own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[makingmagic]

struggling a bit today.... inspite of trying to focus my energy on my work, cleaning, myself... it keeps going back "there".

This past week, R suddenly was placed on the table. Now that the weekend is here, I feel its been set aside and placed "beside" the table.

I know he has fears that need to be addressed. These are HIS fears, but he is keeping me at arms reach. Afraid to commit either way. How can I help ease the fear for him? I still want HIM to decide whats best for HIM, but maybe he's fearing that I am not doing enough to pursue him? or to ease his fears?

I feel like we are losing momentum...

[ericmsant2]

I know he has fears that need to be addressed. These are HIS fears, but he is keeping me at arms reach. Afraid to commit either way. How can I help ease the fear for him? I still want HIM to decide whats best for HIM, but maybe he's fearing that I am not doing enough to pursue him? or to ease his fears?

Maybe you need to be a bit more patient. Rome was not built in a day.

It seems to me, that you are still afraid to lose him. I suspect that it is going to take time for him to really reconnect. You may also have to take two step forward and one step back.

So what did you learn today?

I would think that you learned that being to pushy too soon did not yield the results that YOU wanted. So DB101 - time to try something different. Maybe give him a little more space. Maybe wait for him to text you.

What other ideas do YOU have?

[makingmagic]

Hi Eric.

Thanks for responding...

I don't think I have been too pushy. I would like to push, but am sitting on my hands. I know pushing is not good.

He did respond to my text last night. He responded with more work information. I replied "sounds like you are organized and productive" He replied "yup, feels good". I haven't replied since.

I am working on my patience. I agree he needs more time. I am still very afraid to lose him. He is a stubborn, "thinking" kind of person. He is not one to "jump" into anything sporadically. I just fear that if we don't keep the momentum going, it will be lost. I fear that he will feel I didn't "jump" at his attempts.

I also have read and WANT for HIM to work hard at getting me back. This is quite a challenge for me. To sit and allow him to make all the moves.

What did I learn? (not from today), but BEFORE ... I saw that when he extended an inch, I tried to take a mile. He fears that I will do that again... not sure how not to do that specifically. All I want is to "know" we are "working" on us. Then I can back off. Without his "committment" to that statement, is keeping us in limbo... He even admitted that to all of us (mediator, myself and himself). As for DB101, I have and am continuing to give space, and have not pursued anyting today. I do wait for him to text.

Not sure what else I can do....

[makingmagic]

and then... he texts. legit important work information, trying to organize tomorrow with me.

"hi, just wondering about our plans for AM, etc (goes into detail)...I guess our 7am appt is a big variable"

I text back immediately:

"hi, I could call 7am to confirm. DD has organized her equipment return but she will still need a ride downtown tomorrow"

H: "well, that helps :)"

Me: "ok, I just confirmed appt for tomorrow, client will call when close. How do you see the rest of the day?"

an hour or so later:

H: "well.. getting a last minute flight to mexico ..."

H: "or just winging it!!! Apparantly it will be a nice day to sell a vehicle"

I might just reply with:

M:

[makingmagic]

more:

a little while later he texts:

H: don't know what that means

M: its a smiley

H: O so I guess I did learn something today

M: O what did you learn today?

H: That the square box you sent is a smiley

M: Weird. I guess my phone doesnt translate it to yours as intended.

(a little time passes)

H: sends a photo of the convo, displaying a box inplace of my smiley face. comments: As we know... ask when in doubt...

M: good plan!!! Assuming is not knowing. resent photo of the convo displaying my smiley face.

H: yup...well put.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess there is meaning in there, that talking/speaking offers clarity while "assumptions" do not.

