I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Hi all,

So, new here. Wife dropped the bomb about 3weeks ago. Although had told me she was unhappy about 1month ago.

Together for 11 years, married for 7 1/2.
no kids, two dogs, 2cats.
We have a house we bought together, with a mortgage.
In May, we tried to have a kid, and she had a miscarriage, her first. It hit her hard.

So, here's my story, hoping I have not already blown it since I have broken many of Sandi's rules.

I had a since something was up with my wife back in December, and I asked what was wrong. She said she was unhappy. She seemed it at the time. She said she did not feel like I liked her as a person. She felt she had given up a lot of herself, things she was interested in, like playing music, hanging out with her friends, and going out. I asked at the time, if she loved me, she said she did, I asked if she was still in love with me, she said she did not know. That she wanted some space to figure it all out, and would talk to a counselor, although at the time she did not want to. I told her then, that I did love her, and like her, and I would be there.

I was blown out of the water by this, and scared I was losing her. That she did not know I liked her as a person, and that she did not know if she was still in love with me, crushed me. I ended up not going to work that day. It was too much for me to try and focus. It was her day off, so I said I would give her space and go do some things, chores. I am very close with my mother, and I called her because I was so upset and did not know what to do. She told me to go home, that while she wanted space, I had just left her home alone, upset and hurting. So I did. I told my W I would try to give her that space, and pretended everything was ok. I could not help but notice that she was starting to keep her cell with her even to bed, and had changed her Facebook, so I could not see everything. I think I caused that a little, because I had also been posting stuff to her wall, loving pictures and messages.

So the days went by, we work opposite schedules, I work nights and she works mornings, both full time. So we don't see each other much. Pretending was relatively easy. However I don't like space, and felt like it was growing. I always have tucked her in with a kiss at night, when I got home. She said I was looking over her, I was, I was trying to see if I could read her expressions, I could not. I started to feel like something more was going on. Her family has an event we go to every year before Christmas, a holiday thing. It was awkward because I felt like they knew something was up. Then we had Christmas at her moms house, and mine parents the day after. It was very awkward at hers. Again, they were not talking to me much, and it felt like they knew something.

After the holidays, I asked if she had started seeing a counselor, she had not, but was going to. Soon after, like Jan2, I something did not feel right. I started snooping, I found a brand new piece of lingerie in her drawer. A day or so later, we had a blizzard. She said corporate was closing all her stores, but that she had a meeting to go to like an hour away. The night before the meeting, she said she was going to bring a change of clothes, to change into once she got there. Kind of made sense, with the snow. But after she went to bed, I noticed the lingerie was gone. The morning of, I asked her not to go, that I thought it was a bad decision. She said she had to and wanted to. When she got home late that night, not normal. I asked her like 20questions, what did she do, where did the meeting happen, etc. Then I asked if she was having an affair. I told her we should do marriage counseling, she said she wanted to see a counselor alone again, so she could sort this out, and did not want to say something to me she might regret. She said she was not. After she went to bed, I looked in her car and found the lingerie.

I waited a few days, but now I was in full snooping mode. A few days later, I was looking for a lighter in her jacket (after she was asleep), and found a pregnancy test that was positive. One of those digital ones, that said she was 1-2 weeks along. We had not been intimate for about 1 1/2 months at that point. I went to her car, and found more test all saying the same. She was pregnant, but not by me. I was kind of relived, because it meant the cheating would come out, and somehow I saw it a little like karma for cheating. The next day, I noticed on Facebook, I was no longer listed as her husband, but as a friend. When I saw her that night, I asked her why she changed that on FB, and she said she did not mean to, that she was just changing privacy settings. I told her I knew what was happening, and what was going on.

She asked what I meant and I told her. I told her I found the test, that I found the lingerie, and that I knew who the guy was. I knew who, because she had talked about wanting to play music with him like 3monthes ago, he was her brothers friend. But then she stopped talking about it. She was mad at first that I looked in her car, but then confessed quickly. She had been seeing him, for about 2weeks, and slept with him 2x, and this had started around Christmas. One of those times being when she had the meeting.

