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A Message from Michele
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Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2434861
03/01/14 10:14 PM
03/01/14 10:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Lost!  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
All this break my heart man. Why do good people have to suffer for loving a woman. I'm with you man, I'm in the same situation so I feel your pain 100%. Just keep working on you and doing the best to keep everything positive around her. Keep up the good work! Don't allow her action to bother you. She's lust and living in a fantasy land. You can't change anything but to work on you right now. I'm leaning to do the same man. I know you miss her and want her more, I know it hurt not having your wife right now. But with time everything will be okay. Either with or without her. Keep up the the good work!

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2434879
03/02/14 01:25 AM
03/02/14 01:25 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 101
Los Angeles
L
Lostinpain Offline
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Lostinpain  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 101
Los Angeles
Hey some some of us are suffering for loving a man. smile It sounds like you're doing good on progress. It's so hard to completely ignore someone while you're in the same house as them, and I commend you on your continuing strength!


Me: 27 H: 26
T:4 M: 2
B: 6/2013
Divorce Filed: 2/4/2014 (Our anniversary)
D: 8-4-14
Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lostinpain] #2434881
03/02/14 01:48 AM
03/02/14 01:48 AM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Lost!  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
Lol! That made my day. I feel you on that though, we all deserve better.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lostinpain] #2434946
03/02/14 04:12 PM
03/02/14 04:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
Lostinpain, it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I know others here feel that way too. Thank you and thank you Lost! In a way we are all in this together! So we are not alone in this. WE know exactly what this feels like. Unlike those around us. All the feelings, all the struggle. There are moments where I just want to throw my hands up, it takes all I've got to suppress that and to give myself a few moments. If after those moments, I am still here, then I can keep going.

Had another moment of clarity on the lack of emotional health on the W's part. Last night when I got home, she was here. Asked how work was, and I asked her about hers. She then asked if I wanted to hear the lastest news. My heart stopped, was this it? Was she going to tell me some other horrible thing, had she filed, or found a buyer for the house, I had no idea. Sure, I said. She went on tell me that her brother just found out his GF was pregnant. Ok, by itself that might not seem that bad. But to me, after the miscarriage this past summer. After her sister got pregnant about the same time or soon thereafter. I did not want to hear this, and did not know a good way to respond.

I had many snide comments I wanted to make. Now both her siblings are having kids. Something we had wanted at the time, or so I thought. I don't want to hear about how your brother is succeeding where we failed. I don't really want to talk about the topic of kids, pregnancy, or any of that. I still want to be a dad, and now, I don't know when or if that will happen. SO I don't want to hear about it. It just seemed like a really inappropriate thing to tell me. I didn't need to know. I would not have found out otherwise for months at least. With all that's going on, if I were in here shoes, it seems like that is something you did not need to tell me. It just kind of hurt.

All I did say was, wow, crazy, and then went on my way to take the dogs out.

I read a quote, its not over until you decide it is. I try to believe this. BD was early Jan. The A started in Dec. I've made it this far. Taking an inventory, I am feeling less pain than I did back in Jan/Feb. It still hurts, a lot, but not as bad as it did. I guess I am feeling more moments of peace. Trying to keep my head down and keep on. As I am sure we all are. In this uncharted land. Taking one step, and then another. Not looking down the road, at what could happen. not yet.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2435802
03/05/14 06:06 PM
03/05/14 06:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
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D2ndday  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
I sit here before I start today to check in. Life has been different? I am still here. Thinking about stopping IC, feel like it has served a purpose. I just dropped from weekly to bi weekly, we will see how it goes.

Started a new workout routine. This is good for me because it does a few things. It regulates my eating, because I have to plan my meals, calories and such. So it make me eat, regularly, and healthy, not just instant stuff. I feel better health wise. It has give me a way to physically vent my emotions. I am trying to gain muscle mass, because I have wanted to bulk up for while. So that's all good.

