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trc2009 Offline OP
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The walking on eggshells seems to be getting less and less with every day that passes. We're at least getting back to a point where we can actually have small, meaningless conversations with each other. It's amazing how those are so important though. If not, it's just crickets chirping and that just makes things uncomfortable for both of us.

But, to be the devil's advocate, there seemed to be less eggshells a few weeks ago BEFORE we started living under the same roof. And then we moved back under the same roof a week and a half ago and things went back to eggshells.

So things are still very fragile for sure. There is still an unspoken "no touching" rule. Given some of her concerns, she'll have to be the one to initiate that. Still in separate beds and probably will be for a while. Again, something she'll have to initiate. She doesn't want to sleep in the bedroom and hasn't in months.

So basically, we're roommates. The idea of that would have sickened me a year ago. Now, I understand the importance of simply just living together. Obviously it can't stay this way forever if we want to have a functional marriage but it's better than us living apart. Especially since we do get along while living under the same roof. It would probably be a bad thing if we were down each others throats.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 148
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trc2009 Offline OP
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Just wanted to give a quick update.

We're still technically separated. The eggshells have become much less and the conversations don't seem to be as much forced as they used to be.

W is still very guarded in terms of the physical stuff. There is no touching. After talking about it a couple weeks ago, her reasoning is that she doesn't want to give me the idea that she wants sex therefore she's not comfortable with any type of physical contact. That may be true or it may be her blowing smoke up my rear end but what's a person to do in that situation? It's not like it's an issue you can force. Is that normal for a couple after ending a pretty contentious separation?

Still sleeping in separate beds which is not a huge deal to me. I sleep better alone anyway and I have been sleeping much better since we started staying under the same roof. Still, it would be nice to get back there at some point.

The physical part is really the only thing we're lacking in terms of a functional marriage. We are able to have serious conversations about the kids, finances, and general day-to-day marriage stuff without any type of confrontation or heated discussion. I'd imagine that's huge.

She's actively looking for a job still and just had an interview last week. It does look promising and hopefully she gets it. Not a huge paying job but a solid, entry-level position that could lead to more opportunity down the road. I so much want to trust her with this because her going back to work is something she needs to do. But I'm seriously worried that she's just buying time until she's financially able to be on her own. I wouldn't put that past her at all and that would be very consistent with what a W.A.S. would do.

We'll see. I've done a very good job since we've been under the same roof of giving her the benefit of a doubt. We've been under the same roof for three weeks now. The first week was incredibly weird. The second week was better but we still had some dirty laundry that ended up being aired. And we've genuinely been moving forward a little bit the last week and a half.

The physical stuff is truly bothersome to me. I'm not even talking about sex. There is simply no affection at all. It's like living with a roommate.

Any advice in working past that would be appreciated. Patience goes without saying, but I'd like to hear from those of you who had to work on building the physical part of your marriage back up after a bitter few months.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 148
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trc2009 Offline OP
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In terms of MY changes.

I've still been actively going to my IC. It's been very beneficial for me and has really helped me. I've come to realize that I'm a much more anxious person that I thought I was and this episode w/ my w has really ramped the anxiety up a bit (naturally). Using tools to deal with that has certainly helped me and I think my M as well. It's still an ongoing process for sure. I'm only going once a month now instead of every week. At some point I'll probably not have to go anymore unless I feel the need. I have a very firm grasp of where my temper comes from and the difference between being angry an controlling anger.

I've certainly been GAL. I still workout 3-4 times per week. I'm 6'2" and two years ago I ballooned to 270 lbs. I started dropping weight after my daughter was born and got down to 240 prior to my W dropping the bomb on me 4 months ago. I'm now down to 210 lbs and I'm starting to have some solid muscle tone. My goal weight is 190 lbs. I'm most definitely more appealing on the eyes than I was. That is a great confidence builder. W doesn't acknowledge it at all but who cares? I've come to realize if D does happen, that there are most certainly more fish in the sea.

Spring rolling around has helped as well. I've thrown myself into working outside around the house. That gives me something to do 2-3 nights/week when I'm not working out.

I'm more comfortable with the idea of D than I was. Right now it's just a balancing act. I have to GAL. I have to be there for my W without being too "there." I have to let things my wife says roll off my back, but I can't be a doormat. I have to be supportive and 100% committed to someone who doesn't want any type of physical contact. Nobody said it would be easy....that's for sure.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 148
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trc2009 Offline OP
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The "ring" question.

So, W hasn't really worn her ring around me in a couple of months. She claims that since she's lost weight (we both have) that it keeps sliding off her finger.

She's stashed it away and simply does not wear it. I've worn mine the whole time. I take it off occassionally if I'm working outside or something because mine isn't too snug either since I lost my weight. But I generally wear it most of the time.

Part of me feels like an idiot wearing it. Why should I wear my ring if she has no desire to wear hers?


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 35
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Let's start with the ring question. It is up to you whether or not to wear it. I used to think of it as a sign that I was still committed to the marriage. I took mine off months ago to get used to the idea that my divorce might go through. I was surprised how attached I was to it. At the end of the day, it is just a ring. I can still be committed to my marriage even if I don't wear it.

Your W is making up a lame excuse probably to avoid a confrontation around her commitment to the marriage. She could get it resized (but may not be worth the expense if she ends up divorced).

You don't give up because she gives up. You don't take the ring off because she takes it off. You do these things because you are ready to. Don't be ashamed or feel like an idiot to be honest and true to your vows. It's like feeling bad because you are not a murderer.

