I am 33 years old and so is my wife, we have two sons one is 4 and the other is 2. We have been together for 9 years, living together for 8.5 years, and married for 6 years.
Wife announced she was thinking about separation at the beginning of December 2013, then moved out 12/28/13. It was a big surprise for me as I thought we were doing good. She is living in a house that her parents keep that was vacant.
We take turns with the kids and juggle them around our schedule.
I think we have worked each other apart.
In the last 6 months she started a Doctoral program, took on additional high stress duties along with her regular teaching, and serves on many boards at the college and is the Faculty Senate President. High stress and busy to say the least.
In the last 6 months I have been managing a multi-million construction project that has been high stress and long hours an at times I had to leave at the drop of a hat and travel out of state 5 hours away for days or a week at a time. This along with managing my other clients and workers that normally take up most of my work week. I was basically on call and working nights and weekends without any previous notice. Again, high stress.
She said her breaking point was Thanksgiving weekend when I was trying to be home with the family, but was visually miserable and emotionally absent because of the overwhelming stress and work. She told me to go to work if I needed and she said when I closed the door "something broke inside me."
At this point in our lives we were so scheduled and committed that a normal day would be as follows: I would work 7 to 4, pick up kids, cook dinner, eat with wife and kids, put them to bed at 8, leave for my office and work until 10 or 12 at night. Other days she would get the kids, cook, we would eat dinner, she would leave after bed time and work until late.
We basically did not have time to be together and maintain our relationship and she felt alone and abandoned by me emotionally during this time. After 4 to 6 months of this is when she broke.
I have been reading DR and just started the LRT. I was reading other books and applying relationship techniques when we would interact, but now know that we needed to be together for them to work.
Last Sunday I asked to take her to lunch on Wednesday and dinner Friday. Big mistake and after starting reading DR I know why. At the end of the heated talk/fight she basically said she wants a divorce but is waiting for me to work through my emotions.
She has her "revisionist history" of our relationship and says it was bad for 5 years. We were good in our relationship in late April early May and I think our last six months destroyed us.
We never worked on our relationship, never thought we needed to as we got along very well. But as our lives changed we didn't adapt our relationship skills and the separation is the result.
Kind of a long rambling story, but wanted to explain a lot of the back story.
I need help with LRT and how to work through our small interactions. We had been having dinner as a family on Sundays, but that may have been killed last week.
Thanks.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
On Sunday W came over to get the kids and we had a very quiet exchange, not many things said, just talking to the kids and not to each other. Felt weird and defeating, but I was not going to initial conversation, read the 37 rules before she came over to keep strong.
We had a melt down last Sunday when I asked to take her to lunch and on a date. This is what led me to DR, and now know it was the wrong thing to do.
Is small talk about her work day and classes something that I should be doing right now? I know that for the last 6 months this was something that was missing. Think this should be one of my 180s, but don't want it to seem like pursuing.
I also know W is getting interest from co-workers about her doctoral program, but I don't want to be replaced as her support structure.
Before we blew up last Sunday, we pretty much agreed on what the issues were on 90% to 95% of our M. The solution is where we differ, but I was pushing and pursuing and now know from the 37 rules not to take much stock in what she says.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
She also told me two weeks into it that she was reading books and she liked "Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours" by Daphne Rose Kingma. She thought I should read it.
She also said during early discussions that she read a lot about when M are over. I know she has done research into validating her feelings about the M, just like I am with DR.
Should I read the book she said she liked? I know it will be rough to read because it goes against my feelings, but it may give me insight into what she has been reading to validate how she feels.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
You sound like you understand some of the dynamics that got your marriage where it is. Now for some things you need to take into consideration. As of right now, your marriage is dead, but that doesn't mean you cant build a new/stronger one. Its going to take time, and its going to take a lot of work.
When your wife pulled the trigger, you have to understand she didn't come lightly to her decision. She'd been thinking this LONG before she actually said something to you. On the day she told you (BD day) she detached from you and the marriage.
Not that it matters, but do you think there might be someone else? What you need to do right now is just give her plenty of time and space. Your going to be using that time, as a gift. To address the issues that she felt she could no longer count on your support.
Understand, your not out there to tell her your working on these things. Your doing it cause you know you need to make them. Your going to be the best damn father/husband you can be right now. You are going to become the man only a fool would leave. This isn't going to happen overnight, and she's going to think your going about this to win her back, not trust your efforts. She will need to see long consistent effort, and I mean LONG, before she might be willing to believe them.
Understand that you probably have a year or two of work ahead of you. It needs to become part of your lifestyle, not an effort to win her back. Do you understand that first sentence? You are going to have to learn to be patient, this is something you probably don't have much of, if your job was a stress filled schedule tight area.
Your probably having some anxiety attacks, hardly sleeping or eating. So make sure your taking care of yourself, and get some exercise, even if its just doing some push ups/sit ups in the morning or evening.
Understand she might be all over the place for a while, try not to bring up and R (relationship talk), keep your conversations about finances and kids only. NO pressure. If she brings it up, its ok to LISTEN and validate her. Try not to interrupt, keep eye contact, and never interject your opinion right now. A good response(s) for now will be "I understand how you feel" and/or "That's something im working on"
Understand, the rewriting marital history is pretty common, its to help her justify leaving. So for now, your going to believe half of what she does, and none of what she says. Right now, your always going to be positive, state of mind is a big thing. You know to not act mopey or depressed around her, its not attractive, and actually works against you in many ways.
Focus, on the task at hand, fixing your half of the issues. Try not to mind read what she might be thinking, its probably wrong anyways. Just keep focused on what you can, your changes, and being a great father, cause theres nothing more attractive than a great dad!
Your probably on moderation right now, which means we wont see your posts for 2-5 days. So make sure your reading some other threads, giving out some support, and post until the moderation ends. Things will get easier with advice if you post updates, offer help/support to others, include as much detail as possible for better advice. We're here to help you save your marriage, and yourself.
Some of the vets might stop by, and offer advice, sometimes you might get a 2x4, know this isn't to be critical, its to best make you understand when you make a mistake, and you WILL make plenty of them. When you do, get refocused and right back to work.
Please include any more details, be as honest as you can in your assessment of things. Also I don't want you to be over-guilty. Meaning I don't want you taking all the blame onto yourself right now, don't try to be superman and try to fix it ALL, and certainly try to fix it all right now, its not happening. That damn patience thing is really going to test you like never before. Ok buddy, its time to get started. Hope to see some responses soon.
oh one last thing, only post in this thread in regards to your situation (sitch). When it reaches 100 posts, you can start another and link it back to this one. Its easier for people to follow when its easier to navigate thru and have the information in one spot.