Keeping busy at work, taken on a big project which is keeping me busy. Had to put going back to school on the back burner for now. Just not feeling ready to make a long term commitment like that yet. Still want to do it, just not yet. Too many things up in the air.

I love nature, and as cold as it is here, which I don't like, I am making myself go out into it. Taking my dogs to the park a few times a week. Gets me out into nature and playing with them. Good for both of us I guess.

Have been really working on not planning or stressing about the future. I know this was not only hurting me, it has been a behavior that I believe played a role in where I am now. I would look around at people going out and playing all the time, and thought how irresponsible they are. Meanwhile I was planning and keeping a strict structure and regiment, which was comfortable. Now I am seeing I have missed out on things, and that comfort does not always equal happiness.

One thing that I am now pondering, fantasizing about is that I have never really like it here, where I live. I don't wake up and look out and think, its beautiful. I don't love my job, its secure, and its a bad time to be out of work. But I don't like what I do, I done feel good after along days work. I am good at it, but I have no passion for it. So the fantasy is, what would I be doing and where. I know we all have days where we don't want to go to work, and I know there are ugly days no matter where you live. But I know people, who genuinely overall, love where they live, and love what they do. I also don't connect with people here, because we are different. I find that I miss the west. Personalities, hobbies, interest are just different here. SO, been thinking about that. Not planning, just imagining what that might look like and where. Not going to make any choices yet, but being mindful that its a big world.

Staying in the present, changing my routine, letting go of control. Things that I am scared of, and give me comfort. It is hard, I keep reminding myself. Its ok, I don't need to plan right this moment, I don't need to feel in control. I need to be aware, but I don't have to control it. What I feel, I need to acknowledge. That has been hard, but it is not feeling as bad or scary as I built it up to be.

What will happen tomorrow, I don't know, I guess Ill see when I get there. Something TipAnna said to me, about my fear of taking a vacation and what if W brought the OM to my home, comes to mind. Ill deal with that when/if it happens, but not to let it control what I do. I guess I am trying to incorporate that into my day to day life.

Two quotes for today:

The serenity prayer and this:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it is called the present. To be honest I think I heard it first from Kung Fu Panda, but I know that's not where it originated and it is true.

I need to find my peace, inside. To do that I need to be mindful of the moment, the present.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2436639
03/08/14 05:01 PM
03/08/14 05:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
Member
D2ndday  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
So its been a few days alone. Which has been ok. I have stayed pretty well focused on me. W came home last night, was in bed when I got home. Was here when I got up. Which was a little weird since so far, she has been staying here when she has to open.

When I saw her, she asked how I was, I said good, and asked her the same, and she said good. All very matter affect. Neither of us was like GOOD! But anyway, we had small talk, how her tattoo appointment went, we have the same artist, so we talked about the artist. Blah, blah, blah. The point, and part of the reason I am posting this is what she asked next.

We were outside smoking, she had come out and joined me. I asked her if she has gotten all her stuff for taxes to be filed. She said she had just gotten it all and that maybe tonight she would work on it. After a few minutes she asked if I had given any thought about our home,(like if I had thought about whether to sell or take it over, though she didn't say these words). I replied, "not really, but the insurance company for the house had called about renewing/reviewing our policy for renewal." She asked if it was nationwide, I said it was. She asked what the whole message was and I told her.

That was basically it, we were silent for a few minutes, she said she had to head in, as she was on the closing shift. and opened tomorrow. Again, I wondered why she stayed her last night.

The part I wonder about and was not sure what to say or do was, I kept myself from asking her in reply if she had given it any thought about the house. I guess, I didn't want to encourage that conversation, since I knew it would lead to me saying what I thought would be next to be done. I am trying not to help with that. This is what she wants, so she can talk about it. On the flip side, I am a little nervous that she will just tell me one day that we have a realtor coming, or that she wants to sign the house over, or something that might blindside me. Where I am trying to not plan, where I am trying to stay in the moment, this scares me a little. As I have been the planner, in my own life. This is why, I don't like to be blindsided.