I asked why, she said she did not know. She said she did not think we could work through this. She did not feel she had the passion to try to work through this. She said she also thought she loved him, And that maybe we were holding each other back. That I had made her stop playing her music when we got together and stop doing the things she loved. That I was jealous and treated her as though she was cheating all through our relationship, by questioning her when she was out late, like where she had been. That I expected intimacy from her on a schedule, and that that had turned her off. that she did not feel like being intimate throughout out relationship because she felt like it was expected of her. (We did have a talk when we got married, and I had said that I wanted more, I wanted us to try being intimate more than once a month.) But all this is an exaggeration to me, not to her obviously.

At this time I told her, we are going to marriage counseling. Because with all this out, we need someone now, to help us sort though it. She agreed. We knew it would take a few days to get in to see someone so I told her, lets just play this cool for the next few days until we get in. She agreed and we did, although it was uncomfortable. We went to counseling, and she said the same thing, she did not think we could work through this. The therapist asked if she was planning on continuing the affair, and she said she was. So the therapist, was not much help, because she was like, so I guess you both should see a mediator. I felt like the therapist was not much help. Therapist suggested we stop sleeping in the same bed, as we had been.

So she moved to the spare room. That has been hard. Of course I have been talking to my family for support. I guess that is wrong. When she denied the affair, I started counseling and have continued that. My mom, divorced, has been pressuring me to have W move out. I told W we should consider her living elsewhere, that this was too hard. She cried and said she had no where to go. I asked her, how did you see this playing out, you have been doing this for awhile, what was the end game. You did not consider what you would do. She said she had not, that it was not pre-meditated. I felt bad, and said she could stay for now but we should consider it. I have asked about what she thought we should do next and she said she thought a mediator. But I am the only one who has looked into it. Her mom is also divorced, and it was ugly. I know she is talking to her, and her mom is whispering to her. Like 3 nights ago, I tried pleading with her, asking why she was not fighting for us, that she was making a mistake. I said it all, everything I could. She said she did not know.

Yesterday when I woke, she had left me a note, as we have done every day of our marriage. This one said, she was going to stay elsewhere last night, and would be home today. She said we could talk to night to decide what's better. Am I thinking I will tell her she can stay her. This is after my interpretation of the 40 rules.

I felt the rules have given me some hope. I am going to stop pleading, and focus more on myself. I have cleaned myself up a bit. I am looking at getting into some of the hobbies I use to enjoy and looking at new ones. It is hard because I think since the miscarriage is when she became unhappy. She started getting all sorts of tattoos after that, she had a few before, but she is getting a lot more. Big ones. I think I was not there for her emotionally after it. When we got the house, to afford it, we took these jobs that made it so we don't see each other. Because they paid well. So she was alone. I think the affair, is her acting out, and an easier out. I think she is depressed and I don't think she is getting the help she needs from her family. She says she is seeing a counselor now, but by phone. Which I don't think is as effective as what she needs. I also don't think she sees, what she is doing, and as destructive.
But After finding this site, I printed the rules, I am going to find the book. I have been reading the stories. I am making the choice, that going forward to try following them. I think I needed to vent this. I also think I am looking for hope. She is my best friend, lover, partner, I am willing to try to work through it.

That's enough for now, looking for guidance. I know this is long, but there has been a lot. and venting it even helped.

Thanks

[D2ndday]

So last night I came home. My dogs, super happy to see me, and reciprocated their enthusiasm. Giving them lots of attention. She said hi when I walked in and I said hi back. But quickly returned my attention to the dogs. She went outside to smoke, and I called my sister and talked cooking while I did some chores upstairs. When I finished, I came down as she was going upstairs to bed. We did not talk about the future living arrangements. I made sure I seemed happy, and that I had things to do. This is a change from me looking for her to say something, or feeling sorry for myself.

I still do feel that way, but I am trying not to show her. I am trying to stick to the rules. But I just started so I am still commiting them. I think I have read just the rules 4 times yesterday, and 2 times today.

As a side note, I wish I could edit the spelling and wording on some of what I wrote. It is the first time I have written it down, and I think I was thinking faster than I was typing, lol.

[KarenR]

Hi, I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in. I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to talk to one of Michele's DB coaches. Your coach will help you get clarity on what you should be saying and doing, so that you are more likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Also, you will feel stronger and more in control of your situation. I know your mom means well in her advice (as do most parents, family and friends), but it is much more advisable to discuss with an expert and someone not emotionally involved with you. I would be happy to discuss this further with you.
Take good care.

