Husband moved out...

[planet]

Not a good idea if your purpose is to 'win' back his heart with gifts or to compete with the OW.

If it's just a non-romantic gesture of acknowledging his birthday then I suppose a card will do.

One last thing, why do you think you need to compete with anyone?

[peaceSJ]

H complained before that I am not a romantic person. Maybe his birthday is an opportunity to show I can be romantic as well? Honestly I don't think it can do anything to our R now, but I still want to give a try.

In our culture, if a person knows the other person is married and has kids but still tries to steal that married person from his/her family, that person is not a good person.

[planet]

Honestly I don't think it can do anything to our R now, but I still want to give a try.

You know you are right about not gaining anything from this. It's your choice. I do hope you will see some positives.

In our culture, if a person knows the other person is married and has kids but still tries to steal that married person from his/her family, that person is not a good person.

Right. Just don't minimize your H's part in this.


Again, why do you feel the need to compete with anyone?
Do you want to rescue your H? From who?

[peaceSJ]

Planet, you are right. I don't know why i need to compete. Maybe In my mind I am still thinking my H is confused by the OW, and he cannot see the bad side of this OW. I shouldn't think in this way.

[lovethehub]

In our culture, if a person knows the other person is married and has kids but still tries to steal that married person from his/her family, that person is not a good person.

I think people in most cultures feel this way. Prior to my A, I judged people who cheated and thought they were horrible. I believed I would NEVER do that and couldn't understand why they didn't get a D first. What people don't understand is that, at least for me, I was so unhappy I didn't use the same judgement I normally would. We grow up believing someone will come along, we will fall in love, get married, have kids and be happy. We mistakenly expect our spouse to meet almost every need we have; happiness, companionship, someone to confide in, share the good times and bad with. We don't realize that it takes different people in our lives to feel full and whole, we want it all to come from our S and when it doesn't, we are unhappy and blame the M. We aren't taught that M is work and you have to tend to it carefully. We just think we are happy and, if we are with the right person, we will stay that way. I didn't plan to have an A, 'it just happened' after years of trying to change the M. Although I know now I wasn't trying to change the M, I was trying to change my H instead of changing myself. Both your H and OW are probably in similar situations and are only able to think of themselves at this time. Blaming the OW though is not going to help. Yes, in a perfect world we would leave each others spouses alone but when you get to the point of having an A, you aren't thinking about others, you are trying to be happy. Once you get a taste of the happiness that was gone for so long, you can't get enough of it and you don't care what you have to do not to go back to where you were.

H complained before that I am not a romantic person. Maybe his birthday is an opportunity to show I can be romantic as well? Honestly I don't think it can do anything to our R now, but I still want to give a try.

You just confronted your H about having an A, now is not the time to try something romantic. It will make you look desperate and that is not attractive at all. Going on about your life, showing H a strong woman who doesn't need him (do your crying when he isn't around, vent on here) IS attractive.
Let the kids pick out something from them for his birthday and that is all you need to do. That way you are acknowledging it and don't look resentful, angry, etc. but it isn't from you when you know your H is having an A, that will make him lose more respect.

Planet, you are right. I don't know why i need to compete. Maybe In my mind I am still thinking my H is confused by the OW, and he cannot see the bad side of this OW. I shouldn't think in this way.

You can't compete with OW. She is new, she is exciting, she made him happy again. What bad side are you referring to? Because she is willing to be with a M man? He definitely won't see that, and honestly, it doesn't necessarily make her a bad person. My OM had a girlfriend and I had a H and we had an A for a long time and I'm not a bad person. I made a bad choice and justified it but I'm not a bad person.

[peaceSJ]

Hi LovetheHub, thank you for your reply. You gave me very good points, which makes me understand our current situation a bit more.
I hate that I still love my old H so much. He is used to be very responsible and caring. Whenever I was thinking about our old time, I wanted to show him that I love him. But in the reality I have to accept he is a totally different person now. the new H is so cold-hearted and selfish, and sometimes even crazy and ridiculous. Every time when he pushed me for divorce and for accepting what he wanted, I felt so sad and angry. I was wondering where is my old lovely H? How come can a nice person change so dramatically within one year? He will become really happy after destroying such a good family, especially when he sees his kids suffer from a broken family?
I know it is no good, but I don't know why I keep thinking in this way :-(