There's another dead bishop on the landing...

[LoisB]

One other business note: The tech stories have slowed down. I'm not liking that. I was told I would have three or so in my box and they aren't there. I need to join the tech society soon. I'm going to N.Carolina though first. I NEED to get away.

And, I need to plan or the summer. I do NOT want to have another summer like last where I was scratching and scrimping to get by. I have some workshop ideas in mind and I want to advertise soon. Tech writing may also help alleviate the stress.

All but one chicken were eaten by foxes this week. I think it was foxes. Maybe coons?? When I get back from vacation, I'm going to sell the coop. Maybe I can pick it back up when we are in a better financial situation, but not now. The money will help with the Jeep and vacation.

As far as GAL-ing:

This vacation is going to a blessing and a half. I think going this time will make it easier to do this again. And, although Smokey's lack of contribution isn't helpful, I am proud of myself for getting the bills paid and being able to pull this off without a whole lot of his help.

The subject of boys--Thank you all for your thoughts. I did sit on all that was posted and considered your ideas, opinions, experiences carefully. Yes, Eric, women need "some" too. And, I feel like I fit the criteria right now. Sex was always a stress release for me--well, for anyone? Right?

Side Note: Has anyone else had this experience? As I get more and more detached from Smokey, I've realized how many good things we had going on in the relationship. It's weird. It's not that I want him back, but I'm able to see with some clarity how lucky we were in so many respects. I don't know many, if any, married friends who are really happy. We actually had a pretty marriage, aside from his damaged goods thing going on...

I digress... I like boys. Sorry Wonka. I know you are crushing on me. Gotta be me. I really like boys and I like the attention I get from boys. And, I've met some really nice guys on this eharmony thing. And, the forester is nice too.

BUT, I DO see how I'm still recovering. My self-esteem was badly bruised by being treated so badly by someone so broken. And, I need to address that BEFORE I get into anything serious with anyone else.

At the same time, I never dated. I went to an all girls school, left home because of an abusive stepdad, moved in with Smokey and finished college after we married. I never dated.

I'm liking this dating thing--at least my version of it--which is mainly emailing some men through eharmony. I've never done this and it's fun. I'm being very cautious.

So, I'm not giving this part up. The flirting stays.

Still, I need a balanced life. I need to invite some more women friends into my world. My women friends are all married and really don't get where I'm coming from.

And, I'm sick of heavy stuff. I have done years and years of therapy and al-anon and all kinds of self-help. You have to remember, I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I knew he was alcoholic for 20 years. In that time, I filled my life with like-minded women.

One therapist told me years ago, "Heather, you are a good little soldier. You have spent your life being a good little soldier." She was so right. I have been surrounded with damaged people who took out their pain on others. I have lived to clean up their messes. I need some fun. Not crazy, leave my D11 kinda fun. But, safe, get to know more people, widen my horizons, travel more and live my life kinda fun.

I'm thinking I want to join some fun stuff:

Drum lessons
Tap dancing
Yoga classes
Knitting
Church on Sundays. A good friend of mine has been pushing me to go with her to church.

I'm still thinking.

Yesterday was hard. It was just a lot of stuff all at once. I recovered. I appreciate everyone's thoughts.

I'm back on the horse today.

[LoisB]

Eric,

I will address the other stuff later. Really good points. Thanks so much for taking the time to post. I so appreciate a man's point of view.

The body image thing:

I've always been pretty. And, I've used it. I still feel pretty, but I'm a different pretty. I can still get outta the speeding ticket. But, I'm 45 and I'm a few sizes larger than I like. And, going on these online sites means seeing the kind of men I would like to attract. I would like to attract healthy, active guys, some younger maybe even. So, I need to step it up some.

That's hard to face. It's not the end of the world. It's aging. I still feel like a beautiful woman, but I am not in the condition I would like to be in right now. Still, KML made a good point when she said that it's nice when men find you attractive at a bigger size. It's flattering how the forester seemed attracted to the me I am now.

Body image issues...eh, no more than any other woman in America.

By-the-by, Google the dad who wrote his daughter a letter in the make up aisle of a grocery store. It's beautiful. The little girl is like 4 and he wrote this beautiful piece to her about how he hopes she will always remember her true value is inside.