[D2ndday]

I have thought about it. Right now, I am not sure since I am concerned with my finances. I mean I don't know if she is going to just take off, and leave me to pay the bills. Things are tight, and my instinct is telling me to save every dime. But, I do want to save my marriage. I just have to think about it. going to see my counselor tomorrow. Hoping for some clarity and guidance. I did show my mom the rules, and explained that for now, it would be best if she was there for support, but to let me find a way through. We will see. W said she would be home at 3, it is 5, but I am not calling or texting, will just entertain myself and fight the urge.

[AnotherStander]

So, here's my story, hoping I have not already blown it since I have broken many of Sandi's rules.

Nope, don't worry about it. All of us have broken some or even all of the rules at some point, mostly before we found DR and these forums.

I asked at the time, if she loved me, she said she did, I asked if she was still in love with me, she said she did not know.

Pretty typical WAS comment.

I could not help but notice that she was starting to keep her cell with her even to bed, and had changed her Facebook, so I could not see everything.

Yup, that's a classic WAS move too. She will cling to that phone like her life depends on it. Will sleep with it in her hand. Soon she will be getting texts all hours of the day and night and she will wake up from a dead sleep just to view the latest text. But when you text her it will take hours for her to reply, if she does at all. For now, this is your new life.

After the holidays, I asked if she had started seeing a counselor, she had not, but was going to.

Don't be pushy, it's not going to help your sitch. Most IC's are not much more than validators, the C is just going to tell your W what she wants to hear.

I told her we should do marriage counseling

You don't want that right now for the same reasons as above. If you have the money then spend it on a DB coach, they are pro-marriage all the way.

and found a pregnancy test that was positive.

WOAH! Wow, that is unbelievable.

Like 3 nights ago, I tried pleading with her, asking why she was not fighting for us, that she was making a mistake.

I just want to make sure you understand that you shouldn't do things like this, right? You're familiar with Sandi2's 37 Rules? Stop all R talks.

Am I thinking I will tell her she can stay here.

It's her decision to make. Don't tell her to go, don't tell her to stay. Tell her you want her to stay and work on the M, but that if she feels she needs to leave then you support her in her decision. But it IS HER decision to make. That's part of her journey as a WAS.

I think the affair, is her acting out, and an easier out. I think she is depressed and I don't think she is getting the help she needs from her family.

Anything that begins with "I think" is mind-reading. Quit the mind-reading. Work on YOU and give her time and space.

She says she is seeing a counselor now, but by phone. Which I don't think is as effective as what she needs.

Believe me, the IC is not going to change anything. Don't pin your hopes for reconciliation on that. My W has been seeing an IC for years and just keeps getting colder and more distant.

I also don't think she sees, what she is doing, and as destructive.

No, she sees it as her way to happiness. She's unhappy, she thinks it's all your fault and she thinks an OM will "cure" that. Here's what you can do to change that- NOTHING. Get out. GAL. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave.

Good luck!

[D2ndday]

You know, your post stopped me from getting into it with her last night. She has been staying here most nights but with him I think other nights. So far to separate nights in last week. Her notes have said we should start figuring out the separation. But then she has not started talking about it when we are both here. I have avoided starting the conversation on that topic. I am letting her do it, as I normally would be the one to do it. I had it in my mind last night we would talk about budget and where she would stay last night. I was heading home with the intention of telling her she should stay elsewhere, but your post gave me pause. I came home, was nice, and social. She did not bring anything up. I am glad I did not bring it up. Thank you, I was geared up to. But I am trying to be patient. I am the caretaker and planner. Right now I have no plan which is uncomfortable for me. I want to plan, but am avoiding the urge.

She came home sick today, and I am not taking care of her as I would have in the past. I am the chef, and I am no longer buying the groceries with her in mind. So no longer buying her fav foods and just food for myself.

Thank you again

[D2ndday]

Today has been a hard day. It is difficult not to think about our marriage. I have been focusing on myself, and trying to get into things. I keep thinking, is this just making us grow apart more. Am I doing all I can to be appealing, and waiting for her affair to run its course. Assuming she will come back, realizing this is the better choice. I wonder if she is just hanging around because she has no where else to go. She said when she dropped the bomb she did not want to move in with him because she felt she needed to live alone for awhile. So without going to far down that that process, I wonder if she is just waiting for us to sell the house.

