She left - My Story, First Post

[HopefulStill]

Go,

Yours is a common story. Husband and wife allow their lives to become so filled up by other commitments, instead of each other, that one (or both) falls out of love with the other. Usually they exist like this for a bit, until someone else comes along. That someone makes time for for the lonely spouse. Makes them feel important, special, attractive. It's at this point that the lonely spouse begins to see what their marriage is lacking- passion, attention, care, conversation....History gets re-written- "I was never in love with my spouse", "I've been unhappy for a long time", "I'm broken inside".....

I'm going to bet that your wife has someone special in her life. It may not be a PA, but it's an EA. It won't take much digging on your part to find out, and I suggest that you do, it will help to know what you're up against. I think that you already realize that with your current schedules your marriage is doomed. The two of you must have lots of alone time together each week in order to maintain a loving marriage. Right now you cannot control your Ws schedule, but you can control yours. I suggest you start finding free time for yourself and your sons, time that you will eventually have to share with your wife if she comes back to you. She must see that there are concrete changes that you are making in order for her to have hope that you can remain a couple.

I would avoid the LRT right now- that's essentially what got you here. You have to be accessible without being clingy and pursuing. She has to be able to see your changes and she won't be able to do that if you go dark. There may be a time to go LRT, but this isn't the time.

Keep us updated.

Hs

[gogofo]

The W has had an EA with a coworker who was interested in her doctoral work. She felt listened too and made her feel important. I think it may have ended, but not positive about it. I can see now how that would change how she felt in the M.

What has conflicted me is if I should use LRT or not. LRT just doesn't seem to fit to well.

One of my 180s needs to be increased communication and support for the W. Could this also be seen as pursuing?

I am working through a lot of my issues. Some are gone completely because of work changes.

Called her last night and told her a book she needs has not shown up yet and also that I was going to personally tell my grandparents our sitch. Don't know how she felt but they needed to know.

Initially we both agreed that we did not want them to know because they are in their 80s and seem fragile. The more I thought about it I wanted to tell them myself instead of hearing rumor.

Any suggestions about reading the book she read on ending a M?

[HopefulStill]

Go,

Well, what your wife is saying is script for those in an A. I would guess that there is still contact, and that she's looking to explore that R further. You need to give her hope that you are an alternative to this other person. That you can provide for her emotional needs better than he can. I would not go LRT right now. Do whatever you can to address her complaints, and find time in your schedule so that she can see that you would have time for her. As the father of her children you have the inside track.

Do not tell her of your intended changes- just make them. Know that she may rebel against your changes, telling you that she thinks it's a ploy and that it won't work. Simply validate and let her know that you understand why she would feel that way, but your making changes in your life that are for you and are long overdue. Don't get sucked into an argument with her about it. As hard as it is, stay positive and strong around her. Likely she's feeling conflicted inside (despite what she says) and will see you in a different light if you can keep your changes going. It takes a LONG time, so be patient!

Hs

[FlyOnTheWall]

I know this is hard, but it gets easier, you CANNOT focus on what she's doing right now. It doesn't matter what she's reading or doing or saying, etc. Its ALL about what you must do, and it sounds like you def. have some work ahead of you.

If you can become the man only a fool would leave, then those books wont matter in the long run.

When it comes to family, I'd recommend prob not saying anything to anyone really. If someone does have something they want to question. A good safe answer is always "We're working on some things" end of discussion. No matter what you say or how you say it, it never comes back around the way you meant it. So play it safe. Do you have a friend that you can confide in? or ONE family member, a brother or sister you can trust go keep it all to themselves? There can be no maybe's here. You have to be sure.

[FlyOnTheWall]

You can increase communication, just not about any R talk. The kids, the bills, schedules, school, dinner ideas.

Make a family night out with kids, make it a routine, ask wife if she' like to join you or more like she's welcome to com, but never show anger or frustration if she doesn't.

