Hello all. First time here. Sorry for this being so long.
My H and I got married in 2004. He was military and I ended up being a stay at home wife. We would move every 2 to 3 years to new bases. My H has been deployed 4 times while he was in the military. Some I of them i really worried about him. But God brought him home safe to me. (Skip ahead) April 2010 - Military started doing some cut backs. H was one of the firefighters that got notice they were letting him go. (We weren't ready for that) June 2010 - Moved back to my home state to start our life. (Lived with my mother for 6 months while we could get into an apartment and look for work.) December 2010 - H enrolls in school full time. H loses one of his grandmothers. January 2011 - H starts school. I keep looking for work. February 2011 - H and I move out into our own place. (Skip ahead) June 2011 - H still in school. H's step-dad goes in for open heart surgery. H’s grandfather starts having health issues. September 2011 - H is still in school, My Dad passes away unexpectedly. Then 2 days after that my cousin passes unexpectedly. H starts taking a class at the collage for theater. Takes up A LOT of his time. December 2011 - One of H's friends is killed (But hasn't talked to her since they were in high school.) H still in school but starts failing a class but brings the other ones up. I bring up the issue about spending so much time working on theater stuff and putting off his homework. (Started filling like a mother.) We are having financial issues still. (Skip ahead) September 2012 – H is still in school. We have to put down one of our dogs unexpectedly. Our other dog that we thought we were going to put down sooner starts having more health issues. We start having financial issues. October 2012 – H’s grades start dropping. Procrastinating on homework. Spending a lot of time on theater stuff now. (Tells me that if he keeps up theater they will hire him for the job in the summer. Extra money. I am ok with that.) My Grandmother passes away. (Skip Ahead) February 2013 - H still in school. On my birthday his mom breaks the news to him that his grandmother has 3 months to live. (start having financial issues again, Family stepped in to help us again.) Start noticing that his mother and him aren’t talking as much. They use to call and talk to each other every day and now it is once or twice a week and not for long. If his sister calls while he is on the phone with his mom she tells him she will call him back and then it is like two days before she calls him back or they talk again. (Skip ahead) April 2013 - H and I put our stuff in storage and move back in with my mother. To help save some money. (H is really into the theater now. Taking a lot of his time, grades are really slipping.) September 2013 – Husband gets part time job to help us out. He is not only going to school but he is also working for the school now. October 2013 - H is still in school. We get a call one night while he was at the theater letting us know that his Grandmother passed away that morning. I wait for him to come home and I break the news to him and let him know he needs to call his mother. He had no reaction. Just told me the show must go on. Week before Halloween H flies down to see his mother and picks up his Grandmothers car. (Family is giving it to us since we only had one car.) H drives home. I worry about him the whole time he is gone. (I know how he is on long trips.) Excited he makes it home safe. Next week we talk about putting down our other dog. I didn’t want to do it on Halloween so we waited until the 1st. November 2013 - Put down our other dog. My Uncle passes away. Mind you this whole time we are having this stuff happen to us we are still a happy healthy couple. Until November 08, 2013 Bomb drop. Husband tells me he isn’t happy and it feels like we are roommates and we have lost the passion. Husband moves out. Will not tell me where he is going. Will not give me a phone number. Told me the only way to get ahold of his is email or calling his work. Friends and family are shocked they didn’t see this coming or see this even happening to us. They saw us as a normal healthy happy couple. Week one – Husband moves out. I don’t see him, he will not talk with me. He tells me he did some thinking over the weekend. (only takes his clothes with him and computer.) Week two - Meets me for dinner at a restaurant. He is all excited to see me. He is dressed up. If he could push through the crowd to get to me he would have. Tells me he wants to take things slow and start dating again so we can bring back the passion. I am ok with that. He cries to me telling me he loves me. He starts tracking me on my phone, checking my emails, and checking my Facebook page. He agrees to come to the memorial for my uncle. We go away for the weekend and everything starts out good but then he starts to pull away from me. Something in him changed and I noticed it. I pointed it out and asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t know. Writes me a beautiful poem. Week Three – I tried to track him since he was tracking me but I wasn’t good at it. He caught me. He gets mad at me. Tells me he doesn’t want to kiss me doesn’t want to hug me. He has lost trust in me. (Um how did I break the trust in him when I did the same thing he has been doing to me????) No talking the rest of that week. Week Four – I call him to see if he will meet me for dinner so we can talk about bills. He meets me. He sits on the same side of table as me holding my hand. Telling me he loves me and that he wants to work on our marriage. After that dinner he didn’t contact me until Wednesday night wanted me to meet him at his work. So we sat in the car and talked. He was holding hands with me, kissing me, telling me he loves me. Did the same thing the next time. Then didn’t see him over the weekend. Week Five – Time with him gets less and less. Still kissing and holding on to me doesn’t want to leave me when we see each other. Emails me all day wanted to know if I made it to work ok (something we have always done, but now he is doing more of it.) Gets upset if I don’t email him back right way. Stops calling me. But keeps telling me he loves me and he wants our marriage to work. Friends tell me to change my passwords on my stuff so he can’t track me anymore. So I do. WOW. BIG BLOW UP FROM HIM. He isn’t happy about me changing them. Week Six – Nothing until I posted on Facebook that I was sitting in the doctor’s office and it taking so long. (His mother tells him.) Then I get a phone call that night when he is getting off work telling me that he wants to come get the rest of his stuff he wants to get a divorce. He is tired of the ROLLERCOASTER ride and wants off. I meet him at his work. When I see him I knew it wasn’t my husband it was like he was a different man, evil looking. Started yelling at me. We were sitting in our car and he went to hand me my mom’s house keys back. I told him I never asked for them back because I was hoping one day he would find it in his heart to come home on his own. So he puts them back on his key ring. Then he starts yelling at