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A Message from Michele
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Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2439715
03/21/14 12:27 AM
03/21/14 12:27 AM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
L
Lost! Offline
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Lost!  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
How're you man?

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2439727
03/21/14 01:59 AM
03/21/14 01:59 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Ny
Y
ye21 Offline
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ye21  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Ny
If she bd 3 months ago and you see her as an "addict" dont you think you are being impatient? ImHO just so you know hehehe.

I mean to save a M I dont think MIchelle specifies time on her books...but I guess if 3 months its "a lot" for you....then well there is nothing we can tell you...

As MrBond told me once and I ended agreeing 100% its a choice to wait or fill the D papers...if you are so ready then why are you asking for help?

This might take 3 months or 10 years...we dont know...and everybody chooses when enough its enough.... But sincerelly I dont think 3 months its time enough for nobody to realize nothing...unless of course you already made up your mind


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Re: I may have done too much [Re: ye21] #2439840
03/21/14 03:10 PM
03/21/14 03:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
Member
D2ndday  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
ye21, taken out of context, it may sound like I am throwing in the towel. I am not. When I wrote that I was looking at her in my mind. And all that has happened. Part of me still is hopeful she will show me some sign that she wants to work on this, salvation. So far she has not, and I remind myself not to sit around waiting for it.

I think my point with that part of my post was venting so that I could stop looking at her, and get my eyes back on me. Where she still live here, and I see her, I have to keep doing this. Because she is in my space. In the past I was her caretaker, stopping that has taken time. When she was bed ridden, from her illness, that was my life. So stopping that instinct to protect her, has taken time.

When I first came here, I had to learn there was no quick fix for this. No magic, do this, that, and its fixed type of thing. I get that. It is a marathon, but also a roller coaster of emotions. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I need to vent those thoughts. I've been doing it here. Seeing my words here, and typing them out, is a release.

I can tell you, as I said in that post, I will not be the one ending this. I wont be filing, I wont be putting the house on the market. I wont be pushing or enabling her through this. This is her journey. I can only do me.

1 day was a lot for me, so was 1month, 2months, and now 3. I find it hard to believe it is not a lot for anyone here. Am I done, no. I'm not quitting, and it was not my intention for my post to sound that way. I am venting stuff so I don't carry it with me. So I don't sit in those feelings of waiting for her.

Her living here is a constant reminder of what is happening. That's why I said earlier when she is not here, it is almost easier because I can more easily focus on helping myself.

That was a tough day when I posted that, it was interesting because the next day felt more like acceptance. I was focused. I was not waiting, I was doing. I have to accept that marriage is over, there is no going back. I have to learn from it. Maybe we can build a new marriage, but I was thinking I cant go back to the old one. I need to continue to look at what my part was and work on those things. I have to continue rebuilding myself.

Thinking of moving and all the fantasies of what I want to do, is and was hard to do because we were so intertwined. Untangling our lives, our dreams, and trying to find my life, my dreams. I am still learning to accept that she has made a choice and it is happening. I cant change that, but I can work on me. I can look at what options I have, and who I want to be. I can be the man only a fool would leave.

I HAVE been given the gift of time. I can work on me. I can fantasize on what I want, and decide what is real. 3 months and she has not filed, we have not put the house up, she does still live here.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2439864
03/21/14 04:55 PM
03/21/14 04:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
L
Lost! Offline
Member
Lost!  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
I'm happy for you man. Keep working on you and focusing your time on you. At the end, you be fine. You'll come out of this stronger and in a better place. Your marriage is done, you can only pray and hope for a new one, One with mutual respect, honesty, true love, compassion and dedication. Enjoy your weekend.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2440058
03/22/14 03:47 PM
03/22/14 03:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
Member
D2ndday  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
WOW, I am in a little shock today. As I have said, W and I had a miscarriage this past summer. When B dropped, I found out she was having a miscarriage from OM. NOW, today, I think she is pregnant again, or thinks she might be or is planning on it. I live here primarily so I know where things are and go. I couldn't help but notice as I was doing my bathroom prep, that the ovulation test package from this last summer had been moved in the cabinet. When I suspected affair, and pregnancy, I had noted how many tests where in the tin. Today I counted and 7 are missing. I had written it all down back then, and saw I had also counted the prenatal vitamins, 3 of those are missing.

