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A Message from Michele
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Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Lost!] #2435701
03/05/14 01:37 PM
03/05/14 01:37 PM
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Mach1 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Lost!
I'm honestly not focusing on what she's doing anymore.


This ^^^ is the first line from the below post....

Originally Posted By: Lost!
I'm honestly not focusing on what she's doing anymore I'm working on me and trying to be strong for my daughter. She's deep in this and nothing I say at this point can stop it. It's a waiting game at this point. I'm taking the time to take care of business and working on me. She already made it clear that our marriage is over and I need to move on with my life. Her family no longer talk to me or include me in there weekly group text. This is my opportunity to work on me, either for the good or bad.


If you aren't focusing on her, then why are HER actions changing the person that you say you want to be ?

Why are you allowing what SHE does, to affect what YOU need to do ?

And if you aren't focusing on her anymore, then why do the words "she" "her" "they" "OM" come up so much ???



These are your last 2 posts...



Originally Posted By: Lost!

None. No bitterness other than disappointment. I went through a lot and still dealing with same BS. Any man will honestly be disappointed. I'm just working on doing me and focusing all my attention on my daughter. I can only control me and not what she doing. Our relationship is different. I don't get to see her every day or every week. I see her every month and that's it. She get to see OM everyday. They work together and reside in same city. I can not compete with that. We are talking about relationship affair here now. Her family knows about OM already. I no longer have any communication with them anymore. I've my beautiful daughter. She's my joy and everything.



I am confused about some of the "her" and "she" language above.

Are you speaking of your Daughter ? Or your spouse ??



Originally Posted By: Lost!
I know. I really have to think deep about that one. I just feel bad that I allow her to do so much to me. She's now changing the story and turning herself to the victim. I guess she need to justify her actions


So tell me, if you aren't focusing on her anymore, why I am seeing those words so many times....???

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Lostforwords] #2435734
03/05/14 03:39 PM
03/05/14 03:39 PM
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Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline OP
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I'm the type that will not care or give a rat ass of what people think of me. Getting married change all that. I speak highly of her and her family to my friends and family. I never once brought up her flaws or the way I was treated in the marriage. My approach with our marriage was different. I keep everything closed in because I thought she was my rock. I elevated her so much that I made a big fool of myself at the end. I'm too ashamed to tell my entire family about all this mess. Not that am afraid of being judge but hate for them to share in my disappointment. I know at the end I'll be fine. Life goes on with or without her. I'm planning now and working on the future I want for me and my daughter. I can not wait to go back to work in two month. I want the distraction over with so I can focus on work and not a lust wife. I'm doing everything in my power to get myself there.

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Lost!] #2435744
03/05/14 04:12 PM
03/05/14 04:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 534
Malaysia
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planet Offline
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You are evading lots of difficult questions.


M35 XW34
D5 D4
M 6years T 10years
Bomb 5/2013
Joint Petition signed 6/2013
Moved out end of 8/2013
Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013
D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: planet] #2435749
03/05/14 04:17 PM
03/05/14 04:17 PM
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unbidden Offline
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Lost!, stop being defensive or making excuses and look within. You won't likely save your marriage unless you do.

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Mach1] #2435750
03/05/14 04:19 PM
03/05/14 04:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
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Lost! Offline OP
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I'm referring to w and not my daughter. Very difficult not to mention w and OM when I and w have a daughter together. My daughter is not old enough to pick up the phone on her own, so I've to go through w to speak to my daughter. W name will always come up with this arrangement. Regarding OM, he's not a factor, but nevertheless OM calling woman hoes and throwing jab at me because of what my w allow him to do to her doesn't sit well with me. I've a young daughter for God sake. I don't want any boy that disrespect woman around my daughter. Any decent man will not allow that.

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: unbidden] #2435751
03/05/14 04:25 PM
03/05/14 04:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline OP
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Lost!  Offline OP
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I'm honestly doing that. I'm just a little frustrated this morning. I know I need to relax and take a deep breath now.

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Lost!] #2435753
03/05/14 04:26 PM
03/05/14 04:26 PM
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Mach1 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Lost!
I'm referring to w and not my daughter. Very difficult not to mention w and OM when I and w have a daughter together. My daughter is not old enough to pick up the phone on her own, so I've to go through w to speak to my daughter. W name will always come up with this arrangement. Regarding OM, he's not a factor, but nevertheless OM calling woman hoes and throwing jab at me because of what my w allow him to do to her doesn't sit well with me. I've a young daughter for God sake. I don't want any boy that disrespect woman around my daughter. Any decent man will not allow that.


Once again...

You are allowing another person to dictate YOUR actions and words...

Nobody is doing anything TO you...