I mean neither of us can afford the mortgage alone. Neither of us can afford to buy the other out. So having the house and a apartment would be too much. But I hope, she is sticking around because there is also a chance. I mean she could go stay with her mom. She says she thinks she loves this guy, well, than go stay with him. She has places to go. But she stays here, in the guest room. I don't understand, but I am venting a little.
I don't want her to go.

I struggle with the 180s and conversation stuff. Part because she knows me really well, and when we talk it has been hard not to fall into the old habits. I mean like, talking about things I find amusing, or stories I would tell.

She is really away on a business trip. As she was about to leave our dog had a allergic reaction. She texted me for the first time in a long time to let me know. On a break, I texted if she was going to the vet. She called right away, and we have not spoke on the phone in a really long time either. Once she got him back home, she had to go, she asked me to text her if her got worse. I meant to hang up first but instead, I thought I would let her hang up first. I wanted to see how she would end the call. I did keep my words short. Being honest, I wanted her to feel the weirdness of not saying she loved me at the end of the call. I just kind of let the conversation end in silence. we both just said bye.

I guess I am just trying not to regress into wondering why she is acting like she is. I am trying to just focus on me. I know this is good regardless of whether we can save this marriage. I am just trying to kind of bury my feelings, and redirect them into my hobbies. I am trying to be patient, I just worry I am losing her. I just done think she is caring about the changes I am making. I will continue, but I feel she is just so cold to me. She talks to me, but it feels somewhat fake. Reminding myself to be patient. Avoding divorce talks and I assume I should be avoiding planning talks about her moving out, or selling the house, or any of these things. I don't know how long she will let that last, but I guess I will leave that to her. As was said earlier, it is her journey, whether she stays. I thought that maybe if she asks about the living situation saying to her,

It's her decision to make. Don't tell her to go, don't tell her to stay. Tell her you want her to stay and work on the M, but that if she feels she needs to leave then you support her in her decision. But it IS HER decision to make. That's part of her journey as a WAS.

I just don't think she wants to leave or work on the marriage. Like I said I think she is just staying here, because it is next to her work, like a mile away, and cost. But from what she has said, she does not want to work on this. I still do. So I don't know what to do. Part of me thought having her move out might make the reality of what she is doing set in. I wont be there to look after her, feed her, and everything else I do for her on a daily basis. But in the meantime, I am just withdrawing those things with her here. I just don't know it it is having an impact.

I will keep on, just exhausted with all this.

[FlyOnTheWall]

D2 , let me start off by saying im sorry your going thru this! Its going to be one of the most challenging things you've ever done in your life, but your going to DB thru this!!!

AS is hellva good guy to have in your corner. I'm going to chime in with more of the morale support, listener for you for now.

I know its raw, your stomach is probably hurting all the time, and your in a constant daze. Make sure your eating, sleeping, and hell man, getting a good cry out here and there. Nothing wrong with that, just make sure she's not around.

I certainly don't mean to make you feel worse right now, but a lot of new posters come here almost in denial. They think that if they do A, B, and C. They can get this turned around. I just want you to understand, that is NOT the case, it can happen, but its going to take a D-Z, and then another foreign language on top of that before you might get a CHANCE to save your marriage.

I'm telling you this cause "state of mind" plays a big part of this whole thing. Do not underestimate ANY of what she's saying right now, even the crazy things you cant believe come out of her mouth. To her, they are REAL. You need to understand talking right now, is probably the worst thing you can do sometimes. Your new mantra is listening, and I mean hearing whats being said. Do NOT interject your opinion, you don't have one right now that matters. And another good hobby your going to be picking up is STFU. I think you understand.

Get out of the house, as much as you can, be mysteriously gone. Go to the library its free, you can read some books that will help. Walk around the mall, go to a park and read one of the books you might check out. Join a cheap/inexpensive gym and go work out. Just keep you and your mind busy. Its not about being mean, or "none of your business" attitude. Just you were out. period.

Keep posting here, venting, what ever you want or feel you need. We're here to listen, we're hear to help you try and save your marriage, but most importantly were here to help you save YOU.

You have a new routine everday/night, sit-ups, push-ups, cheap exercises you can do on the floor in any room, help you burn off some frustrations, and help you feel a bitter better to boot.

