How do you do THIS part...

[swoop]

I am going to start this thread on a sad note, simply because that is where I am today. I'm just sad. With time, I hope to get into the swing of this forum. I definitely need a change in perspective. I need to now focus on surviving my divorce. My marriage is gone. I have hoped and wished for so long that we could reconcile, or that my wife would choose to try...Didn't happen. She never so much as hiccupped in her decision to leave. She seems to still have as much dislike, hurt and anger towards me, as she did the day she walked out. That isn't making divorce proceedings any easier. Our lawyers are the only ones reaping the benefits of that. It has been a confusing ride, this "trial separation" that is now resulting in divorce, but one that I acknowledge I played a role in. I will never understand her reasons for quitting so easily on our marriage, but life somehow has to go on. We have been separated for just under a year and a half, and she has completely moved on with her life. Our divorce is in full swing. Actually, today I have a custody hearing to attend. I am nervous about it. It is just one more step in the closure of our 12 year relationship. I am nervous about the future for my daughter, for myself and for my soon to be ex-wife. I cannot believe how difficult this process has been. I never realized how deeply I could be hurt, and I often wonder if I will ever really heal from this.

Divorce....yep....it $ucks!

[RockJC]

I am truly sorry things didn't end differently for you. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that at some point, some marriages need to end. You can hold your head high knowing you kept your vows and valued your wife.

I am beginning to realize that your dignity and your character are the most important things you take with you when you leave a marriage.

And yes, the divorce process is awful. You will survive.

[labug]

How'd the custody hearing go?

[Golfgirl1]

Yes, it does stink. How someone exits so quickly and easily is beyond me. But, this is about her and not you. Rest assuredly that you did all you could and this is the outcome. Please, take time to heal; to truly feel every emotion as they will all come out and reappear time and time again. It's the only way to heal. You WILL make it through and life will be better than you every imagined. Heal for you and your daughter; she will need you as well. Try not to waste your time thinking about your soon to be ex; focus on you. Some answers you will never have and that's okay. You can move on without them. We are all here to support you. Love and nurture yourself, build your friend base, find a spiritual practice and take it day by day...

[swoop]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.
I will admit, it is still hard for me, not to focus on W and why she is making the choices that she is. I actually find it ironic, some of her choices. I am trying, and have been trying, for well over a year to make my life what I want it to be. Like many people discover, a lot of things change after you have spent many years in a relationship, had children, AGED. I don't even know what I want for my life. All that I am used to is what I already had, and now that is gone. This time it will have to be different, parenting plans, dealing with exes, co-parenting and still trying to establish a happy loving relationship of my own. It is tough, but I am getting better every day, feeling stronger, happier, more secure on my own. I know I have become a much better person through all of this, and I have an opportunity to make my future better than I had ever hoped..

In regards to the temporary parenting plan. The Judge ruled that we will have 50/50 visitation with Daughter, the same as it has been for well over a year now. He did change a couple dates, so that birthdays and special occasions are split up more evenly. He did NOT however, make any ruling on primary custodian. He put that off to be decided at a later date....I am not really clear on that, but I know I will have to continue stacking my chips for the day, when it comes.

Wife is becoming more angry, as the divorce ramps up. She was just given notice to vacate our apartment, by my siblings. This was on recommendation of my attorney. Needless to say, she was VERY unhappy about that. However, she has been living full time with OM for several months now. It is time for her to move on, and remove her things from the property, call it a consequence or what have you, but it is just one more thing that causes tension. I hate this point where we are at....

[gunny]

Hi suckerpunch,
Sorry for what you are going through. It has been a couple of years for me since my divorce, and while you do learn to live with it and find some peace and happiness as time goes on, the pain does periodically resurface. But, as Rockjc above said, if you can keep your integrity, character and honor throughout the ordeal, you will be a better man my friend! After all is said and done, what more does a man have, and its a darn good base to build from, good luck!

[swoop]

Thanks, Gunny!

I am trying to hold my head high and keep from acting the way I soooooo want to act...haha

Truth be told, I really want to be able to look back on this and feel that I tried the best I could, to both save my marriage and dissolve it amicably. It isn't something that anyone can be proud of. I do feel like a failure in some regards, but I hope I can continue to grow from it.

[ericmsant2]

Suckerpunch

I will admit, it is still hard for me, not to focus on W and why she is making the choices that she is.

It takes time to work through all of this. So be gentle on yourself – for now.

I don't even know what I want for my life.

Instead of focusing on the scary part of this journey…..focus on the positives. You can define YOUR life. It can be what YOU want it to BE! So take the energy you are using thinking about your ex and apply it to figure out what YOUR dreams are. Start small…. what emotional goals do you have for you, how do you want your R with the kids to be like, do you want to travel, what about work…have you ever wanted to do something else, hobbies….what have you always wanted to do?

This time it will have to be different, parenting plans, dealing with exes, co-parenting and still trying to establish a happy loving relationship of my own.

