I'm travelling on business now with some time to kill, so I thought I would update my current situation after a month and a half.
Things are getting better and better, slowly but surely. My wife and I are becoming closer, and argue very rarely. We have been enjoying a more normal sex life (twice a week or so). I now classify myself as "hungry" as opposed to "starved". I dream some day of being over-fed, but hungry is a good state to be in most of the time.
One thing that has been really helping are the dates we are going on once a week or so. One time we just went to the book store to browse and drink coffee. Another time we had dinner at a quiet little place. We enjoy each other's company, and more often than not we come home and just go to sleep. But maybe the next night or so, we'll be intimate.
There was a bit of a breakthrough the other morning. My wife actually was feeling a bit adventurous and we played around a bit, instead of just following our normal recipe. We both really enjoyed it, so maybe she's starting to loosen up a bit from the old feelings of pressure and inadequacy.
Anyway, I just wanted to report that the love-light is still shining at our house.
Hmm. My 2 cents here. When we were dating the sex was great. When we moved in together it happend less. When we got married it became even less. When EX became pregnant it slowed to a crawl, maybe twice a month. When Son was born I was lucky to have it once a month.
She was so full of excuses. I'm tired. I have a head ache. I'm fat. I don't feel pretty.
I had three choices. 1. do without 2. have an affair, 3. convince her to change. Well I did the first choice and I regretted it. Any woman who puts her needs above everybody's is just downright selfish. I'm sure she could have said the same for me, but I wasn't forcing her to have sex, yet she was forcing me to do without.
I sees nothing wrong with breaking the vow, especially when the other already let it die. Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable for the rest of it.
Sex is a need for a man thats just as important as food and water. Sorry it's a biological need.
My Ex filed for the divorce , she wasn't happy, fell out of love etc. I was celebate with her for two years for no reason. I could have had it on the side instead of doing without. And still ended up here divorced. Heck she could of even approved of the affair as I would have been in a better mood, less argumentative and wouldn't of pestered her for sex.
I would have been happy, no estatic with twice a week.
The funny thing is that now my EX's sex drive has returned to normal. That's great for her and her boyfriend.
I know her sex problems were hormonal. The girlfriends I've had since the divorce think I'm a porn star or something. Let's say I had some built up energy to release. Yes I tried to passionate with my ex and "make love" not just have sex. She had a problem but refused to acknowledge it or seek help for it.
My advice go to your wife and tell her the three choices. Let her decide. You can't force her to have sex, but she shouldn't force you to do without either.
Finally,
I'd love to meet a married as you decribed. I've been divorced since April 2002 and am not ready for any type of relationship or commitment. Yeah, I've had girlfriends, but they wanted R, I didn't. So there.
Quoting Mulligan:I'd love to meet a married as you decribed. I've been divorced since April 2002 and am not ready for any type of relationship or commitment. Yeah, I've had girlfriends, but they wanted R, I didn't. So there.
For what it's worth, there are plenty of unmarried women out there who are eager for hot sex without commitment. You just need to be honest about what you are looking for, and you'll hook up with a like-minded woman. If you come on like you are Mr. Nice Guy, the only women you will find are those that want an LTR.
If I were you I would avoid dating women who are in a committed relationship, married or otherwise. In my situation, I put out a classified ad that said "I am married and I need sex". The single girls who were looking for no-strings fun just were not interested, so it was married women or nothing. But in your case, you are exactly what a lot of the single girls are looking for -- sexual release with no drama.
Then when you are ready to try again for a life partner, be very open and honest about who you are and what you need in a relationship. In other words, don't make yourself out to be someone you aren't just to seem more attractive. If you reveal your true self that will strike a chord with some woman, and you are much more likely to live together harmoniously.
Quote: For what it's worth, there are plenty of unmarried women out there who are eager for hot sex without commitment.