[Wonka]

Heather,

What I am hearing here is that you get your self-worth based on your own physical attractiveness to men.

You are worthy in your own right, in your full glory as Heather, and as a great Mom. Maybe you might want to work on that perspective and shift to self-acceptance of your own worth. That comes from self-love first and foremost. Then the rest will take care of itself.

For me, I derive my self-worth from self-love and self-acceptance. Sure, it feels good if I turn heads but that does not underpin my sense of worth based others' view of me. See the difference? I have seen older women radiate in self-confidence and they look "amazing" because of that vibe they give away. They do not necessarily have Sophia Loren's looks, but by golly...they are attractive nevertheless!

It is the inner love that radiates outward and they DO attract people. Have you ever noticed this when you see men and women have that special quality that just draws you in their spheres?
They aren't the George Clooneys or Sophia Lorens.

How one accomplishes that is all in how you think of yourself. Change your thoughts and then the external will change.

This brings me to another point about your experience with Smokey and alcoholics. One can either place themselves in an environment that attracts certain individuals. What is it that makes you want to hang around alcoholics? I am not saying you're doing this intentionally. However, it is from your inner world that brings these folks to your front porch so to speak. They are your mirror to what's going on within you.

When you move to a more healthy place on the inside, then the external will reflect that. This is the Law of Attraction in action whether you realize this or not at the conscious level.
It is always on in full operation. It never turns off.

[Wonka]

BTW, Ms. Wonka and I had a good convo about family, weather, businesses, and other safe subjects. Then at the end, I brought up Ms. Wonka's partner's name one or two times. Got through that part intact!

Now for real, I would hope you mushy romantics can put that idealistic notion of me and Ms. Wonka reconciling to rest FOR ONCE AND ALL.

[BrightFuture]

Side Note: Has anyone else had this experience? As I get more and more detached from Smokey, I've realized how many good things we had going on in the relationship. It's weird. It's not that I want him back, but I'm able to see with some clarity how lucky we were in so many respects. I don't know many, if any, married friends who are really happy. We actually had a pretty marriage, aside from his damaged goods thing going on...

Yes, I’ve been having similar thoughts recently. After this past weekend when I’ve seen more of an “old” H, I realized that we actually had a very good M.

I completely agree with what Wonka posted. I was worried about how I looked all my life that I lost that special touch with inner self at some point. Then I became very clingy and jealous person. I’ve been doing a pretty good job on getting back to who I was when I met H. The only thing I still don’t know how to avoid to be attracted to the same kind of guy. I analyzed all my childhood issues and why I became clingy, but I still don’t know if I would be able to tell what actually attracts me to a guy. I’m afraid I’m going to repeat the pattern. So, this is something I’m still working on.

[sweetbabyred]

I just wanted to jump in and agree with gabbysmom about the 5k and other fun events. I don't consider myself a runner, but I'm signed up for a ton of mud runs, foam and obstacle runs, and regular races this year. A lot of them will let you run for free if you volunteer at registration or another area before the event.

And a lot of major cities have massage schools that offer really low rates so their students can get their practice hours in. Here it's usually $25 for an hour and they often have 1/2 price specials, and you can't tip the students so it's very affordable.

And going to church is good too, especially if you've got a friend to go with. At the very least it's an hour of not thinking about your sitch.

[ericmsant2]

Lois,
I am not one to judge. I totally understand the feeling that I suspect you are going through. They are real. I get it – I do. If you feel the need to date, which I suspect based on your post you are not dating per se but rather “testing the waters” – I would only say be careful. Here is what happened to me…and ftr, I know you know that you are not me…so take this for what it is worth.

