I'm so happy things are looking good for you. Remember take things slow. My ex was 100% in as well until she got unhappy and thought things were the same as before.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
thanks for the tip 2TH. I can actually foresee this exact thing now you say it, as if we do have a disagreement he still 'fights' a little like he used to and brings up old situations or makes correlations to things that are now void - he has been beginning to realise this and then make apologies but this doesn't always happen. I can see that it would only take a couple of these instances for him to think things have gone back to how they were. I suppose I take from this the importance of still maintaining the happiness and validation as I do feel like because things are good I've let my guard done a little.
Always something to ponder :-)
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
If you ever hear the words "things haven't changed" or anything along those lines, figure out a solution ASAP! Maybe you're being complacent or escalating arguments or not enough date nights or not enough of whatever. Just figure it out.
In this early phase you have to have your guard up and never feel like things are all better. It's extra difficult when your h will bring up the past. My ex constantly did that. I was trying to treat the new relationship like a new one, but she just couldn't help but think of the past. I easily could've validated her feelings but instead I defended myself. I would say something like the past is the past, or I'm not that person anymore etc.
Anyway, take it slow and find time to laugh with him or joke or anything that resembles fun!
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
so we talked a little tonight. He had a bad day so he stop off at a friends place on way home. We have learnt that him stressed plus kids is nowhere near a good mix. I'd rather have him cool off first before coming home. When he came home he just wanted to talk about his bad day. Every little thing. It was nice and him asking my opinions about what he should do. I know he has always respected my opinion and no doubt he will put it to good use as my advice (when he asks for it) is never brushed off. But what was nice was at the end he asked about me and how I am at the moment. We touched a little on some small things but I just let them go. I commented and then moved on. This is my 180 I've been working towards - biting my tongue. Because he isn't a talker I would kind of what for the right time but if he ever mentioned what it was I wanted to discuss I jumped on it like a panther and its prey. Not tonight, and our conversation went for a good hour and ended nicely. Progress....
2TH - I think my H wont say anything about changes - hes not a talker in that sense. So I'd be left guessing again if it went bad. But I'm remaining optimistic and always being fun!
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Hello Grey, Nice to meet you. I just read your thread. It's a relief to find someone else on the board in the same relationship stage. New to Piecing... sometimes I say pre-piecing. I don't know why... but anyway, I am trying to navigate the post-affair, return home (we separated 9 months) process now too.
I relate to every single one of your thoughts and anxieties. And I think you are doing a bang up job! I wanted to mention, since you said your H just cannot talk or communicate feelings... my W told me it was really hard, even still, since she's been home 4 months, to hear me speak about my pain or even sometimes see me happy because it reminds her of how much she hurt me. He might feel the same way.
We need to be oh so patient with them, and that is soooo hard to do! Because then we are left to our own thoughts, fears and developing expectations. I am a pro at that!
Are you dealing with any post-affair grief from him over the OW? I am. (My W's affair was over 2 yrs) I'm asking because I wonder how other people deal with it, or symptoms they notice... and there aren't a lot of our friends here in the same phase of healing as we are...
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Very nice to meet you to RT! Wow I'll have to jump onboard your thread as well, as you are correct there is no-one else in a similar place that I have found. I'm in a weird prepiece/piecing stage too. And I think you have nailed in on the head with the hurting me part being a nasty reminder to him. Because he is always their making sure I'm ok if ever I look slightly sad. His A was for approx 12months. OW was 3.5hr flight away so it wasn't often PA but still enough and it was all hyped up online. I found out by finding his phone when he lost it drunk one night and couldn't find it himself. This was about 7months into it so really it was right when it was getting 'good' for them. But I'm thankful I found out then as he was getting himself in too deep. He has admitted that it lost its gloss basically asap after I found out and the next big thing was me saying 'good luck to you, if this is what you think is going to make you happy I will not fight you. I don't agree with it nor do I want it but good luck' (obviously happy and cheery but this is always me) I did obviously let him see me lose it though as I believe that was good for him to still know I was human and what he had done really did kill me. I can start to look back now and see how bad he looked - like a junky, and the anger and it gives me reasurrance it was a bad thing his A. I believe he thinks the same as he makes small comments about his weight, (not assuming anything though) So in response to your point about them greiving the loss of the OW/M I definately think that has a bit to play in it. But All it has done for me is to make sure I go above and beyond in the 'understanding' and 'validating' parts. I'm filling the shoes that OW once did and offer some excitement of craziness every couple of days like music loud in the kitchen when he comes home and rolling around giggling with kids and we all jump on him or hide when he walks through the door so it's a fun place. Spontaneity is the key for me I think. I'm not sure if you also read on one of my posts that I asked him if he missed her when 'we' were going through 'their' break up and he said he did and I validated him and he got so mad and stormed out because he told me the next day that my understanding made him angry because I was so nice and he couldn't believe how much he hurt me and if he were in my shoes he would not ever be able to be so nice about it. And of course ended with I didn't deserve that treatment. I pretend the A didn't happen now, yes I have triggers and I'm almost certain he is intune to some of them. We definately have come such a long way.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
I can't wait to read your stuff RT, might be a nice helping hand over these weird months as 2TH is correct in making sure we don't take too much for granted :-)
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Thank you for posting about piecing...I am not at that stage but H moved in to help with our dog walks since we do not have a yard anymore. My DB coach thinks is a great situation that he is back in the house and so I stay cheery, play around with baby as I always do and show him my 180. He is really in a bad placed because of work, probably ending the affair and doesn't know what he wants.
Did your W/H moved in as a mutual agreement? Mine is one foot in, one out...
H 38, me 39 M 13 D 2 yrs BD 2/2013 H in LDEA 2011-2014 H kicked out of our home 8/2013
Hey guys, everything had been going great until about 30mins ago. I didn't want to post because it felt like I was rubbing it in a little. Things had been great, all of our slight dissagreements had changed in the tone in which they happened and we both had been so much more understanding of each others positions. but what has changed.....money. For the past 6 months I have been supporting myself and living to a means. I accepted that the job I had may not pay as well as others in pay per hour but it was regular and it moulded around me still doing children, school hours and available working from home. I understand my H thinks I'm worth more but he gets quite forceful with his beliefs in the fact that he thinks I should request more money. He also believes I should be more proactive in getting extra work that pays higher rates. My work is by no means in the bottom of the pile and with the benefits I have I can't look at it too badly. And besides my boss has been more then understanding in the situation I have had to deal with in regards to H and his A with OW. It's like H has slipped back into his mindset pre one year ago!! I don't know how to approach it as I'm trying to explain my position and he has already got it stuck in his head how it is to play out. I just left the room crying and he has gone to sleep. This is the very first time we have kind of faught in a similar style as before and am unsure how my response needs to be, doing a 180 and all.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