[makingmagic]

the next R convo started again last night. We were sitting in a vehicle keeping warm until our next client showed up. He started mentioning how he was going to continue to renovate as he feels he can't leave for at least a year or two (too much stuff/inventory) kicking around. I replied that I guess reconcilliation was off the table as that is not what the mediatior suggested (purchasing new). He agreed that he liked her idea, but didn't see how it could come to be as he is drowning in work at that house. I mentioned that there are ways, we just have to be open. This lead into further R talk. I listened. He mentioned how one of his good friends has read 10 relationship books, and he seems to like what his friend was talking about the other day. He would like to listen to him more. We discussed the mediator's father as a MC/IC, but he says he is likely too expensive (what a cheapo), but will still consider. He would like to talk to someone. He then started to talk about the value of our 20 year rel'p and the level of intimacy and says he values that more than he ever thought he would. We were then interrupted by a client call and then the client. After the client had left. I told him how frustrated I was that we keep getting interrupted by clients. That we don't make our R a priority and thats what happened to our R. I suggested we talk more, but he said he wanted to go pick up his dinner and go home. He ended up calling while we were both driving away, and furthered our R talk.

Again, I was listening and the R talk was going so nice. He was saying lots of things, admitting he loves me, etc. but is scared of reconcilliation. I tried to ask what would ease his fear, but it got sidetracked. Then I brought up "her", I asked if he was still in contact with her. He said yes, they have talked. I was stunned. I assumed that with reconcilliation discussion on the table, that he would not have her kicking around. He said that they are basically friends. That he told her that we went to mediation and that reconcilliation is on the table. She fears getting into more with him, because we have a long history. He says she is smarter than him. (WOW, didnt think there was anyone like that). That their beginning was NOTHING like ours (whirlwind, deep, passionate) nor was their a possibility to reach what we have/had. STILL, this bothers me. I then decided this was a boundary for me. Told him this is not good. There is no room for 3 people in reconciliation. So, I was taking it off the table. This really bugs me. I stated I will not be second choice either. That I deserve He cannot have his toe on both sides. I know that he is not deciding between me and her better. He is just really confused and scared. I told him I appreciated his honesty. It was like he was telling me/asking me for permission. That by Being up front, suddenly allows it..... it does NOT. Does it?

I did not say that^^^^^ as an ultimatum, I was calm and understanding the whole convo. I can understand his confliction about "our" relationship/issues. But, I just cannot have him on the fence, with OW as back up (not fair to her either), and this whole sitch sounds like he wants to be in limbo for the next 2 years.

He did mention again that the coffee/costco visits was him making an effort, calling it a "start". I dragged up how I get costco but she gets dinner/movie. Displaying that was not fair, that we haven't been to a movie in at least 10 years!

He mentioned he would prefer sitting on the couch with movie/pizza/beer with me. He values that more than movies. But, is too afraid to start.

We also discussed how breakfast the other day was very comforting for both of us, how we missed our family. He misses alot of stuff. I am glad to hear he had a nice time too.

I brought up how the mediator "saw" our intimacy. I was really surprised and that it has since made me think more. Realizing that if others could see it, he agrees and I agree... then that was worth looking deeper. He said he wonders if 50% or less have what we have (not even married people have what we have). He does not take this part lightly. I mentioned that if we do not look deep we could lose our 20 year rel'p/intimacy forever. Gone forever. And that is why I was considering. That is why I wear the "closed" sign, not interested in entertaining others.

I could tell he was not being receptive to talking anymore, (he was now home, and chicken dinner staring at him) but that he mentioned he had things to talk still, and I stated we needed to think. He has given me things to think about. That I hear him and as much as I want to pretend I didn't hear this stuff, I did. That I need to think. I left the convo stating "is the risk worth the reward"

