So, What about Bob?

[woody112]

One of the things I’ve learned over the past 6 months of DB’ing is that my instincts are very much controlled by my ego. In the beginning of my mess I was so sure my W was heading down the road to a PA that it drove me to the point where I did some really stupid stuff. With the help of the good people here I was able to stop focusing on her and the alleged OM, and really start focusing on fixing me. Since that time I’ve come to know that I was so wrong about her. She is the most amazing woman, the most incredible mom, and the most loyal friend I know.

That being said, I just want to get some insight on something that happened over the weekend.

Around 8pm on Saturday night, the two of us were playing Scrabble together by the fireplace. She gets a text on her phone that makes her chuckle. She explains that it was “Bob” from work, asking if anyone has ever told her she looks like Jennifer Aniston. He was down in Florida with his W and 3 kids, watching a Friends marathon… I know about Bob. She has shared with me their conversations, and I don’t think she’s hiding anything. Anyway, my response to her was “Why is a married man texting you on a Saturday night?” This put her off and she said maybe she shouldn’t share this stuff with me if I’m gonna get all weird about it…
So, is it me and my ego that has me uneasy about this, or is this something that I need to have more open discussion about? I really do trust her.

[labug]

You can tell her how you feel.

Do you ever tell her she looks like JA?

[woody112]

As beautiful as I think my W is, she is no JA. She tells me she hears the JA comments all the time, and I acknowledge the likeness. I tell her how beautiful she is all the time.

I don't know if telling her I feel is such a good idea. I'm not even sure how I feel anyway. I guess what really bothers me is that she has held me accountable for acting like a jacka$$ all these years, and everyone else gets a free pass. Bob was one of the pastors (music) at our church a year or so ago. Bob got caught having an affair while his W was pregnant. The church helped Bob with counseling and such to get his life back on track and save his marriage. A few months ago the church allowed him back in a minor role. Bob recently got a job in another department where my W works. I guess they're friends now.

My W is really sharp-minded, but I think she's missing something here.

[Accuray]

That text from Bob was completely inappropriate. Your instinct was correct. I had a similar situation with a guy in town texting my W that was probably completely innocent and innocuous but it bothered me, so I called him and politely asked him not to send personal texts to W and that took care of it.

The bottom line is that if it bothers you it needs to be addressed. Check out Pat Love's website, go to the downloads section and download the "Office Spouse" document, you should probably review with W and agree on what's considered acceptable on that list between the two of you.

[Breakdown]

Yeah, I'm with Acc on this. That is out of bounds.

I recommend reading the document Acc referenced, and then discuss this issue afterwards.

It's a huge red flag to me that your W's suggestion for fixing the conflict was simply to hide these events from you.

[NTX_Dad]

Geesh, Bob really learned his lesson from his affair, didn't he? :-/ I wonder how his wife would feel if she knew that he was sending compliments via text on a Saturday night.

I imagine your W would not like it if the roles were reversed and you got a text compliment on a Saturday night from a floozy from your office.

The trick is how to discuss it without sending her into a defensive mode. As you said, you made many mistakes over the years and are walking on eggshells right now. The comment you made might have felt passive progressive to her. Hindsight is 20-20, it might have been better to not make any comments like you did and wait until the next morning and ask her nicely if you can get something off your chest, and bring it up then...? You know your sitch and W better than me.

Playing board games together sounds nice, you must be doing a lot of things right and are making great progress overall, congrats!

[labug]

It's difficult "in the moment" to come up with the correct things to say, especially when this is all new behavior. As NTX says, it might have been better to give it some distance and see what you were really feeling and then address it.

She went on the defensive it seems, with her comment. How can you discuss it with her without making it about her? (Because it really isn't)

I love the picture of the 2 of you playing scrabble by the fireplace.

[woody112]

Agreed, it is a tricky position for me because I do not want her to go on the defensive.

There is a bit of irony here that complicates my feelings. In the lowest point of my sitch, when I was absolutely certain I could not forgive her if she had an A, Bob's sitch was responsible for me softening. The weekend my W went away, and I thought she was with OM, I was at church when they announced that Bob and his W were reconciling. It really made me rethink my stance.

I didn't judge him then, but I have to wonder of this guy has really changed.

[woody112]

Btw, she beat beat me at Scrabble.

[labug]

It doesn't matter if he's changed, it only matters that you have.