Jon, your W seems to keep repeating this pattern of getting all mushy and romantic on you and then just totally flying off the handle and declaring the M over and done with over seemingly minor incidences. I think Eric is offering you wide advice, you've got to step off the roller coaster and follow YOUR dreams and visions.
From the moment you started piecing I'm sure you'll remember that I and others told you it was too soon, that your W had not even begun her journey yet. All the suffering you're going through is a manifestation of her lack of progress on herself. You certainly could have validated your W at dinner, and that's definitely something you should work on. But even if you had, I don't think it would have taken long for your W to pitch a fit over something else. We've talked about how WAS's run hot and cold, but your W wrote the book on it. I think you need to go as dark as you can and plan on doing it indefinitely, your W is going to need some serious isolation from you to work things through.
Just catching up and I am very surprised that Wonka is about the only one who is encouraging Jon to realize his part in this. Yes, his W's comment was immature and inappropriate but I bet many of us have said ridiculous things when we were hurt. What I see in this story is what I have seen in most of Jon's posting - his W is always completely at fault and she is the only reason their M isn't progressing. I would have been completely hurt and felt unloved and unimportant if my H and I were supposed to be working on our M and, while out on a date (or at all), he told me he was taking the kids away to an island for a week. At the very least, it should have been a conversation, "I want to go away to xxx and I am not sure how we should handle this. Should we go as a family or do you think we need more time?" Then, to argue with her and point out everything she did wrong and wonder why she is crying? Not DBing at all.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Because Wonka is wrong in this case. To be fair, in 99% of his responses to me, he's been right.
Thanks for your comments, all.
I hope you're putting in context that W expressed her desire to move VERY slowly, and date maybe once a week until fall - so, by her own express statements there would be no way we'd be going on a vacation or doing anything romantic. I did make an assumption but what other assumption would you make than a statement like that?
Also, there is a level of "something" wrong - when W can't calculate in her own mind that the primary reason there haven't been nice vacations is because of her spending; almost literally without stopping. She also went on a nice cruise to the Bahamas with her mom last year - I wasn't invited, and I didn't pout about not getting to do nice things.
I think there are two levels here: one involves pretty normal marital issues like W could be calmer, control her emotions, be more forgiving more quickly - I could be more sensitive, try to think more before I speak, maybe buy her flowers to make her feel special. To me, these are normal.
What's NOT normal is to react to the news a dad is taking his kids on vacation (like he's done the last 12-13 years) with cursing, and F-bombs, and name calling, and storming out of a restaurant, and ending a marriage - THAT is a level that is just even beyond most WAS, in my mind.
And, I'm simply journaling to myself - DBing won't work on my W, but it has done wonders for me. Her ridiculous reactions are sort of a side-show now in my life.
I have a new job that is awesome, still GALing several times a week, getting closer with my kids, have gotten way ahead financially, paid off almost all debt except for my house, reconnected with extended family. I am calm, respond much more slowly and carefully (read some of my early posts!). I am more patient with my kids and really everyone.
I'm very happy, I don't flip back and forth, and I really am comfortable.
There's nothing wrong with mentioning a potential trip with the kids to a spouse while chit-chatting on a date. In fact, I'd EXPECT it to come up. If I went on a date with my XW I KNOW we'd talk about the kids, probably a good bit.
Sure, Jonf could've/should've validated better, but it very much appears - when looking at the overall body of work in Jonf's sitch - that his W has a lot of work to do on herself and probably needs to seek professional help. She doesn't appear to be well adjusted and in a mental and emotional state of mind to handle an adult, mature relationship.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
thanks AS/PM. The good news is that 4/14 her divorce will be final, and then I don't have to play this stupid game anymore. I will be proud that I maintained my dignity and resolve through cursing and demeaning of children, and insane reactions - where I maintained my calm, and smiled, and loved.
And I love my W. She is incredibly messed up emotionally, and I wonder if she'll ever find any healing, but I'm proud of myself for maintaining my love for her - because that's unconditional love.
If that actually happens, do you think you will maintain a relationship or friendship with her, or move on?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Hey JonF! Just thought I'd pop in to see you We all miss you in the place we're not about to talk about on here, but everyone sends their big (((hugs))) Take care and keep in touch :)Hope everything goes well on the 14th and it's not too emotional for you Keep smiling and remember..."clap your hands if you feel like a room without a roof!"
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Jon, Remember that each day is new and can be whatever you make of it. Hope the drama stops. Take care.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
@NTX - I've debated only about my step-kids; they really need me, and I feel like W may quickly bring someone else into their life, and they're going through so much with a custody fight, and W's erratic behavior.
However, any relationship I would have with them would be away from W. I barely see XW1, maybe text her once a week - and that's how it would be with W.
I'm not the type to hang onto crap too long, at least once I know it's time to hit the road.
Hey Jon, how are you doing these days? Good I hope!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