Who are you really angry at ??

Your wife and her OM for this ???

Or at yourself, for not being around more ???

Cause that one...is on you.

You can either choose to let this propel you toward making better decisions...

Or you can let it pull you under, and live in a world of anger...

You get to choose that...

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Mach1] #2435762
03/05/14 04:37 PM
03/05/14 04:37 PM
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Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice. I'm doing everything possible to get myself back up. I did not think about the affair or worry about them in the past week and half. I got mad last night thinking about the crap he wrote. I need to stop now and continue to live for my daughter. I appreciate your advice.

Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: Lost!] #2435775
03/05/14 05:04 PM
03/05/14 05:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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IMHO, this whole process has phases. Ones we cant rush, but we need to be mindful of. So that when the time is right, we look at them.

Someone said to me here, picture what the best version of myself really looks like. Then start making changes to get there. I thought I knew what this meant. I pictured a couple topical changes. As time has gone on, I have kept that in mind, and realized there are others, deeper ones. I could not see them before, maybe because I was not ready to.

Some of these changes now, I see, were I believe contributing factors to where things are now. There was a shift. From this being about her and what she has done, to me, and what my part was. That was hard to see, and I think it took time. I don't think I could have seen it any sooner than I was ready to. It was more than just focusing on me, and moving on. It was about who is the perfect me. I think I had to go through it this way. Keeping busy, GAL, and through that I started to see more.

Quote:
I thought she was my rock.


I have said just that, and felt it! AND there is a sense of terrible loss. But, now, I am making myself my rock. I can get through this. I can be better. Who is the perfect you? Am I the perfect me, no, was I? No. Will I ever be? I don't know. But I have an opportunity, to recreate myself, right now. Not that easy, but a focus.

I think a couple key things, that keeping in mind, has been helping me, and might help are:

Who am I? Who would I like to be? (I thought I knew, I had a plan, but I can make a better one)

W says something, and right now, they are just words. She may believe them, but leave it as that. Your focus is you.

Did you have a part in things getting here? Don't answer that, but think about it. What could that be?

IHMO, I think it is ok to post things she says and does, as long as you leave it here. Don't carry it. Because how does it benefit you to carry it?

Time, I wanted and sometimes still do want a quick fix. It is very very hard. Times, its like a weight pushing down on your shoulders. There is a whole lot of great insight here. What is interesting to me, is that I thought I knew what a lot of it meant, and over time, have seen that what I thought I understood, later, I understood differently or so another meaning of it. Like the perfect me.

Its a long road, probably the longest. At least that I have ever seen. You cant run it, I don't think there are any short cuts. But by enduring, and inner strength, and patience, we take step after step.

Not to show my geek side, or be too much of a yoda, but be mindful of your feelings. Sometimes we need to feel anger, sadness and to acknowledge what this is like. But don't linger there. When you start to feel that way, make a point to be aware of those feeling.

What can you do about any of this right this moment? What does a feeling you have do to benefit you right this moment? Who is in charge of your life? Who has the power?

For me acceptance, is a hard thing. Lot of emotions tied to all of this. The serenity prayer goes through my mind all the time these days.

Everyone here, is rooting for you! Remember to breathe it out. Sorry for the long post, kept thinking of things.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: Won't stop affair. Wants divorce now. [Re: D2ndday] #2435794
03/05/14 05:53 PM
03/05/14 05:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
CT/USA
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ericmsant2 Offline
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Lost

For what it is worth....the only thing that you should be focused on right now is YOUR daughter. She is 4, the more time she spends away from you, the more time she will not have with dad.

I think I know you pretty well. I think you are still as Mach mentioned focused on your W and OM. I understand it but it needs to stop. F*ck the car, f*ck the house, protect yourself as best you can and then go get YOUR daughter. Serious man, F*ck the green card, F*ck everything except how you can be a better dad.

I'm tired of reading about car, I know...it is a audi, I get it. A nice car - but F it!

Your D has spent 4 years aways from her Dad. It is about time that YOU change that. As I mentioned to you...what is your plan, how do you see this working, how do you plan to have your daughter in your life?

And yes, I know your w is moving soon.

BUT

I have to be honest.......I think you are waiting.

I think you really hope that when she moves....she will come back...

That when she moves she will change her MIND.

She may...she may not.

Who knows BUT do you really want to WAIT to see how this will impact your Daughter.

I'm starting to wonder IF, you are more concerned about your W (who by the way I know if very attractive) and less about your daughter.

FTR, I get finances, I know you are not working right now.

Me? I would drive my as* down to where ex lives, grab my daughter and say....she is gonna spend the next month with me since I am home doing nothing!

You know how to reach me

Peace,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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