I think I did the right thing by not asking in return if she had thoughts about it. I felt awkward, since I normally would ask her opinion. Why did she ask? That has been in my mind. Maybe because she is anxious to get out, or maybe because she is feeling me out. Like for the same reasons, to see if I am planning. Who knows.

And why did she stay here last night, she didn't have to go in this AM, so it wasn't for work convince. Then to ask these questions, I don't know. It just kind of took me off balance.

What have I been doing? I have been thinking about what I want to do. I have been for the last few days. Do I want to stay here, like this city, or do I want to go start over somewhere. Do I want the house? I have these thoughts, because I feel like I am becoming more and more distant from her. Those initial feelings of knowing we could try to work things out, are growing weaker. I think if she came to me and was like, "I want to work on our M" I would say ok right now. But as time is going by, I am less optimistic, that there is a way. I don't know. I think if we did, there would be a lot of work to do to get there.

While it has been all well and good to be focused on me, I guess the last 24 has, like I said, knocked me off balance. I was doing good without her here, but her being here just puts this all back in my face.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: I may have done too much [Re: D2ndday] #2436938
03/10/14 02:32 PM
03/10/14 02:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
L
Lost! Offline
Member
Lost!  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
Changing is a lengthly process that takes time and effort. It's very difficult not thinking about the relationship and the hard work invested.

It's been said to death but No Contact really is the only way. If you have any voluntary lines of communication with your wife, the breakup will be exponentially more difficult. If they're especially manipulative, they will do anything to break NC. Don't give them the satisfaction.

The cliches are true (in spirit, at least). Deleting Facebook and hitting the gym aren't miracle cures, but being proactive in general and working on yourself is always a good thing. Keep your mind off the shitty relationship that you've idealized in your head.

You need a buddy to keep you accountable, if you've got one. One of my friends would go so far as to mock and tease me when I'd talk about my wife or hint that I wanted to be with her regardless of what she did. That approach won't work for everyone, but tough love can definitely help. Preferably recruit one of your friends who particularly will not judge you.

Your ex is not the end-all be-all. You will laugh at yourself a year or two from now for thinking this. Trust me.
Holding on to this bad relationship is disrespectful to yourself. You only have about 80 years (give or take whatever) on this planet. Every second you waste on this is time you aren't going to get back. Don't give up but also do not allow her reckless life style to take away your happiness. Keep working on you and continue to focus on your future.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2436939
03/10/14 02:34 PM
03/10/14 02:34 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
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unbidden Offline
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
Lost, that was so well said and so helpful.

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2436941
03/10/14 02:43 PM
03/10/14 02:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
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Lost! Offline
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Lost!  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 212
I've not posted anything here in a week but working daily to find my inner joy and happiness. Life goes on my friend. Your wife is lost, you have no control
Over anything. You can not stop this, at least for now. She will be the one to come begging to let back in the relationship, that's if you guys are meant to be together. Keep up with the good work! Keep focusing on you and your future!

Re: I may have done too much [Re: Lost!] #2438205
03/14/14 03:34 PM
03/14/14 03:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline OP
Member
D2ndday  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
Thank you Lost!, Its been a difficult week. Just trying to stay focused. I have been secretly looking at my options. Like what I can do with our house. Have not moved on anything, but just looking at the options. Her asking me about what I thought about the house, makes me think she is thinking about it. I don't need to share with her what I found out, but at least now I have a better idea of what in reality are my options.

I am just trying to keep my eyes forward. Focusing on what I CAN do. Sent me a text last night to let me know she would not be coming home because she was sick. Why I should I care. I know because she wanted sympathy or something. Said she just wanted to let me know, and to make sure the dogs would be all set. I don't buy it. IC pointed out that I always want rescue her, and make the decisions. That she is probably used to that and is expecting it. So, I am not doing that. I couldn't think of a response that wouldn't, A. say ok to what she is doing, B. show sympathy to her being sick, C. let her know its ok, that I had it covered. So, I did not send a reply. Why should I?

I just went about my business. That's what I will try to continue with.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



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