I am just like in shock! I mean, wow. I don't even know what I think. I am flooded with internal questions. Is she pregnant? Are they trying? Is she going to have it? WTH? If they are going to have it, planning, did she just not want one with me? I mean I don't know what to think or feel. Like I said I am just in shock over it.

Now I just noticed this today, I will be checking tomorrow to see if those numbers change. But I guess it is just because this to me, changes things a bit or could. I don't know what to do or think, I mean this just happened, and I came here. I will digest this a bit I guess.

On a separate note, what had originally been on my mind, is vacation. I think I am going to take a trip. I don't see the above changing that or letting it. This trip may tap my account, but, I never would have gone to this place with her. I wont be broke after, it is just a pricey trip. 1000, is a lot to me, but ive always wanted to go to this place. my sisters there, and I have not seen her in years. Though we always talk.

I was reminded by my IC, what's the worse thing that can happen? It helped me realize that my worst fears, are not real. Fear of being broke and living on the street. She pointed out and its true I would never let that happen. So all that fear, is just an excuse to not live. That feeling like I need to save every dime, is keeping me from living my life. I am a traveler at heart, but instead I work at a desk. Maybe its time I lived a little. Treated myself, life is short.

What happens here, will happen.

Wow. Wonder what else today has in store.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2440067
03/22/14 05:04 PM
03/22/14 05:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Ny
Y
ye21 Offline
Member
ye21  Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 634
Ny
I am just like in shock! I mean, wow. I don't even know what I think. I am flooded with internal questions. Is she pregnant? Are they trying? Is she going to have it? WTH? If they are going to have it, planning, did she just not want one with me? I mean I don't know what to think or feel. Like I said I am just in shock over it.

Now I just noticed this today, I will be checking tomorrow to see if those numbers change. But I guess it is just because this to me, changes things a bit or could. I don't know what to do or think, I mean this just happened, and I came here. I will digest this a bit I guess.

Well you want us to answer your questions or even her to do it...the questions are inside of you.
This is a forum that doesnt believe in D...that doesnt mean give up who you are does it?

Me, myself I have clear my deal breakers...if my W goes ahead with D because she is happy with another man, if she is gonna have kids with another man...thise are some of my deal breakers, then there, there is no negotiation with me... I will move on and have with another partner what I didnt had with her...simple as that...its called self respect... I can love a person, that doesnt mean that because I love a person, that person its entitled to do with my feelings whatever they want...

When we dont have self respect its easy to fall in the game of "I accept everything they do because I love them"
Many people in abussive and very toxic R do that and take the beats because they believe they love their partner...

You have to ask yourself and not us of her if you want a relationship like that... And also you have to ask yourself if there is a Relationship at all...

If you accept all she is doing and its not a deal breaker for you then keep working on yourself and you might go back with her... But I think you are being in denial now and you dont want to see the reality "because you are affraid"

The reality...she is with another person, and she seems to be looking for a baby with that person...do you have proof that this is true? Imagine that its absolutelly true...do you want that person with you or even if ot hurts do you prefer to D?

If I was married to a compulsive cheater having kids all over the place I deserve and own to myself respect and I will not continue in that R...that answer comes from inside me...
There is a difference between MLC, WAS and a partner who just doesn't want to be with you...
Its your choice now and you are in total use of your right of getting D or not...I will check inside of me and leaving my fears behind I will respect myself and analize what I am able to deal with and what I just dont want in my life...


