Need help saving my family - part 6

[Drew]

Look Scorp, we've all been where you are or similar. And we're all just trying to let you know what we've learned from it that isn't always easy to see while you're in the thick of it. So ...

I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things.

Pure script. Read some other threads. It's very common for WAS's to rewrite history to justify their actions. As my friend Eric likes to say: Own your chit but don't let her put everything on you. Usually both parties have some fault.

Again, as I've said before, she was either afraid to tell me or I think the main issue was she didn't want to disappoint me by not going along with what she thought I wanted.

Mindreading. You don't know that. Stop.

Now that I've heard all of these things from my W it's like I have a mental block on anything that might seem like I'm doing something for myself that would go against my W.

What you should be mindreading is that maybe she knows this. And is using it against you.

[AKHope]

Hi Scorp-

My earlier post finally appeared but it's back on pg 8 now.

I posted back on page 4 but it hasn't made it to the thread yet. I'll reiterate a bit and comment on NOW.

Barry and Eric have done most of it already. So I'm supporting what they are already saying about YOUR ACTION regarding this wknd.

I have a favorite quote (source unknown) that works very well here.

"Getting what you want out of life is easy. Deciding what exactly you want and committing to that end is the hard part"

YOU must absolutely know exactly what it is you want your life as a co-parent to look like. Exactly what kind of a co-parenting relationship with W you want to have. So until you know what this looks like so clearly you can feel it like it's real, you won't get it.

It's about motivation. And people are motivated by only two things- what they want and what they don't. Call it "running toward" or "running from".

If you know what it is as an end point, you can run toward it. And it's a straight line, right? e.g. Mac and back

If you are running from, ANY direction of 360 degrees works. But you won't be where you want to be. It's just "not there"

You are in a situation that you don't want. I have the shirt from that, too. The natural tendency is to get away from it. But until you have your sights set on a new destination, your efforts are tentative, panicked and may prevent you getting where you want to go.

Start with what you know in your heart is best for you and the kids. And you've already said it as Eric points out-where you are, where the kids grew up, where you can maximize your income to everyone's benefit.

So talk to your L with that goal in mind and get on it.

Like Eric, (and we've discussed it offline), 50/50 is best for the kids. However, it can sometimes be a struggle so do your homework NOW. Look into all your options and assets for pre/post school care; sick day coverage; etc.

This is no different than your business, Scorp. PLan it out with contingencies for everything like it's a project you are bidding.

Take your clear business plan to the L and get this gig!

On a side note, a pleasant hello and thanks to Wonka for being here. You played a memorable role in my sitch a couple years back. I didn't get a chance to say thanks as I did to everyone else.}

Regarding you last post and what's been going on-

I want you to go back to Mach's post and answer the concerns he (and several of us) feels is some missing pieces to this puzzle.

Also being a musician, I can relate to what occurred in your M. The questions/points I have to address are:

-So now that you know how she really felt (or how she claims to have felt. There is a difference. Many WAW's re-frame everything in history to support their current positions. Ask Sandy2)Why should this affect how you feel about music? That's not how you feel so it shouldn't pervert your experience retroactively. This distorted view also applies to "I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things"

-Why on earth would you deny yourself what makes you YOU (your guitar) for someone who can kiss you and hand you your lunch and then kidnap your kids while you're at work? Now she is stealing a significant part of what makes you happy AGAIN!!!

-"a nagging feeling that going for too much of what I want will hurt your W" I don't even know where to start on this!! Hurt? How about your surprise and hurt to find your wife and kids gone?
How about finding the police at your door on charges? How about getting info/demands from her via an intermediary? How about your initial discovery and follow-up lie when you found lawyer contact? And you're worried you'll hurt her? Does she appear to have similar concern? This isn't you W. This is your stb-ExW, Scorp.

She has clearly shown you the direction she wants to go. She wants to be EX and co-Parent (and another dependent). You are holding on to an illusion, my friend.

Now you are down to preserving/saving YOU (see music and going for 50/50 MINIMUM where YOU believe the kids are best served- in YOUR TOWN and where they grew up). I dare you to tell me you think otherwise. If kidnappers literally stole your kids for money, would you allow them to keep them there as long as you could see them week on/week off? That's exactly what you are volunteering for here.

Quite honestly, I sense fear in you. And I don't know why you would feel that for her. Unless there is something we all don't know hidden in Mach's questions.

Is there something in her accusations of abuse?

[AKHope]

Look Scorp, we've all been where you are or similar. And we're all just trying to let you know what we've learned from it that isn't always easy to see while you're in the thick of it. So ...

I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things.

Pure script. Read some other threads. It's very common for WAS's to rewrite history to justify their actions. As my friend Eric likes to say: Own your chit but don't let her put everything on you. Usually both parties have some fault.

Again, as I've said before, she was either afraid to tell me or I think the main issue was she didn't want to disappoint me by not going along with what she thought I wanted.

Mindreading. You don't know that. Stop.

Now that I've heard all of these things from my W it's like I have a mental block on anything that might seem like I'm doing something for myself that would go against my W.

What you should be mindreading is that maybe she knows this. And is using it against you.

Nice, Drew!
VERY Nice!