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Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2421831
01/09/14 08:18 PM
01/09/14 08:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Your W does not want to be friends with you, in fact she seems devoted to being as miserable, angry and mean to you as she possibly can. She pushes your buttons at every opportunity and revels in it when you respond in kind. So quit responding in kind! Be as businesslike, detached and unemotional with her as you can. I think it will be much better for your emotional well-being in the long run!


I can vouch for this. There's nothing like the satisfaction of not rising to the bait or stooping to their level. Listen to AS.

Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: sandi2] #2421940
01/10/14 12:43 AM
01/10/14 12:43 AM
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I'm not sure about where you live, but I was unable to change my daughters name (her request) because her father (that she has seen once in 4 years) said no.

I also agree with the others that you need to stop replying to W when she takes the conversation south. When she makes her digs about your GF, either ignore her or use AS's reply that you pay support and other than that it is your business.

Did she really sell the car? How is she going to get around, with 2 young children, and get a job if she doesn't have to have a car. Is there a chance she is lying?


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: lovethehub] #2421952
01/10/14 01:22 AM
01/10/14 01:22 AM
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I'm probably the worst at this, but you just need to end those conversations with a "no".

That's the only thing that has resulted in my W responding. Don't be a jerk, don't say anything else, just say "No."

Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: labug] #2422042
01/10/14 06:34 AM
01/10/14 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Let the lawyers handle it.

The name change I'm sure it difficult for you but either they have your name or they have her name. Is it a hill you want to die on?


I do admit is something I feel very strongly about and will do what I can to stop it from happening.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: Fartiltre] #2422043
01/10/14 06:37 AM
01/10/14 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
I would have been hurt MAJOR by a name-change so I understand....perhaps it is a guy-thing!

Take this up with L - take it all up with L and get those boundaries settled. She will continue IMHO!

I know you are holding back compared to earlier on but - again only my opinion - you need to back out totally. I can see that her crazy statements about OW doesnt bite. React the same way to all the others and if she demands an answer then "I will think about it!"


I had a good chat with L yesterday which I will post in a bit.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: labug] #2422044
01/10/14 06:41 AM
01/10/14 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Set a text boundary.(I might have said this before) You will text with her about kid logistics and that's it. When it turns to anther subject you stop. "Have a good day wife. Can't talk about this now" and then let the L do her/his thing.

You both go on and on and nothing ever gets settled.

I feel for you but back off.


As soon as I feel stress from the conversation or I find it difficult to answer I need to duck out.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2422045
01/10/14 06:45 AM
01/10/14 06:45 AM
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Posts: 1,133
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
UGH! You're getting drawn into the vortex again smile Don't let her redirect the conversation, just stick to the subject:

Originally Posted By: T1000

W: It cost 7 a month for a large bag of dry cat food. 35g a day each. I'm sure if you can afford to take (friend) out for dinner then you can afford to feed two cats. Priorities were never your strong point!

Me: The credit card we took out 22 months ago to pay for the windows has come out of it's promotional period. It's an extra 120 a month on top of the extra CSA iis taking off me. I can't afford to feed them anything.

I am not going to keep the cats any longer. If you don't want them then let me know and I will give them to a shelter.


Quote:
W: How have you funded your nights out & your new girlfriend. Maybe you should start selling stuff like I've had to to cover my bills. And can I also remind you that you never paid me money for 3 months...saving yourself 900. Maybe you should have used that money to pay off a chunk of your credit card that paid for the windows to your house that you live in! Ask (friend) for some rent money.

Me: You have been on vacation twice in the last two months. I was offered a free week away but had to turn it down because I can't afford to pay for my own food. The credit card changed in October so it's more like 540 which doesn't make much of a dent in 11000. I've had the cats for 18 months now. I don't want them, I don't want to spend money I don't have on them and they desreve to be loved by someone who loves cats and that is never going to be me.

I am paying your support, beyond that my personal finances are my concern.


Quote:
W: If that's the case then your shares and dividends will also be a joint asset...as well as everything in the house including the equipment under the stairs. As well as tv's, computers, projector and anything else you appear to have because after all I left with nothing. I have absolutely nothing to lose so carry on.

Me: Carry on what? I'm not trying to be funny. Your car is the only other major asset because it's wot=rth four figures. You want a quick divorce and an offer and I gave you one.

If we can't agree then we will resolve through our lawyers.


Quote:
W: As I'm changing my name back just to let you know I'll be registering the kids under (her maiden name) too but keeping their legal name as (my name).

Me: What does tha mean?

I will discuss the ramifications with my lawyer.


Your W does not want to be friends with you, in fact she seems devoted to being as miserable, angry and mean to you as she possibly can. She pushes your buttons at every opportunity and revels in it when you respond in kind. So quit responding in kind! Be as businesslike, detached and unemotional with her as you can. I think it will be much better for your emotional well-being in the long run! I understand you're probably trying to placate her so you can get the most visition with the kids that you can, but it's NOT WORKING. She's using the kids against you at every opportunity. I would suggest that if you want to Skype with them, get it in the D paperwork. The only way she's going to give you an inch is if she's legally forced to.


I feel like I have justify myself for some reason and I need to stop it. I certainly don't have to justify myself to her.

In regards to the cats. I don't want them but I also don't want to put them in a shelter where they will most likely be put down. I struggle with it.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: sandi2] #2422046
01/10/14 06:48 AM
01/10/14 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Looks as if everything may need to go through the lawyers b/c contact with her is hopeless. She will never stop taking every shot she can get at you. Now that you have a girlfriend, she will really get ugly b/c it's eating her up.

Don't say anything else about the cats.

You may need to appoint someone to be the go-between in the needed contacts regarding kids. Don't give opportunity to get drawn in. I know couples who got D and never contacted each other over kids information again. At least not by phone or email. She doesn't want a D b/c she's had all this power over you by using the kids as leverage. Once D, she will have to let you see them as the court dictates.

If you could learn to laugh at her and say something like, "If you say so", and she saw she couldn't push your buttons, she might stop......but I don't know. Heck, she pushes my buttons!



I feel like I'm still pandering to her somewhat because I need her input to get the re-mortgage completed.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: LBH_LC] #2422047
01/10/14 06:50 AM
01/10/14 06:50 AM
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Posts: 1,133
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Originally Posted By: LeftCoastLBH
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Your W does not want to be friends with you, in fact she seems devoted to being as miserable, angry and mean to you as she possibly can. She pushes your buttons at every opportunity and revels in it when you respond in kind. So quit responding in kind! Be as businesslike, detached and unemotional with her as you can. I think it will be much better for your emotional well-being in the long run!


I can vouch for this. There's nothing like the satisfaction of not rising to the bait or stooping to their level. Listen to AS.


I have experienced this myself as our communications have altered, I'm just not at the point where I feel I can do it all the time. Everyone is right though, I can win the battle she wants to fight with me. She would say black is white.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
Re: One giant leap forward! - Part 10 [Re: T1000] #2422048
01/10/14 06:51 AM
01/10/14 06:51 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,133
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^^^^ I meant 'can't win'


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
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