told him how deeply it hurts me. Instead of offering a gentle apology (even a fake apology would have helped), he turned around and told me that I am stupid as I don't understand his evolutionary need to "F**K" and spread his seed amongst as many beautiful women as he possibly can. He said that he has no control over this urge and its a natural behavior for me. Needless to say, I felt completely humiliated. I look at this incident as emotional abuse, because that's how it made me feel. Any action or word which hurts one's spouse in a very personal way, is abuse. Period.
His porn addiction caused erectile dysfunction. On the rare occasion when he tried being intimate with me, he was unable to get an erection. I felt sad and undesired. This has been a constant in our marriage.
Yes, the affair is over. My lover wanted commitment, and I wasn't prepared.
Why am I in this marriage despite the miserable state I am in? The answer is simple: I don't have the courage to walk away. I fear the unknown. So I chose to stick around in a bad situation, rather than take the plunge. I blame myself for this. Yet, I feel a compelling need to be happy. This is my dilemma. Is there a solution?
Regardless of what direction you take, you don't want to stay where you are at. You are miserable. You need to find the courage to make some changes.
Keep in mind, the 2 options that you describe (1. end the marriage and commit to your affair partner, 2. accept your situation and stay miserable) are nowhere near the only options that you have. There are many things you can do between these extremes.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you want to be? how do you get there?
FYI - There is so much wrong with your husbands thinking. It is also wrong to turn outside the marriage to fix problems within it. Again, something needs to change.
Let me illustrate this with an example: I confronted him regards his porn addiction and told him how deeply it hurts me. Instead of offering a gentle apology (even a fake apology would have helped), he turned around and told me that I am stupid as I don't understand his evolutionary need to "F**K" and spread his seed amongst as many beautiful women as he possibly can. He said that he has no control over this urge and its a natural behavior for me. Needless to say, I felt completely humiliated. I look at this incident as emotional abuse, because that's how it made me feel. Any action or word which hurts one's spouse in a very personal way, is abuse. Period.
I agree with you. That's horrific what he said to you. YOU shouldn't feel humiliated; HE should! Although I don't justify how you've dealt with this, in THAT exchange I would have told him "Well, good luck with that. I don't deserve this kind of disrespect."
You both seem to have reached a point where you're toxic to each other. This is a pro-marriage forum, so I won't go any further.
To be honest... If he isn't showing any sign of wanting to make things work, to change especially after an A I would lean that you need to focus on you and your kids if you have any.
Find a therapist if you’re not seeing one. All you can do is take care of you and from what you said you need that badly.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
