One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

"Your fiancee's friend who wanted to leave his wife only after 6 months of marriage. Your post said she was very upset and disgusted and was planning to confront him about it. How did that turn out? Did she have an epiphany?"

Oh right, her friend... No epiphany. She's like that though, can't see her own situation when she's in it. She hasn't quite developed the observer mentality. She confronted him and told him what she thought, but I haven't heard much about it since I've been dim.



So last night and this morning were small baby steps. I picked her up from work last night and dropped my son off at her place. She invited me up and we had a small dinner together which was a nice thing for her to offer me. Normally I would've stayed as long as possible but I told her I was meeting up with an old highschool buddy. 180 for me.

This morning I picked my son up and offered to drive her to work. Partly because I was a bit late and I felt bad that she might miss her bus because of me. She was very upbeat and happy and we shared a few laughs. I did a few more 180's. normally I would say things that would prompt her in becoming defensive which often times would lead to arguments. Example. She forgot her precious phone at home on the way to work. Normally I'd say something like forget about it or I'd give a sarcastic comment about how precious her phone is. Instead I said, it really s*cks when you think you have everything and then forget something. I just let her vent the whole way back to her place. She found her phone and all was fine. There were 2 other times on the way to work which I diffused a potential argument.

After I dropped her off she smiled and said thanks for the adventure.

Anyway, baby steps...

[Dylis]

Oh, I wish I could have baby steps. I haven't had the opportunity to show off my 180s, he hasn't been around to see them or spoken to me to hear them. He picked up D from school and had dinner with her and his cousin this past Friday evening. While I sat alone in a booth at Outback Steakhouse, pretending to be out and busy and having fun. I was miserable; we don't get to have family dinners anymore. Savor those moments, the little encounters, and keep doing what you're doing...a great job. You're not out of the woods yet.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Oh boy.... This hurts. It's like everything that happened during our first break up is happening again but in fast forward!! My brain is hurting and I really need to calm down. Who is this girl?

Today we talked for like 8 hours!!! Turns out she has been dating a guy for the last 3 weeks. He's 38 and has a 6 year old. From what I gather he usually does l9ng term relationships. Never been married. This f*cking hurts to the core. She met him online.

All the classic script is being played out here. Changes being made that I would've loved to see during our r. That happened the last time we broke up as well. Telling me she wants me to be happy with someone else. Ugh!!! It's like I know what's going to happen but I just have to sit through this sh*t and watch.

Surprisingly I held it together for the most part. So many things she was saying was just so wrong!! Not even from my perspective but facts. Funny how they rewrite history like that. They forget any good and just focus on the bad.

She ended up talking about what's been going on with her, family stuff and work and friends.

I'm contemplating a new game plan. It's the same as last time. I have to fully detach, date, and be that super nice guy who is better than anyone she knows. I have to do family time, that's step/goal number one.

I found out some more reasons why she left me again. But who knows if it's just how she's feeling today. The list might be different tomorrow. But what I gather is this. She was super pissed that I was upset about her joining a 6 month pool league with that guy she had casual sex with; claims that I didn't change my jealousy issues(which weren't really issues). She was upset that I didn't move ahead with the stuff I said I would do fast enough. I was in fact getting the ball rolling just wasn't fast enough for her liking.

Ugh!! My mind is mush right now.

Someone point me in the right direction!!!

Ps. I hate these emotional posts, 10 bucks says I end up feeling better in a few posts.

[melissag]

2TH, I think you have already pointed yourself in the right direction with the idea of detaching.

I feel like you talk about a lot of the hurtful things your W has done/said, but you seem to still have her on a pedestal. Do you agree? I have found that looking more honestly at my M and my H (both during the M and now) has helped me to strip away some of the desperation I felt to have him back . . . that's not to say I don't want him back - I do. But it has helped me to focus more on myself rather than my H; and to be able to look at H and his behavior more objectively and see that it is a reflection of him and not of me.

As far as dating, do you really want to date right now? Or is it just part of a strategy to get your W back?

[AnotherStander]

2nd, so sorry you're going through this!! That sounds like a very painful conversation. But at least it's all out there now. If there's a small silver lining it's that your GF is secure enough in your R that she is willing to tell you about OM rather than taking the typical WAS cloak-and-dagger approach.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hi melissa. You have no idea how much I appreciate any kind of response to my thread. I'm at that low point we all go through. It f*cking hurts!!!

I totally agree with taking her off that pedestal. The thing that worked for me last time was to take her off it by listing all her negative physical traits. The traits I accepted because I love her have become reasons for getting her off that damn pedestal. I'm a guy so I know how critical/shallow we can be sometimes. That's why listing physical traits helps me more as opposed to knowing she is a basket case right now. Guys can put up with crazy chicks who are hot(shallow I know). If I tell myself the reasons she's not hot, I dunno, I find comfort in that.

