A Voyage Into The MLCer Mind

[Wonka]

Greetings to Newbies, Grizzled Vets, and TheBadlanders,

Once upon time….heh…never mind.

As promised, I am going to post some information, insights, and incidents that highlight some of the key signposts of my personal journey into MLC. With recollection and recall years after my MLC, some information may not appear in sequential order as the onset of my MLC occurred with the death of my paternal grandmother in 1999 and ended sometime around the Spring 2004.

Will strive make every attempt to pull together snippets of details, information, and storylines over the course of next several weeks that represents the Wonky Wonka MLC Starship aka the U.S.S. Wonkie Enterprise in the best and worst possible way.

A good starting point would be reading the below link to the onset of the MLC journey:

Informal Poll: Onset of MLC

I will gladly [sometimes not] take questions and inquires from the hoi polloi and answer them in the best Wonka fashion. There's no guarantee that they will make sense.

Let's rock n'roll!!!!

[RealityTrip]

Awesome. Because you a mentor to me, I am ok with you answering on my thread for continuity, or here... your choice, but I really appreciate your opening the doors to your MLC experience.

Questions:

1-Is there any way for a LBS to know if BD, AP, etc... is part of a life crisis or just simply BD and AP, no crisis included?

2-At any point in MLC Wonka, did you "know" you were in it? Or did self-eval bring you clarity? Did Mrs. Wonka ever think or vocalize those questions? If so, did it make you mad?

I feel like it's easy to "protect" our spouse behavior with the diagnosis of MLC, I know I am guilty of that. "Abducted by Aliens" etc... Did you, in the wave of it all, ever realize what you were in? I guess that's my question.

[Wonka]

The Event

Before I go into detail on the event that precipitated the MLC journey, I need to furnish some background information beforehand so you will understand better the dynamics between Ms. Wonka and I prior to the event.

Ms. Wonka and I knew each other only superficially as undergraduates at a college we both attended. It consisted mainly of “hi, hello” as we passed by each other on campus. Coincidentally, we both entered graduate school during the same year. I had worked two years prior to entering graduate school and Ms. Wonka went straight to grad school after graduation.

We began dating in the Fall of 1994. In total, we had been together for 5 years before MLC hit me in May of 1999 and we already were puppy parents to our dog and cat that had been raised since 8 weeks old in 1996.

In the early Spring of 1999, Ms. Wonka and I traveled to Europe in what was our first overseas trip as a couple. Her parents, sister and BIL all joined us on the trip. We spent the first 3 days in Amsterdam before we split to go our separate ways. Ms. Wonka and I traveled Western Europe for 12 days while the other group went to France. It was a very happy period for Ms. Wonka and I taking in some amazing cultural experiences with some hot randy stuff in between. At the end of the trip, we met up again in Amsterdam to fly back to the States.

After returning back from Europe in mid-March 1999, I returned to my office to prepare for a regional "Brainaic" tourney for high schoolers that preceded the national competition that the college, for whom I was working for at that time, was the primary host. FUN!

All’s well in my happy little world with Ms. Wonka.

Then one day I get a call in my office in late April 1999 that informed me of my paternal grandmother’s passing away. That left me utterly and profoundly shocked to the core despite the fact that I ‘knew’ intellectually it was her time since her mind and body had gone south at the age of 97.

Very slowly I got up from my desk and walked out of the building without any memory of how my legs moved that day. I walked and walked and walked around the campus bathed in the afternoon sun trying to get grips on my inner world that seemed to inexorably spin out of control. My whole system seemed to slowly shut down---one by one.

A few days after the phone call, my grandmother’s funeral (early May 1999) took place with all of her extended family members as she was the family matriarch in which my cousins acted as the pall bearers. I did not attend her funeral because of work obligations due to the fact that I was the primary project investigator in coordinating a large scale project for a K-12 educational institution that entailed a comprehensive program review of that particular school that included running focus groups of students, school personnel and administration.

To say I was utterly lost at that time is an understatement. Growing up, I frequently visited my grandparents and would sometimes stay over their house during the weekends. My grandmother and I had an exceptionally close bond. At the time of my grandmother’s death, my grandfather had already preceded her in death by 10 years.

This was my first, real deep loss in my life.

I was aged 32.

[Wonka]

RealityTrip (RT),

I will continue to post in your thread...never fear, m'dear!

1-Is there any way for a LBS to know if BD, AP, etc... is part of a life crisis or just simply BD and AP, no crisis included?

It can be difficult at times to distinguish the difference between a simple WAS and MLCer. To me, what differentiates a person who is a WAS from a MLCer is in the eyes. The MLCer is lost with vacant eyes and demonstrates visible memory loss as in Swiss cheese. As for the WAS, they're fed up, overwhelmed and plain angry so they walk away. MLCer's thought process is on the blinker which is manifested in illogical thinking and irrational behaviors.