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2440101
03/22/14 07:46 PM
03/22/14 07:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
P
paul19510 Offline
Member
paul19510  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Originally Posted By: D2ndday
WOW, I am in a little shock today. As I have said, W and I had a miscarriage this past summer. When B dropped, I found out she was having a miscarriage from OM. NOW, today, I think she is pregnant again, or thinks she might be or is planning on it. I live here primarily so I know where things are and go. I couldn't help but notice as I was doing my bathroom prep, that the ovulation test package from this last summer had been moved in the cabinet. When I suspected affair, and pregnancy, I had noted how many tests where in the tin. Today I counted and 7 are missing. I had written it all down back then, and saw I had also counted the prenatal vitamins, 3 of those are missing.

I am just like in shock! I mean, wow. I don't even know what I think. I am flooded with internal questions. Is she pregnant? Are they trying? Is she going to have it? WTH? If they are going to have it, planning, did she just not want one with me? I mean I don't know what to think or feel. Like I said I am just in shock over it.

Now I just noticed this today, I will be checking tomorrow to see if those numbers change. But I guess it is just because this to me, changes things a bit or could. I don't know what to do or think, I mean this just happened, and I came here. I will digest this a bit I guess.

On a separate note, what had originally been on my mind, is vacation. I think I am going to take a trip. I don't see the above changing that or letting it. This trip may tap my account, but, I never would have gone to this place with her. I wont be broke after, it is just a pricey trip. 1000, is a lot to me, but ive always wanted to go to this place. my sisters there, and I have not seen her in years. Though we always talk.

I was reminded by my IC, what's the worse thing that can happen? It helped me realize that my worst fears, are not real. Fear of being broke and living on the street. She pointed out and its true I would never let that happen. So all that fear, is just an excuse to not live. That feeling like I need to save every dime, is keeping me from living my life. I am a traveler at heart, but instead I work at a desk. Maybe its time I lived a little. Treated myself, life is short.

What happens here, will happen.

Wow. Wonder what else today has in store.
if you want to stay M and have no problem with what you just said, then I guess that's what you should do.

It sounds like you are describing that your W is considering starting a family with someone else....Am I understanding you? To me that's not a M. At least not in our culture... The M you had is gone.

What are your personal goals and boundaries? What boundaries do you have to protect you from more hurt while W is having an A? Why are you allowing yourself to have a front row seat to this? How is staying where you are and watching this unfold going to help you live your life better and perhaps one day have a better R with someone (maybe your W...maybe someone else...)?

It like you're standing under a cliff with falling rocks and you're passively "wondering" if another rock might fall and crush you. This forum is not the "stay married at all costs and give myself up forum" I think some people interpret this place as NEVER D, NEVER stop DB'ing...but in her own work MWD says there are times when we've done all we can. Many of the issues she states about D are centered around couples with kids...

I'm not telling you should file for D or do something or not do something....but other than torturing yourself....what are you doing with this??

I don't mean to sound critical or judgmental. There comes a point where you have to say what you stand for. did you agree to an open marriage? If not. given the facts you stated above, how can you live a life that brings out the best in you? Why would that include standing by if she's actively pursuing starting a family with OM?


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
Re: I may have done too much [Re: paul19510] #2440102
03/22/14 07:49 PM
03/22/14 07:49 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
P
paul19510 Offline
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paul19510  Offline
Member
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
D2 I hope my words didn't come across as too harsh. please understand that is not my intention. But what are your goals with this? I can't imagine the pain what is happening, but I seems from your post like perhaps this is keeping you stuck. my 2 cents.


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
Re: I may have done too much [Re: paul19510] #2440112
03/22/14 09:03 PM
03/22/14 09:03 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 58
Tennessee
D
Duds3 Offline
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Duds3  Offline
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D
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 58
Tennessee
Not meaning to hijack page but I have a question for ye21. You say there is a difference between MLC, WAS and a partner that doesn't want to be with you. Can you expand on the difference? I'm more interested in difference between WAS and partner who doesn't want to be with you?


___________________________________________________________
M: 32 W: 26
M 7 months, T 4 years
M: 2nd M
W: 1st M
No kids

living separately 1/26/14
W files D 2/24/14
D final 4/28/14
Page 11 of 11 1 2 9 10 11

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