Different is NOT right nor is it wrong…it is DIFFERENT. YOU are not a failure, nor are you less of who you were. On the contrary, you can be stronger and you can be better BECAUSE things are DIFFERENT.

Wife is becoming more angry, as the divorce ramps up.

Par for the course – allow her to live her choices. Ignore her anger and let the L’s deal with it.

She was just given notice to vacate our apartment, by my siblings. This was on recommendation of my attorney.

Listen to your attny..but also remember your attny works for YOU.

It isn't something that anyone can be proud of. I do feel like a failure in some regards, but I hope I can continue to grow from it.

Raise your right hand…..come a little closer to the screen……closer……..closer….LOL…no seriously, look in the mirror and say to yourself – I am not a FAILURE! I am not a FAILURE! You can be proud that you stood for what you believed in, you can be proud that you are an active parent in your kids life. You are not a failure!

Peace,
Eric

[swoop]

Suckerpunch

I will admit, it is still hard for me, not to focus on W and why she is making the choices that she is.

It takes time to work through all of this. So be gentle on yourself – for now.

I am trying to be gentle on myself. I am trying to continually move forward. It's still so difficult for me, even over a year later. I am getting there, but my healing just seems to be moving REALLY slow. I wish I could hit fast forward, just for a little while...haha

I don't even know what I want for my life.

Instead of focusing on the scary part of this journey…..focus on the positives. You can define YOUR life. It can be what YOU want it to BE! So take the energy you are using thinking about your ex and apply it to figure out what YOUR dreams are. Start small…. what emotional goals do you have for you, how do you want your R with the kids to be like, do you want to travel, what about work…have you ever wanted to do something else, hobbies….what have you always wanted to do?

My relationship with my D7 is excellent. I can be happy that this divorce has brought me even closer to her. I guess that is a positive I can focus on. I have never really had a desire to travel. I am very happy in my area, and don't have an overwhelming need to see other places. Don't get me wrong, I still like to vacation, but for the most part I am happy being a homebody. I love my work. I cant see changing anything there. I have a few hobbies that I enjoy. I would like to get back into others, but financially that is not an option. Being a single parent and homeowner makes time somewhat difficult to manage as well. For the most part, the only thing I am REALLY missing in my life is companionship, someone to spend time with, share with, be intimate with. You know, a wife

This time it will have to be different, parenting plans, dealing with exes, co-parenting and still trying to establish a happy loving relationship of my own.

Different is NOT right nor is it wrong…it is DIFFERENT. YOU are not a failure, nor are you less of who you were. On the contrary, you can be stronger and you can be better BECAUSE things are DIFFERENT.

I agree. I don't feel so much like a personal failure. I know I am a good person, that I tried my best to save my marriage. I tried to fix and improve my marriage for my daughters sake, for my families sake. I tried. One person can't make that happen, and that is unfortunate. I guess what I am experiencing is more of a feeling that others might view me as a failure or a weak man because I couldn't hold my marriage together, that my wife left me. I know those feelings are not right, but they are still in my head and it's hard to evict them.

Wife is becoming more angry, as the divorce ramps up.

Par for the course – allow her to live her choices. Ignore her anger and let the L’s deal with it.

I am trying my best to do so. It is difficult, because I know some of the decisions she is making will probably end up haunting her, haunting my daughter. That is very hard for me to detach from.

She was just given notice to vacate our apartment, by my siblings. This was on recommendation of my attorney.

Listen to your attny..but also remember your attny works for YOU.

That is true. I decided against my attorneys advice to allow her to reside in our apartment for well over a year. She has been living with OM for over 6 months now, yet she still feels entitled to maintain HER APARTMENT. It is time she moves on.

It isn't something that anyone can be proud of. I do feel like a failure in some regards, but I hope I can continue to grow from it.

Raise your right hand…..come a little closer to the screen……closer……..closer….LOL…no seriously, look in the mirror and say to yourself – I am not a FAILURE! I am not a FAILURE! You can be proud that you stood for what you believed in, you can be proud that you are an active parent in your kids life. You are not a failure!

Peace,
Eric

Thanks, Eric. I am going to write that down and continue telling myself that. I need to figure out a way to hold my head up high through this whole process. I am having a really tough time coming to closure. It all seems so wrong to me, that my brain can't tell me that it is truly over. How do you make that change? I want it to change. I honestly do. I want to get back to my old self and find happiness. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels through life right now.

[Miranda]

Oh you poor soul. You seem to be feeling so much pain after such a long time. I am so sorry and send you a big hug and hope that you end up in a better happier relationship in the future.
My H has been gone seven weeks and I am in so much pain. I'm beginning to lose hope as he is so horrible to me and to be honest I'm not sure it would be a good idea to have him back, but wow does it hurt and I just ache for him. I really hope that I am not still so sad in a year's time. That is a very depressing thought.