So….here I was dealing with my ex mlc. No sex, no intimacy on any level. About the only thing I had was me. I was lonely. I spent a lot of time wondering…who would want a man with 3 kids, who would want a man that was broken, who would want a man that was damaged. Crap…could I even find an older women who would be attracted to me, especially with all the baggage. I needed validation (or so I thought). So I started flirting. Subtly – someone reciprocated. It felt great. Chit it felt better than great. After so long…..someone said, I was handsome, that I was an amazing man, that I was funny, that I was emotional, that I was the type of man they wanted. Even though, to be honest, I didn’t believe it. Not that I did not believe the person – nope – I didn’t believe myself. This person continued. They touch me on many many levels. We started an R. A physical one. I being in the frame of mind that I was in….interpreted these feelings as LOVE. Yipee I was in LOVE. Someone LOVED me! Yipee. I was worthy. I was according to her…the best thing since slice bread. The problem though was that I still did not believe it. Deep down inside I knew I needed this validation. Deep down inside…I needed this. Deep down inside I knew it would never work. Deep down inside I knew this was not the type of love that would make our relationship last forever. Deep down inside (and I am embarrassed to say this) I knew I was using this person to make myself feel better. So…. I told myself and everyone else that would listen that I was “in love”. Honestly, on some level I did love this person…but it was a different kind of love. This is that slippery slope….that Wonka mentioned. Not sure if this is what she meant but this is how I interpreted what she wrote. That slippery slope, where you THINK you are in love – when in reality what you are looking for is validation. Validation of YOUR sense of being a partner. Validation of being “lovable”. In the end, I broke someones heart. Still feel bad to this day about it. She loved me. I did not love her the same way. Deep down inside I KNOW that I USED HER LOVE to help validate me. At the end of the day, I am not gonna lie, if I did not have this relationship, I would not be where I am today. So although in many ways (and I am sure some will disagree with me posting this) this relationship was good for me. It just came at the expense of someone else and that is a cross that I must carry.

So Lois, is this what you really want? Do you really want to take a chance of hurting someone else? At the end of the day, I still needed to learn how to validate myself, I still needed to learn and REALLY BELIEVE that I was special. That I was a good man, that I was a good lover and partner. Yes, the person I dated help soothe the pain but it came at a price. Is this the price you are willing to pay? No one can answer that but you. I will not judge you.

On a separate note, I know several people that actually married the person they started dating before they were ready. To a man…each one….has regretted their choices. So Lois, think it through….
Flirting IMO, is like playing with fire. Ya never know when you are gonna get burned.
You mentioned in your post that you have used your looks in the past. My only question….is that who you want to be?

Once again…not judging…

Peace,
Eric

[LoisB]

Thanks guys. Wow. A lot of really good ideas and advice and support. I really appreciate it.

Job made a really good point a while back. She said that life isn't going to "instantly" become easy or more convenient just because my spouse left me. Life happens. Cars break down before vacations, a barn roof gets a leak, bills have a tendency to "show up" at the worst time... such is life. I need to learn how to take better care of myself and maintain my PMA.

I'm better than I was, but not there yet!!

I tend to allow life to deplete me and, THEN, I rally or fall into a lump. I think the key, here, is to catch myself and regroup, BEFORE, I feel so depleted.

One therapist told me years ago, "Heather, you are a good little soldier. You have spent your life being a good little soldier." She was so right. I have been surrounded with damaged people who took out their pain on others. I have lived to clean up their messes. I need some fun. Not crazy, leave my D11 kinda fun. But, safe, get to know more people, widen my horizons, travel more and live my life kinda fun.

The above is the key for Heather. I grew up with an insanely perfectionist father. I used to create these long lists of character flaws I was going to "fix." I did this from the time I could write. I have lists from when I was 10 years old where I am describing this new "regime" where I am going to get fit and smart and read and journal daily. It's very sad.

I, then, married a hyper-critical man who judged everything in a very negative, sarcastic way.

"Fun" has never been something that comes easily to me. Life has always been a struggle. That's the belief I was raised with. Life is hard and you need to just muddle through.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. I kinda forget the point I was trying to make.

[LoisB]

You know how "they" (whoever THEY are?) say that once you realize you are thirsty, you are already dehydrated??? That's how I am with depletion and overkill on stress. Once I realize I'm desperately needing a vacation, break, sex, fun...that's when I'm wayyyyy past my breaking point.

I need to catch this sooner. I need to schedule fun into my life in order to keep from getting to depletion or dehydration. A part of me thinks that by scheduling regular fun, I am taking time away from things that need my attention and somehow we will starve or end up on the street. I need to change this thinking. I need to meet like-minded women who are able to succeed AND have fun.

[LoisB]

Here's the list:

I want to race go-karts.
I want to learn how to play the drums.
I want to walk in the Autism 5K.
I want to visit Lincoln's house in Springfield.
I want to learn how to fire a gun well.