The dating thing was more meant for down the line. Sure ill go out and grab a coffee or drink if the situation presents itself. But I'm no rush to start a real relationship. Dating in the past was a huge way to detach for me. I waited close to 10 months before I tried dating again.

I want to find comfort somehow, some way knowing that their relationship won't last. Even her mother is upset with her decision to date. But that just fuels my ex more to prove her mom wrong. I'm mind reading there.

My mind is a mess now and need to find peace, and strength.

[2ndTimeHurt]

2nd, so sorry you're going through this!! That sounds like a very painful conversation. But at least it's all out there now. If there's a small silver lining it's that your GF is secure enough in your R that she is willing to tell you about OM rather than taking the typical WAS cloak-and-dagger approach.

That's the one thing about her that I love. She is truthful.

She feels really comfortable with me. She's able to open up with me, more than anybody she knows. That's why I think she says she feels so negative and depressed only around me. Does that make sense? Sort of like a child who shows his parents his dark side but appears to be an angel around strangers. It really hurt when she said she is only negative and depressed around only me. I find that hard to believe and want to chalk it up to "don't believe and damn thing they say".

Thanks for replying as. That silver lining lifted me up a bit.

[melissag]

I'm at that low point we all go through. It f*cking hurts!!!

I soooo know how this feels. I was feeling this way a couple weeks ago. It was the worst I have felt since BD. Here's what I did; maybe it will help you. Instead of trying to fight the bad feelings, I just let them come. I leaned into them. And I found that they were not bottomless, as I had thought they were. I also remembered that plowing through the hurt (rather than denying it) is healing. So I thought of it as a good thing that would help me grow and propel me forward at some point.

After a day long pity party, I remembered that I get to decide whether I am going to be a victim, and I get to choose whether to be happy. So I wrote a list of things I was grateful for. And I won't lie. The things were like, "being alive (grumble grumble)." and "cheese." But, then I reached out to some friends, I went to yoga (I love the mental aspect of yoga), and I added some more things to my list. (My friends and yoga, for starters.) And soon enough, I realized I didn't feel so bad anymore, and then I realized that wow, I am really resilient! I no longer need to wallow in my pain and self pity. I can feel the feelings and let them go.

Remember that you are still you, and you are still worthy, regardless of what your W does. Her decision to date someone else does not reflect poorly on you, 2TH.

Hang in there . . . it will get better. Focus on you, not on your W.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thank you Melissa

I'm sitting here crying while I'm at work. I'm supposed to be demo'ing work but I'm here by myself and just feel like crying. So I'm taking your advice and letting these tears pour onto my phone.

I have to keep telling myself, that I made it out alive before. It's just the feelings of guilt and shame are strong right now. I know I f*cked up and it's painful to say and realise that.

Back to crying on my ladder...

[2ndTimeHurt]

So after having a pity party for myself at work I do feel better. Who knows for how long though.

Today was strange but expected. My ex is all over the place. Very hard to have a conversation with her. We agreed that we'd take our son swimming today after she was done work. Later on I text her to verify a pick up time. She texts back saying she is on the fence about me coming. Says she doesn't want to make it a habit. Then she says she will do laps while I swim with him. I just tell her to have fun with him and i'll just drop him off. This confuses her so she calls me. I restate I'll just drop him off. She then says(about it becoming a habit(I'm actually confused by that statement)), s3 will want to go more and that I'll probably need to buy a pass. I say ok sounds good. Then she says she doesn't know if I'll have to pay for s3. I'm still confused as to why she was saying this in regards to it becoming a habit. Bad backtracking attempt? Anyway, I tell her I'll get s3 dressed and I'll pick her up from work(she works down the street) and take them to get water wings then I'll drop them off at the pool. On the way to get water wings she says maybe she'll soak in the hot tub while i swim with s3. Shes got some nasal infection and feels off. I say sounds good. While getting water wings she says that maybe WE should take him to the play structure in the facility. I say sounds good. Then she says maybe WE should just get some fast food and eat at her place while discussing s3's nursery school options. We ended up doing the last option. See what I mean about her not being able to make up her mind!!!

During all of that, she asked how I was doing(surprisingly I was in a better mood than she was). I said I have a million emotions going on. I have enough tools to figure it out. I swear she loves the drama that comes with me being hurt even though she says she cares and doesn't want to hurt me.

Later on she decides to tell me something about om. Damn, am I writing om now in my posts!!! She tells me he is fb friend's with a very close friend of mine/family. I resist the urge to say anything regarding him. She just says small world eh?

I'm mind reading here, but it really does feel like she's baiting me into arguments.

During our fast food run, I assumed she was just buying herself something. So I ordered what she wanted and proceeded to drive thru. She basically snaps at me and says arent you getting anything?! I tell her that I didn't hear she was buying me anything. She says "you drive her crazy sometimes", "I asked you where do we want to eat?". I stayed calm and just said sorry, I didn't hear you say that. She then continued on about me driving her crazy. I just kept my mouth shut.

The evening was weird but I'm guessing it's par for the course based on my situation.