He said "talk tomorrow, good night, M"

~~~~~~~

Im just really skeptical now... it sounds like he is ok not knowing for himself. That he is not in a hurry, although he does want to figure it all out. Meanwhile, sounds like coffee/costco is safe for him and that it will be a very long time before he will "commit" to "working on it, officially".

[makingmagic]

Bond... you are the "hardest" on me... I would really like to listen to what you have to say now. I am open to others to chime in as well.

more... we had agreed that we would talk further today, but to respect his agenda, I kept it short & he said we would talk later, as work was hanging over him. I reitereated that I am not forcing these talks, that if he wants to talk, then I will listen, but that he said some stuff yesterday that has made me "think".

I stated that I fully understand his confusion/pain. I pointed out that it seems that he is content in his confusion, as he doesn't seem to prioritize himself to figure things out. He said he is overwhelmed with work, house responsibilities, etc. that prevent him from focusing. but that he has reached out to his friend who has been spending his time focused on his issues (h is envious of the "time" his buddy has on his hands). I mentioned that even the mediator mentioned that he doesn't know how to relax. He cannot sit still for more than 20 mins. and that he avoids and buries himself into work. I was compassionate when I said this.

I got off the phone & texted back: "for the record, you are not alone. I too am working. Not just all caught up in my thoughts" He immediately texted back "ok :)"

It does sound like he wants to talk/listen/communicate and figure stuff out...it does! BUT... his time schedule does not permit it and he is too exhausted at the end of the day to revisit it... he just wants to ignore, drink his beer, go to bed. At this rate... we will be NO further ahead than we are now if we go at this pace.

I think I will also send this text as a thought (dont want to "say" it, but feeling a "text" would be somehting he could re-read: (read somewhere, altered to suit)

"my dilemma: I want this pain that I/we are feeling to have redemptive purpose in my/our life. I want it to really mean something. Pain not transformed is transferred. It would surely lay seed to resentment (if we did not do our very best here)"

[makingmagic]

Bond? Job? KenF? Advina? Sandi? GM23? Portia? LoisB? 2ndTime?... and anyone I may have forgotten (sorry)... a little communication?

From Bond (prev. thread): I'm glad your interactions were positive, however I don't see that anything has changed. To be honest, since we weren't there, we don't know how much of the conversation you tried to control.

as per Bond, in previous thread: "I know you say he mentioned things like C, etc. But what did he say he would DO from here on out?

I have a feeling that you're repeating the same pattern as before where you THINK he's going to make all these changes but will be disappointed and say you were "tricked" if he doesn't.

Just a little cautious because this seems to have been a pattern in the past."

.... Yes, it has been a pattern of the past, however NOW it seems completely different. I listen to what he is saying and how HE WANTS to seek for help. I heard HE will DO, something (seek friend help and/or IC) I HEAR this! I also HEARD that his coffee/costco attempts with me is his way to start something. He said this again last night. He says things like he wants to review what his motivation is for reconcilliation.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I really would like to have some communication, either advice, suggestions, ideas, thoughts on any part of my sitch. As each poster has their opinion, I would really like to "hear" what you all have to say (knowing that I may ask questions back or answer back, feeling that my answer may change your opinion/advice).

Thank you, Magic

[mj0221]

I'll give it a go Magic.
First, I don't post much and definitely not recently but wanted to say what I see in your postings ( this coming from someone who has only followed your thread, never posted to you.)

I see desperation oozing from your every post. It's getting worse as time goes by and from what you are writing that you are saying to your SO you are trying to get him to "see" this reconciliation thing on your terms = controlling.....just my opinion. From what I have learned this goes against every divorce busting we have all been taught.

I THINK many people have given you so much great advice you haven't followed that they don't have anything more to add and possibly don't want to be questioned on. I see a lot of twisting in your words. You make it sound like you don't come across as caring what he does yet you are completely obsessed and desperate.

I will be honest, you took what the mediator said and ran with it. A mediator though from my understanding, is not a counsellor. You are trying to force things too much with him.

He knows how good he's got it with you as far as a business aspect. Do you think he is going to take a chance on risking losing your help on that end? Possibly look at why he won't commit to the relationship. Is it his issues, is it yours, is he afraid telling you it's completely done and over for fear you won't help anymore with the business?

With him not committing to anything ( business split, house split, relationship, counseling, etc) I would certainly be taking a second look at my future.

I think you should take some time AWAY from him, vacation etc for a few weeks. Not talk to him and see how it goes.

[Roberta]

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