I'm having a real hard time finding them though. I'm a goodlooking guy. 31, 5'10" brown hair blue eyes, tan and I work out. Female friends say I'm attractive and a catch. My problem is that there is a shortage of single women in the 25-30 age range. Most women in this age range are already married, or are desperately trying to get married and have a child before they turn 30. You are correct, I may come across as two much of a "nice guy" though. But us nice guys get used for doormats all the time.
Women in the 21-25 age range I haven't had any luck. I've picked up some 21 yearolds but when the found out I was 31 it was see ya. The thought I was 25-27.
As for the 31-35 more women in this as range are becoming single as they divorce, but the few I've met have hangups about dating a younger man.
I was trying to go for the married woman or one in a relationship, because then the wall is up for both her and I. No relationship. The casual relationships I've been in the women just fall in love with me and want more. I just can't do that right now.
I've been D since 4-2-2002 and seperated since 11-1-2001, and I still am not completely over this crap. But I need female companionship. I haven't had the regular sex two nights a week since 1999!!
Before I was married, in my early twenties, I had a torrid sexual relationship with a 42-year-old woman. I told her straight out that the relationship would last no more than a year. She was cool with that, and treated me as her boy-toy. I was pretty broke at the time, and she was a reasonably wealthy single professional. I so much enjoyed being used.
By the way, there are a lot of on-line personal ad services that make the searching a whole lot easier than it was "back in the day". Good luck!!
Quote: I had three choices. 1. do without 2. have an affair, 3. convince her to change. Well I did the first choice and I regretted it. Any woman who puts her needs above everybody's is just downright selfish. I'm sure she could have said the same for me, but I wasn't forcing her to have sex, yet she was forcing me to do without. Sorry dude, you weren't issued the manual for this stuff, it is obvious you did the wrong thing. My 2 cents, your thinking influence her, and it just got worse.
Quote: Sorry dude, you weren't issued the manual for this stuff, it is obvious you did the wrong thing. My 2 cents, your thinking influence her, and it just got worse.
Hind sight is 20/20. Maybe an affair would have snapped my Ex back into reality. Maybe she would have realized that If there's no dinner at home then I'm going out to eat. Instead I starved to death. Ex probably realized that hey, we don't have sex anymore (her fault) and her and I don't ever go out and do anything together.(My fault due to her lack of sex) So why should I love this man and be married to him?
Quote: Hind sight is 20/20. Maybe an affair would have snapped my Ex back into reality. Maybe she would have realized that If there's no dinner at home then I'm going out to eat. Mulligan, I was not clear, she needs emotional intamacy sp. to want sex, the other thing, when babies come, female hormones will be out of whack for a couple of years.
So you need to change during these times, they will come out of it, unless the guy is not able to adapt.
That is why you see women here leaving their marriages when they have a 3 month old baby. The guy did not know how to handle the changes.
Quote: That is why you see women here leaving their marriages when they have a 3 month old baby. The guy did not know how to handle the changes.
Yep, I admit. I couldn't handle it. WAW lost interest afer becoming Pregnant. She droped the bomb after S turned one. Her hormones didn't return to normal till S was 1 1/2. We were divorced by then. Too late for me.
There has been a lot of research lately on the biology of sexual desire and how it relates to infidelity. There is evidence now that women have a biological trigger for infidelity. So when your wife loses all sexual interest in you, and then recovers her interest with another man, it might have nothing at all to do with how supportive or sensitive you were in the relationship. She might have just had her infidelity gene triggered. And since society does not allow her to cheat, she had to divorce first.
Some interesting reading for the scientifically inclined: "Promiscuity: An Evolutionary History of Sperm Competition" by T.R. Birkhead "Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People" by Barash and Lipton "Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray" by Helen Fisher
So quit beating yourself up, the answer to most of our questions about the mystery of female behavior can be found in the human genome. Yes, you should continue to work on your relationship, and emotions are a critical dimension to sexual behavior. But it's no surprise. Sex is about reproduction, so genetics plays a very big role.