You'll get some others chiming in here soon. Read up on some others stories. You'll find a couple of things in common, 1. this takes a LONG time, maybe a year or two. 2. Your going to be all over the place for a while, understand that, and learn to be ok with it. 3. Its best to not share to much with too many, especially family as they don't want to see you hurt, so some of their advice might not be what you want to hear, or help with where your trying to get. 4. STFU, if your not sure what to say, say nothing to her, but do NOT let it escalate.

Feel overwhelmed yet? class is just starting. Its time to learn, and grow.

[TipAnna]

Hi D2ndday!

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! We are both in the same situation. I found out a month ago, he still sees the OW, and he still lives at home (most nights). Like you, I struggled and I still am...

After countless nights and days, trying to figure out the whys? Make him go or leave? What next? Should I take initiative and call the L, sale the house? ...I was putting endless energy into trying to "do things" as a reaction to him and his decisions. I then realized that I cannot change his mind or control what he does or why. All I can do is make the best decisions for me. I am not talking about the long term... I am living in the moment. So instead of staying home and wondering where he is or when and if he is coming home, I make dinner for myself, take a walk, and go to the library...anything to distract me...

In time, these new habits become routine and you find yourself not thinking of the situation as much. This gives your spouse space and allows you to clear YOUR head. You then can start thinking about what do YOU want. I think at the begging, we are all in shock and desperately running around trying to mend our hearts, our lives...take time to heal and find you again...the rest will follow!

[sandi2]

I join the others in welcoming you, D.

There's one big issue in your stitch that I believe needs some more attention. The fact that your W is pregnant by another man. As you have said, you keep thinking about your M....so how do you feel about the possibility of her staying and you raising another man's child?

Another question I don't believe I've read yet....has she told OM she is pregnant with his child? Have you asked her if she has told him?

Examine your heart closely, D, b/c this pregnancy is just the beginning of a future you had not counted on. I'm talking about if the OM decides to be a part of the child's life. Even if you and W stay together, your lives will be connected to OM (in some ways) by this child. Could you handle seeing him come to your home to pick up his child for the holidays (or whatever)? It's something you may not be able to answer right now, b/c you've just been hit with the news.

A woman who is having an A is confused about her feelings and can very easily make bad decisions. Being pregnant just compounds those emotions. It compounds the problems. Being pregnant can cause a woman to feel emotionally bonded to the father of her child.....if she thinks she loves him. However, if the two of you decide you want to work on your M, then it can work. You may decide you want to save this M before she reaches that same decision. That is usually the case when a LBS comes to the board. If that is your situation, then you really have a difficult road to travel. We are here for you. I want to encourage you to post every day possible. It will keep your thread more active.

Word of caution about her leaving or not. Know what you want first of all. Know what your personal boundaries are. In other words, what can you live with? And, what are things you absolutely won't live without? I think most of us who have been around for a while have learned a lot about ourselves, and I think you will also. But having a good idea of what boundaries are......I mean the true definition of personal boundaries.....is a good place to start when making decisions.

Think about the man you want to be. What if he was the very best You possible? What would that guy be? Think about it. Then start to make small, reachable, personal goals that will get you on your way in becoming that man.

You may not see what any of this has to do with your M problems at the moment, but I assure you that it does. Maybe you aren't quite ready to hear all of this yet. But I hope you will think about the man you were when that girl fell in love with you. Did he change? How can you improve him to be better? When you read where we say focus on you, that is what we mean.

Protect yourself. Know your rights. Protect your health. Protect your finances.

Get free legal advice, if possible, to see how your state does things in these situations. You may even be able to google certain questions. Doesn't hurt to ask. If she gets a D while pregnant or after the baby is born....find out how it would go for you. I'm not trying to sound like I'm jumping the gun here, or being negative. I'm being realistic and telling you to be prepared as best you can for "whatever". A lot of men are blindsided b/c they have their head stuck somewhere that hinders their sight. So think about all your options before striking out with no plan in mind.

While you are getting your thoughts together, be sure you do not threaten her or do things that look as if you are punishing her. Do not give ultimatums b/c they will backfire! Don't try to work things so she'll think about this or that. You are in a delicate situation and right now you have a lot on your plate without taking all of that on, as well.