Quote: Early in our marriage, she came on to me very strong once when she was drunk. It turned me off and I told her we would wait until she was sober. She then made a big show of masturbating -- and since then, she has never come on to me like that. Sometimes I wonder if my rejection of her started the whole cycle, injured her pride and embarassed her. There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then, and it's a stretch to think it would still have much of an effect.
I've not been to this section of the forum before & I know that I'm posting late but when i read this a light went on & i felt that i had to respond...
yes it could be that your wife is in fact hurting inside from that rejection years ago...
i'm unable to exercise in front of my husband because he laughed at me trying to do situps when we were 1st married... he didn't mean for it to be hurtful & in fact got down on the floor to show me how to do it properly but none the less "the little girl inside" was hurt & to this day i'm still unable to exercise in front of him
maybe you could ask your wife about the incidence & if she admits that it hurt her feelings then be sure to apologise, i know that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but it might have & an apology might help her to get past the hurt that she's been feeling all of this time
With our very long history together, there are probably numerous ways I could have unintentionally injured her psyche. I could keep on guessing forever. Maybe I should just ask her, "Have I ever done anything that still hurts you to this day?".
After she finishes writing out the 20-page list ( ) then I can proceed to apologize and promise to be more sensitive and caring. Anyway, we are overdue for another deep heart-to-heart discussion.
a heart to heart talk is always best... wish my hubby was able to speak freely... we'd not be in this mess if he could/would speak freely about problems that we have...
but yes let her vent if she needs to... simply hold her & let her talk... ask her questions if you think that she's not letting it all out...
another thought that came to mind but i didn't post a reply to... you mentioned that she'd gotten a little frisky on the night that you played bad cop & she was the good cop with the teens... teens take alot out of a mom & i know that i really apprecitaed when my hubby came home & would take over giving me a break from the teen BS... can you try to take over & handle the household a bit more when you get out of work? it could be that your wife is simply worn out from the teen soap opera that goes on durig the day while you are at work...
Quote: i'm unable to exercise in front of my husband because he laughed at me trying to do situps when we were 1st married...
I think we all have a story or two like that to tell. What we dont know, however, is just how others take things to heart sometimes. I learned a tiny bit about that today, regarding something in my sitch. It seemed like no big deal to me......but BOY was it for my gal ! I had bought my EXW a large painting several years ago and hung it over the fireplace. I loved it...and she left it here when she moved out because her mom had one just like it. Well.......18 months later my lady friend was here ( moved in with me in my home)...and asked to replace it with a Thomas Kinkaid painting of hers. I rejected that idea...because I liked it.....and for no other reason whatsoever. Today I took it down...because during an argument last week, she came out and told me that I left it up there because it once belonged to my EXW ! Geez ! I thought. That's NOT WHY !
So, all this time...( several months now) my LF had endured this pain and I never knew it. The damage was done...but she saw that I took it down without any more prompting from her...and it eased her pain a little. Now I wonder what ELSE I was insensitive about.
Just thought you might want to try and relate to that.
I would like to ad some thoughts to this discussion if no one minds. At the end of my marriage I was accused of verbally abusing my ex. He said I could "wound him with the most casual statement." At the time I thought it was stupid to admit that a "causal statement" had hurt him. I've since realized that what some feel are insignificant words can be very demoralizing to others.
I think we should always be very careful what we say and do but we can't walk on eggshells or watch our every action. The other person has to be willing to open their mouth and say they have been hurt by some action or word. For some reason my ex didn't feel safe telling me that what I had said was hurtful. The lady that posted about not exercising in front of her husband didn't feel safe telling him at the time that his joking was hurting her feelings and now, all these years later she has a problem engaging in that activity in his presence. That is so sad!
I have caught myself keeping hurtful things inside for fear the other person will think I am silly or will dismiss my reaction to what has happened.
BM,s picture episode is a good example of arguing over anything but the true problem. It wasn't about the picture at all but about the feelings she had over the fact that the picture was purchased for the ex wife. Who knows why she couldn't just come out and say that. Bottom line is, everyone involved needs to be able to speak up and listen. If my ex had told me that some sarcastic, harmless (I felt) remark that I made on a regular basis was hurtful to him I would have stopped. Instead he let it fester and become one of the reasons he felt he had to have a divorce. Ain't marriage grand! Cathy~
Quote: There has been a lot of research lately on the biology of sexual desire and how it relates to infidelity. There is evidence now that women have a biological trigger for infidelity. So when your wife loses all sexual interest in you, and then recovers her interest with another man, it might have nothing at all to do with how supportive or sensitive you were in the relationship. She might have just had her infidelity gene triggered. And since society does not allow her to cheat, she had to divorce first.
there's research on all kinds of things. sure knowing why is helpful, but we are more than just mere biological animals, we are complex human beings. there is research about affairs, mlc, alcholism, abuse and a whole lot of other unproductive types of self distructive behaviour...just because the research shows that we are on a basic animalistic level wired for such behaviour doesn't exuse it.
even the divorce busting book gives some reasons (without getting to psychological) why people have affairs live or via the internet, sexual or emotional. All the research is intended to do is find reason, it is not intended to excuse the "bad" behaviour. I could easily sit and say if I were to have an affair it would be justified as a biological need of mine isn't being met, but would my actions be justified? not really, they would simply be understandable. there is a cause and effect for all behaviour good and bad, that doesn't make it ok.
Quoting lostlove:just because the research shows that we are on a basic animalistic level wired for such behaviour doesn't exuse it.
What the research does for me is to absolve me of some of the guilt. Yes, I need to listen more and be eager to satisfy my wife's non-sexual needs. Yes, I sometimes poison her desire by getting frustrated and unhappy. But I also know that there are thoughtless cretins whose wives are crawling all over them for some physical intimacy. Why, why, why?? It's not that I'm a jerk, or unattractive, or a bad lover. There is a genetic and biological basis for sexual desire that we have little control over. And trying to apply logic and morals to it is almost hopeless.
) then I can proceed to apologize and promise to be more sensitive and caring. Anyway, we are overdue for another deep heart-to-heart discussion. 