[gogofo]

We grew up and live in a small community so rumors travel fast, that is why I told my grandparents and some family members. I do not disclose every detail, just the main facts of living apart.

Any friend that I could possibly trust would be either a mutual friend or their wife or girlfriend is friends with my wife.

I am working on GAL. Doing dinners and stuff with friends.

Decided to open up communication last night with a couple of text messages about kids and the weather and asking about her classes. She expressed that her class load was "hell" and she has "TONS of work".

I replied with saying "Being under pressure and having a lot of work is difficult but you are good at getting things taken care of, I know you can do it". I didn't want it to seem like pursuing, but wanted to show her emotional support and that I believe in her.

I didn't get a reply, but I didn't panic. She has not heard words of support from me for a while so I am sure it seemed disingenuous.

Good point about not reading the book, makes no difference how I feel about the M.

[gogofo]

We must have been really stressed, overworked, and tired because I keep hearing from the close friends and family that I have disclosed the situation to that they were "worried for us" or wondered "how long we could last at our pace". We are both really goal driven, but now know that my goal needs to be family and M, not just work.

I need to work on my conversational skills, but with baby steps and patience my goal is to increase discussions about what she has going on in her life. I keep reminding myself that patience will bring this about.

I constantly asked about her day and school over the last 6 months, but my stress killed my ability to listen and I was in problem solving mode (damn engineering school). A big 180 of mine is listening with the heart and emotion,not trying to problem solve, and STFU.

[HopefulStill]

Go,

I think that you know now that if you want a happy marriage, then you have to find a position where you can spend lots of time each week with your wife - alone. Burning the candle at both ends is a recipe for marital disaster. I have friends and aquatintances that spent too much time at work trying to get ahead, or all of their free time taking their kids to sports and other activities. They thought that it was the right thing to do, even bragged about it. Unfortunately, each one of those I mentioned went through finding out that their spouse was cheating on them. Of those that stayed together, they had to make drastic changes (new jobs, less hours, moving, reducing kid's sports) in order for their marriages to survive.

Jobs, kids, church groups, clubs, friends, YOU NAME IT, will all eat up every last ounce of your time if you allow them to. Learn to say "no" .

Hs

[3boymom]

GO- I am so glad that you found this board. You will get lots of great advice. My sitch is exactly the same. My H worked 24/7, I worked full time and have a billable hour requirement, 3 little kids. We were going nonstop and it caught up to us big time. We started to regret things about one another and then stopped supporting each other completely because there was not enough time in the day. H started an EA with a co-worked who made him feel needed and appreciated. So I know exactly where you are coming from. I helped me to know that I was not alone and that other people have heard about the exact same script from their WAS.

When my H left, he was mean and angry. While he claimed that he wanted my support (his reason for the A), he clearly did not want it after BD. I am sure that he thought it was a little too late. So I completely backed off. I have let my H drive the communication. It has worked to get us back to more neutral ground.

Keep writing about your journey.

[gogofo]

3boyz
Thanks for the support, it does help to know that I am not alone in my struggle. I think the W and I are on a good neutral ground that I hope expands. I keep hoping that things will settle down and we can talk, but with her still pursuing the doctorate she has little time.

I want so bad to have the chance to perform in the R with my new found goals and practice new R skills that it hurts. Every day there are things that I can find that remind me of something we shared together.

I am confused about what to do about Valentine's Day. She flat out told me a couple of weeks ago that she did not want to do V-day or her birthday on the 25th. I think what she meant was that she did not want presents or grand gestures. I keep thinking that if I was emotionally absent that I need to show support on these days.

My idea is to write her a letter explaining how proud of her I am and how wonderful she is, all the while trying to not use the word "love" because I think it would be detrimental to say "love". Is this a good idea? In my mind I think it is.

I am currently out of town, but have been trying to keep communication open with text messages. Contact and talking feels good, even if it is about kids, weather, etc.