As far as OWs/OMs are concerned, it is not 100% given that the MLCer will have one. Whereas, the WAS will MOST certainly have an OM/OW in the picture.

2-At any point in MLC Wonka, did you "know" you were in it? Or did self-eval bring you clarity? Did Mrs. Wonka ever think or vocalize those questions? If so, did it make you mad?

Nope. How can we know or have any insight that what we were experiencing is MLC?? As with 99.9% of the population, I bought into the old cliche that MLC is when old men want to buy red Ferrari's and have sex with 20-somethings. Nor did Ms. Wonka ever think that I had MLC...very much doubt it.

As for the clarity part, it was a process that did not include any self-awareness. It was as if I rode out in the deep ocean on a boat and encountered a heavy mist that engulfed me. That was MLC to me. At some point, the fog lifted from me and I started to notice my surroundings...that is the first sign that a person is leaving the MLC--what people term here "leaving the tunnel."

I am not clear on what you mean by Ms. Wonka vocalizing questions and if that made me mad. Can you please give me some examples so I can answer them better?

I feel like it's easy to "protect" our spouse behavior with the diagnosis of MLC, I know I am guilty of that. "Abducted by Aliens" etc... Did you, in the wave of it all, ever realize what you were in? I guess that's my question. smile

Again, I had ZERO knowledge or awareness that I was dab smack in the middle of MLC. During my infrequent bouts of lucidity, I told Ms. Wonka about 1-2 months after BD that "something is wrong with me", "I'm not the bad guy here." I felt suffocated and felt like someone had invaded me. The sense of not being in control was very strong in me at that time.

[Whiterose]

this is fascinating Wonka, thank you for willing to do this, it will help me to process. I sometimes wonder if H is actually in a MLC or if it's me thinking he is as a way to understand.......I have seen many posters mention that their spouse will mention "something is wrong with me" and, to my knowledge, H vehemently denies it with a "there's nothing wrong with me!". I wonder if it has more to do with his family's view on depression and other mental illnesses?

I look forward to the info you post.....

[Rick1963]

"The MLCer is lost with vacant eyes and demonstrates visible memory loss as in Swiss cheese".

That is ^^^^ superb. I remember exw looking like this. Her answer to many of my questions were "I didn't know what else to do but file". When she filed she said that I didn't need a L, was to pay child support, alimony, sell the house with me in it, and she would ride into the sunset on her horse. After we divorced and I bought the house from her she feaked. The mortgage people were about to call the police due to her behavior on the day she signed the lease over to me. Keep posting Wonka really good stuff.

[mj0221]

This is all very interesting Wonka. I appreciate you starting this. I will be following along.

Whiterose, I agree with you about my H also. I have gone back and forth on the MLC thing. Mine has never mentioned ever feeling off or anything being wrong with him like so many others say their MLC's do. Mine just insists life is perfect yet does the most bazaar things.

Any thoughts on this?

[Raine]

<3 this! Thank you so much Wonka

[AJM]

I bought into the old cliche that MLC is when old men want to buy red Ferrari's and have sex with 20-somethings

For perspective and to further dispel the myth, I've wanted both of those things since I was 13. Still do. Not sure that qualifies me for MLC though. I think it just makes me normal

I told Ms. Wonka about 1-2 months after BD that "something is wrong with me", "I'm not the bad guy here." I felt suffocated and felt like someone had invaded me. The sense of not being in control was very strong in me at that time.

Heard those statements several times before. I think that's what kept me holding on for as long as I did and trying to "help".

I'm glad you decided to post this, Wonk. Interested to hear "the rest of the story".

Peace,
AJ

[Ambivalent]

Mine was battling with it for almost a year before the actual move out. I was seeing it, but just figured he would work it out. Prior to that he was in denial, and doing things to nest. That is why it was such a shock. He spent 11,000.00 on redoing our family room.

What guy does that when he wants to leave?

Anyhoo fast forward, now it as if he's doing the "what the logical next step is supposed to be "...Kind of like what happens after you've been dating someone seriously.

The logical step is ...we're a couple, we get engaged, we get married...

He's doing that now, he ran away, now he thinks it's time to do a separation agreement or property agreement.

I can then see him thinking it's time to divorce...it ia all so surreal.

Since we've been together for over 33 years as a couple, everything I read says they take the longest to wake up.

I know he wants a " life partner ". So that will be the "next step" after the big D?

I'm just trying to get support and save the house. Divorce busting along the way. My only contact has been about bills , and in e-mails.

It is so much easier this way. He has no bravery, so he will not call.