Separated since 9/6; first hopeful, now dismal...

[newton0]

My wife left after we got into a row & was staying with a friend since. She joined me in therapy & we commenced dating, but refused to come home nor did we have any serious talk about what we wanted to do regarding the marriage despite my repeated asking. After several months of her showing zero interest in me sexually, I began to get disenfranchised & frustrated. She was extremely depressed and refused to follow any of the therapist's advice.

In November I stopped pursuing and we essentially stopped communicating while I continued therapy. She was sleeping more and always negative about everything. I made an appointment for her with our doctor & she was diagnosed with Lyme disease and mono. She also started anti-depressants, but stopped talking them because she did not like Wellbutrin. I told her she needed to talk to the doctor about trying another medication, but she refused.

I stayed low, and out of frustration began seeing a woman I had met on Match.

The couple she was renting a room from, moved out at the beginning of this month, and was hoping this would prompt her to do something about re-engaging me to begin working on our marriage or at the very least declare it was over.

She did neither, instead informing me that she was going to lease an apartment for six months because she wanted to feel 'secure'.

Our therapist thinks she is physically and mentally ill and wanted me to try to get her to a walk-in psychiatric evaluation, but she refused.

I am disheartened as she said she made the apartment decision in a panic. I asked her to give it more time, but it seems she has committed to that direction. I asked her how this was going to help our relationship to which she had no answer.

So now I am stuck. We've made zero progress in four months regarding our relationship. We've slept together twice in that time frame (no sex), but she expresses no interest in coming home. When I get passive-aggressive and threaten divorce, she simply says 'ok'. Yet she asked if I want to do something this weekend, and asked if she could 'borrow' some furniture for her apartment.

The whole situation is crazy. She was supposed to take this time to get her head together and figure out what she wanted out of life and out of our relationship. She has done neither, and states she simply feels 'lost'.

What do I do now?

Let her go and go dark while continuing therapy & working on myself? Continue in this quasi-relationship where nothing gets resolved or moves in any direction? Some hybrid combination of the two?

I also really like the woman I have been seeing and she like me.

It's a frustrating, place to be as on one hand, I'm trying satisfy my needs while clinging on to the bare threads of our near 10-year marriage.

I guess it may simply come down to me getting to a point where enough is enough and simply moving on...

[BKS]

Patience! that's what you do.

She says she is lost. You can not help her find her way. She must go through this on her own. It is hard to watch someone you love, hurt so badly, and all you can do is watch from the sidelines.

Be there to offer help if she requests it but, until then, take care of you! that is the best thing you can do. Keep yourself healthy so that you can be there when/if she needs you.

NO EXPECTATIONS!

BKS

[newton0]

Thanks BKS!

I'll do my best, but as you said, watching from the sidelines is very, very hard.

She has refused any and all help/advice both myself and the therapist has proffered.

[AnotherStander]

Unfortunately you are the last person she will listen to when it comes to her needing help. You are not in a position to set that up for her. About all you can do is detach and leave her to it (as long as she's not dangerous or suicidal).

Regarding your OW, just my opinion but I don't see how you can reasonably start a new romantic R when you still live with your W. As long as you're still living together there's going to be a lot of emotional baggage and I don't see how you keep that out of the other R. Personally when I read these sitches involving "in-house separations" the couples never really sound separated to me. More like "married but having problems". Once you physically separate the marriage drops away pretty quickly (except for the legal part) and the people become much more independent.

[newton0]

Hello AnotherStander, W left the home on 9/6...

[newton0]

Well, no contact since our last meeting last Wednesday. She didn't bother to respond to my text where I said she looked beautiful.

I thought she might follow-up and ask if I wanted to attend an event she mentioned previously, but she did not.

Seems we are just growing further & further apart, though I guess she has been busy dealing with establishing her new apartment.

I have a therapy session tomorrow and I believe she is normally off; should I reach-out and ask if she wants to join me? She was attending previously, but I don't want to bother her.

I have a theraphy

[BKS]

dj,

If she knows about the session, I would not bother her. She will come if she is compelled to. Not because you want her to.

I would let my W know when I was going. It was her choice to go or not. I did not ask her to go.

After about 3 months of going by myself, she started going too. It was her decision to go though. All hers...

That's my humble opinion. Others may have a different take on it .

[newton0]

Thanks BKS. I agree. She knows I am still in therapy and she is welcome to rejoin me if she wishes.

I emailed her last night and told her she will need to get her own auto insurance as I cancelled her policy. I gave her a week to obtain new insurance.

I also told her I was filing taxes separately this year so she will need to file her own.

At this point, it doesn't seem to make any difference what I do, so I've decided to act like I am divorced and moving on with my life.

In December I got a roommate who incidentally is going through the same mess. I also bought a new truck as she took the SUV and I wanted the utility functionality. She seemed nonplussed, actually sort of indignant by both facts.

I also drained the joint bank account, and will start moving assets around. I gave her a boatload of cash to help her through this early on which she said she would use for 'security'.

No more cake-eating for her. If she doesn't want to be a part of my life then I'm tired of pretending and giving her the best of both worlds.

I looked at emails form when she first moved out >4 months ago and nothing has changed on her end. They may have been written yesterday.

The only thing left is what to do with her remaining items here. Now that she has an apartment, I should tell her she needs to come get the last of her stuff and be done with it.

In a way I feel kind of sorry for her, but I'm sure that will change when I get served.