me again telling me this is my entire fault I didn’t pay enough attention to him. He pulls the keys off again and puts them in the center console of our car. I ask him calmly well what would you like to do about our bank account and car insurance. He looks at me and tells me DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW. I said yes because he just told me he wanted a divorce. He drops it. He tells me he needs to go but sits there for 15 mins talking to me about our relationship. Then tells me again he needs to go. 15 more mins go by and he didn’t get out and leave. Then another 15 and he said he really needs to go so I said ok fine go then I am not stopping him. But before he gets out of the car I try to push him and ask him for a hug so he hugs me really hard and holds on to me. We leave; I come home and talk with my mom about everything that just happened. I forgot the keys were in the center console of the car. So I tell myself I will go out and get them. (got side tracked) So the next day I go out to get the keys before I leave for work and they aren’t there. I went through the whole car looking for them. I came in and looked through our room. Not there. Dumped my purse out. Not there. He had to of taken the keys back when he was hugging me. He has told me he is depressed, he gets angry at little things and angry at me and he never used to be that way. He started drinking a little bit before he left but not a lot. (not sure if he is drinking more now or not.) When I talked with his mother she said she noticed he was angry toward her. He has stopped doing things that he loved to do. He has pushed all his friends away. (They started calling me to find out what is going on.) He is showing no sign of wanting to work on the marriage. He is running away from me. He wants time and space. He doesn’t care what others think. Currently only cares about himself. Blames everyone else for his own actions. He is illogical and no consequences or responsibilities. It seems an alien has taken over his body. His emotions control every move. When he left he told me I didn’t give him enough sex, I didn’t please him sexually, I didn’t listen to him. As of right now I don’t feel like there is OW. I am praying to God that there isn’t one. I have started working on myself. I have be doing things with friends and family. I have started eating better and looking for a better job. February 2014 he contacts me to tell me to get my own insurance and bank account. I email him back and tell him I will take care of it. We still have joint account. I am paying all the bills. He is just paying his rent, gas, and car insurance. H has taken some of his stuff out of our storage unit. Not sure where he has put it. His mail still gets sent here. He finally changed the plates on his grandmothers car to OR when he is living in WA. Has not asked for the rest of his things after I have told him he could have them. Hasn’t told all of his family about us. Not sure what he has told them. Does this sound like a MLC? And if so has anyone else dealt with a vanisher? If so how long can this last? Does anyone have any positive results? I am willing to stand for my marriage.
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Cadet, Thank you for your post. I have started reading them. I have already read some of them before i posted this. I have also recommended this site to a friend/coworker of mine that is going through kinda the same thing. I told her there is so much information. Everyone seems to be so nice that i told her she could get support here too. Even knowing i haven't posted a lot i feel like i already know some of the people. Thank you again for your post.:)
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
Hi Maya, sorry you here but these boards will help you with support. It does sounds like MLC to me but definitely read everything that Cadet posted. Everything. It does help to explain some of the stuff that seems so crazy. I still read the information several times, i've only been here a short time but it helps to understand. keep posting and reading some of the other situations, you will see a lot of similarities.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thank you TL72 I just finished reading the "Dark and light" still a little confused on it but i am going back to re read some posts on it. Trying to understand it. I think i have already been doing the dark. Only reason i say that is because in one of his emails he was really mad at me and told me he didn't want to see me,talk to me, or even telepathically hear from me. So i did what he asked for. I am giving him space. Not sure why he said Telepathically?.. That still makes me question..lol.. I am hoping to get some kind of answers or something to what happened to the man i married. The one so carrying and loving, then one day just up and left and had a dead like look in his eyes and became so mean.
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
Learning to detach will be the most important thing you can do. Also focus on you and GAL. Act "as if" he's never coming back. For me the old marriage is dead and gone, I threw everything away, every photo, any reminder. I don't even want that old marriage back. I want him back of course but hoping for the new improved version when he comes out of this tunnel - IF he ever comes out of the tunnel and when he does IF he has contact with me again. Unfortunately there's a chance he won't so I have to just put that aside and focus on my life, my goals, without him. I still have hope, there's always hope. Giving him what he wants (space) is a good idea. I am giving mine space too - letting him figure it out on his own. We can't help, we can't fix it, just have to let them go through it on their own. It's hard to accept.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Ok so i have gone dark. I guess you could say i went dark on Jan 9,14. But then he contacted me and i replied short to his email. Then last week H's Uncle called and left a message on my cell phone for him. So i did email him and let him know. ( No answer from H) So from what i am reading I am still in dark state. Still trying to understand it all. I was talking with one of my friends who doesn't know H. And when i brought up MLC she looked at me like i was the one who was taken by aliens. Is this normal when you say something about MLC to other people? I just dropped the topic from there. As it stands now no word from him and not sure what he is doing. Just working on my self still and trying to read up on everything. Some days i feel like i am not strong enough for this, But other days i feel like i can take it head on. Just praying every day....
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
So I have been reading and reading. So many thing I have read sounds just like my H I am having a hard day today. I just want to share some news with him and hug him and kiss him. But I now understand some what he is kind of going through. I am just missing him a lot right now.
W-37 H-36 No kids H-moved out Nov 08,13 H-no contact Dec 18,13 Married for 10 years Together for 12 years