Also, I think you are feeling the pain of missing "the physical stuff" because of codependency. You are addicted to W like most of us. It is not a good way to live. Eventually, I hope you find a way to be happy without needing someone else to make you happy. I think you should research codependency and determine if it fits your situation.

As a disclaimer, there are a lot of opinions here. I could be totally wrong, but I'm sure others will correct me. We are all trying to get through the hard times together. Keep up the good work.

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trc2009 Offline OP
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That's a wonderful way to look at it kingdl.

The codependency is something that has come up in my IC sessions. My W was a codependent for the first 5 years we were together. She placed lower priority on her needs in order to satisfy me and my kids needs. She would say all the time, "I'll be fine as long as you and the kids are happy." And I think she truly convinced herself that was the case for a long, long time.

It was when she dropped the bomb on me when I could tell she was starting to put herself first. Not to say that's a bad thing, but she completely doesn't even consider my needs anymore. Obviously in a healthy marriage, there is a delicate balance of making sure you are taking care of your own needs without abandoning the needs of your partner. I can say with little doubt now that she is no longer dependent on me other than financially. Time will tell whether or not that is a good thing.

I don't think I would be defined as a classic co-dependent. I still like to do things away from my wife and kids. I would love to spend more time with some of my friends but generally, time and money make that a bit of a problem. That's something that is changing as we speak. I'm making it a point to spend more time with friends. A. Because I want to, and B. Because I need to have a life outside of my family.

BUT, it's damaging to a marriage to have no physical contact. We both know that. We both know that we can't live like this forever. To quote my wife, "I want to "want" to have sex with you." Obviously that isn't altogether a bad thing. She has made changes in her life. A lot of them I would say are changes for the better if we are to have a long, healthy marriage. To her, having sex risks putting her back in the place where she was. The co-dependent wife who put her husbands needs in front of her own. Obviously, as a concerned and caring husband, I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. But affection is a very large part of a healthy marriage. Not puppy love or countless romps in the bedroom. But general love and affection.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
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awesome, congrats, well done. You seem to be a poster-boy for how to DB effectively. You are motivation for me. Please keep us posted.

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trc2009 Offline OP
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Time will tell Puffy. My hardest thing through all of this is the constant worry of what my W is doing and/or thinking. She was so cryptic before and during our separation. The whole "an alien took my wife" type of thing.

There has been tons of water under the bridge. And that's not something either of us can get over quickly. Both of us said and did things that we would never think the other would say/do. Fortunately, there hasn't been a PA on either of our parts. As I mentioned it's possible that my W has been having an EA but the reality is that it will likely never turn into a PA while we are married. If we get divorced, it's obviously something that can never be ruled out so I can't really think about that. At that point I'll move on and I assume she'll move on at some point as well.

It all comes down to trust. Do I trust my W enough to believe that she legitimately is trying to save our marriage? Or is she just eating her cake until she is financially able to be on her own? One thing I've learned about my W through all of this is that she is a pro at acting like she's happy and content while holding back what she is really thinking. She seems good right now. Happy that we're under the same roof and working on having a functional marriage again. But I also wouldn't be surprised to see her do an about-face in a month or two and claim that she doesn't think things are going to work.

Until the "affection" part of our marriage returns, I'm approaching everything with quite a bit of cynicism. I still try to believe none of what she says and half of what I see. And that's really hard because I want to trust her.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 148
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trc2009 Offline OP
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Long time no post. Update.

We're officially piecing. A few weeks ago W acknowledged that simply living under the same roof does not make a functional marriage. More or less saying that she didn't want the "roommate marriage." Which I told her before the separation ended that I will never be in a marriage where both parties are essentially roommates. So we're on the same page there and that was a huge step.

Affection has slowly come back. We're actually able to bump into each other without being uncomfortable, I can get close to her without her recoiling, etc. Still sleeping in separate beds and no sex. Those two things aren't big deals to me. We sleep better in different rooms. I've actually slept better in the last month than I have in years. So I guess that's a silver lining.

W is starting a new job which is a good thing for her and should be a very good thing for us financially. The only downside I can see is it being quite an adjustment for the kids since she's essentially been him with them full-time for the last four years. I'm sure we'll settle into a routine though and a couple months from now they'll be adjusted.

IC is over...for now. I'm sure I'll go back from time-to-time. It was very beneficial for me. I went 6 times. The first 2 or 3 were crazy eye-opening. I have a much deeper understand of how I deal with stressful issues and what I need to do to deal with them to avoid them boiling over. We talked about DBing! IC indicated that she thought I handled things pretty well with W during our separation.

We have been getting along great. What's been healthy is that we've had a few disagreements where we'd be on the verge of a fight but we both worked through it to a solution. 3-4 months ago, that wouldn't have happened. So that's an incredibly positive step.

We still aren't out of the woods. But to quote my wife, "we're in about as good of a place as we can be given where we were a few months ago." It's certain been and certain will continue to be a process.


Me: 33
W: 27
S: 5
D: 2
Bomb: 1/2/14
First Separation: 1/25/14
MC: 2/7/14 (one time only)
Moved Back in: 3/31/14
W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14
Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 358
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That's great news trc. I'm happy for you! Keep it going!


M: 41 W: 41
Married 4 yrs.
T: 5 yrs.
Son 19, 16, 15, 13 yrs. (w/ Autism), 10, 9

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