Trying to understand??

[peacetoday]

Have not seen nor heard from XH for many years
he left 7 years ago
and has no contact with his kids(school age) for like 4 years
but
I received 2 very large hospital bills with his name sent to our office

I called my XSIL to try to make sense of it and see if XH was ok
She said he was at her home a few months ago
He looked good she said and appeared to be "normal" and drug free
The family was going to help him get a job ..
but He was not allowed to bring W
He seemed like maybe he was leaving W

hard to understand the story because it seemed so weird
anyway when the family figured out W was hiding in his room
they kicked them both out
xh never asked about the kids
nor did he mention or talk about his mothers death 2 years prior
they said the W is psychotic and hears voices (sil words)
and sIL said xh said he loves w and can't leave her
they are together 7plus years
so xh left with W

I always still want closure and to make sense of it all

[job]

Peace,
You may never get the kind of closure you eventually would get w/a loved one passing away. We've had discussions about "closure" here and the closest thing that comes to closure would be an apology and some of us have received those, but many have been said off the cuff and don't sound genuine.

I have found that you will try to make sense of it all, but the bottom line is that when emotions and depression play a huge role in the crisis, it's difficult to make sense of anything they've done during their crisis because they aren't thinking rationally.

I'm sorry you received the two hospital bills, but he might have had them sent there to let you know that he had been in the hospital. They have a way of "letting" us know what's been going in their lives, i.e., even if we've had not contact w/them for years on end.

I do hope that you can find some peace and hopefully one day, he'll find the strength to want to talk to you and apologize.

[peacetoday]

Job

Thank You
Im still thinking about it

I don't get how his sisters can say he seems "normal" but different
He is functioning well and looks ok.

He takes odd jobs now when he used to have a really good job
and his W who is 14 years younger- they describe as a total freak
" who hears voices"
and is Not allowed in their homes
But he can't leave her-he left me?


how they can totally eliminate one part of their lives especially a part where they were successful and he was a caring father

Im glad he seemed sober, but I still feel he must be using some sort of prescription drug to keep him in suppression and detached from his former life and decisions

I guess Im still waiting to get some sort of apology
to reach out to see his kids
or to see him get better or get closer to the person I once loved
although I have moved on in some ways, I don't think I will fully ever let go without getting some form of real understanding
I see some of my friends who are D and have a good R with XH and parent well together
and I always hope he will try to make amends to the kids
but you are right I may never see any of that
I guess it is Gods plan..not mine

thanks

[Cadet]

I can only say that my mother is bipolar and has been that way for 60 years of my life.
She left my father who has now passed away over 20 years ago, she still has nothing good to say about him and he really never did anything "wrong" other than try to stand by her and help her.
Yes he moved on after she divorced him, he was lonely.

I will never get closure from her because she is not dealing with a full deck of cards.
What make you think that your exH is?
I am sure that he has many issues.
I dont think we can have those types of expectations.

It would be nice but it is unrealistic, IMHO.

Some of these people are just over the edge.

(((((HUGS)))))

[peacetoday]

yes Thank You

I am letting it all go again

Its been so long -I usually resist from called my SIL

When I hear stuff about XH, It kicks it all up again

[mirage]

Peace,

You are going to have to give yourself closure. That will come from accepting him as the person he is today. I say this from experience having lived through my own MLC. He will probably not remember the things you would like him to apologize for. He is in a world you cannot imagine. You are expecting him to see it from a rational point of view. That just doesn't exist right now.

My children(1 adult)understand there mom is not the person they remember. She still says things to them when she does see them that are just "kind of nutty". They ask me questions from time to time and its tough hearing that sadness in there voices when they talk about it.

Peace, I will say this and not to be harsh, We are born as an individual and will die as an individual. We are not born together nor do we die together. Please allow the life you lived with him to die so you can start anew.

Believe me, I've been where you are. I tried to understand my EXW MLC. I understood mine after I went through it. My life is better for it but that is not the norm. The only other person that got to the otherside that posts here regularly is Wonka. That means that a lot don't.

So, create a life now for you. To say that a life well lived is the best revenge is true. It allows you to move on and understand you can't control other people. Don't get me wrong, if you want to stand then stand, if you want to move on then move on, but do those things for you.

My children know that I'm there rock. I can say I'm proud of the way I handled myself. Easy - no way(I was a freakn mess inside but kept that to me.) But now, confident - yes, content - yes, The life I thought I would be living - no. This life is difficult, give yourself a break.

Good having you here

Mirage

[peacetoday]

Thank You Mirage

I am letting it go again
Thanks for the reminder..XH is not the same man I knew
I have to let go of any expectations that he will once again be a caring father
He has abandoned his kids and that might be for the rest of his life-

they have practically forgotten him

His father did similar stuff but his dad was not as far gone as he is

I have moved on , but I always wish for a happier ending

No I don't want XH back..I once did

But of course any mother would want their children's father to be available for them
but again it is Gods plan and I have to trust and respect that
God sees the bigger picture and I have limited view
Thanks for the responses
Peace

[AJM]

I have moved on , but I always wish for a happier ending

What exactly would a happier ending look like? If you're like me, I suspect it would be that he figures himself out and reconnects with his kids at some point. That there's "reconciliation" (not to be confused with reconnection with you).

I was talking to an old friend the other day. His exW cheated and ran off when his kids (same ages as mine) were little. Since then, they have been able to parent together. I do know what you mean by that, although for many of us that's not in the future. Myself included. The thing that caught me off-guard is that he is going through some serious medical issues in the coming weeks. Potentially life-changing. And guess who wants to be there by his side? His exW. We joked that her H might not appreciate that. My buddy mentions that all these years later he still loves her. Surprised me.

But then it made sense. There is that bond of first spouse. That won't go away. In that sense, there's no closure, per se.

What there is, is acceptance that they are not that person. What there can be is reconciliation of the past (i.e. acceptance and forgiveness). You can move on and have different, and often better relationships in the future.

Why do MLCr's seem to pick what we might consider scumbags or nut jobs as their OP to runaway with? Are they punishing themselves? Finding somebody more screwed up than their own head? Poor self-esteem?

<shrugs> Would they ever pick somebody we would agree with? Doubtful

I don't know that you can permanently put the feelings down to a point you don't feel something when out of the blue "postcards" come in. But you do have ways of dealing with it, and you can have a great life for you and your kids. And you can hope the best for your ex and others like him.

Mirage is right - it's our life. It's up to us to live it our way as an individual just as we came into this life and will leave it. Closure might not be the right word for the way things happen. Might be better put as the end of an era or chapter in our life.

AJ

[peacetoday]

AJM

Thanks
I agree..I guess to accept that that chapter with XH is over and done
There may not be any reconnection phase between him and the kids
I do wish him and OW/w the best
Not sure I am totally at forgiveness but I am traveling closer there

My friends and family say I lucky my kids do not have to be subjected to XH /W
lives
we are stable here..kids are well and adjusted as far as I can see

Thanks
Peace

[courageouswife]

Hi peacetoday

I am sorry that your xh is still up to the same old stuff! I am sure the hospital bills did trigger something for you! You will find your peace again! I am glad that you and your kids are living a good life!
(((HUGS)))
CW