Just try to step back & be aware of the thoughts & feelings you are having, then try to focus on anything slightly more positive to break the momentum.
You will gain something from all of this.
Me: 34, Wife: 34 Son: 2 Married: 8, Together: 14 Wife moved out 8/25/2013 Divorce papers received 01/10/2014
Don't beat yourself up, anger is one of the steps of the grieving process. It's natural to feel anger now and then when going through this, and it's great that you came here to vent about it rather than take it out on your kids and/ or H. Believe me, if there's people who understand and sympathize with your feelings, it's us It might help if you think of your H as being mentally sick right now, because in many ways he is. He isn't his old, normal self. His thoughts are scattered, his judgment impaired, his moods constantly shifting.
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I am just absolutely fed up that he can forget (and deny it happened!) all the good laughter, fun times and bonding and just sulk around, barely exist and never look inward or at himself, or even consider what he has done to contribute to this, even in the smallest amount.
WAS's do indeed forget all the good times. I don't think it's intentional, it's just part of the fog. You can't help them remember, only time does that. They do often emerge from the fog and remember there were good times as well, but it takes a long, long time for them to get there.
"It might help if you think of your H as being mentally sick right now, because in many ways he is. He isn't his old, normal self. His thoughts are scattered, his judgment impaired, his moods constantly shifting."
That's a really good point, thank you. I do need to figure out how to shift my perspective on this.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Andddddd we had a nice dinner together as a family and then he and I watched a couple of shows together. Just like everything was fine and normal. Up and down, flip and flop...
... But he went to bed in the den.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Friday night I went out with my girlf friends. When he got home from the gym, and I was getting ready to leave I had to deal with a lot of "sad puppy" looks from him. I don't think I he realized he was doing it... But it was kind of funny considering he leaves me at home to go out with his friends pretty regularly. He was noticing that I was dressed up, and complaining that he had to feed the kids dinner. Super ridiculous.
Then, near the end of the night out I started getting texts from him "Everything ok." Which I didn't respond to right away. When we got home, I chatted with him for a few mins but then went in my room to get ready for bed. He also came in and did the same and then got in our bed. Didn't go to the den. We laid there together for a bit and he eventually said "I kinda missed you tonight." I told him that was good, that I like to hear that. We had a very nice, passionate (which even though we have continued to ML and it's very good, it's lacked emotional passion... But we had that Friday. It was beautiful. He slept in our room.
Then Saturday, I was up and out much of the day with one of our kids. When I came home he was at the gym, and then we got home from that, I went to the gym. One of our kids slept over at a friends house and one of our kids had a friend over - so they were out of our hair. He and I watched a movie, and he had a bunch to drink. It wasn't sloppy, he was a lot of fun. Very silly. We ML that night too and he slept in the room.
When we woke up, he was in a good mood but shortly after said "I hate that bed!" (News to me) and continued with "it always hurts my back! I need to go back to the futon." I just looked at him and said "ok" kind of matter of factly. And then he said "I knew you'd get upset and expect that I would always sleep with you now." I said I wasn't upset. I asked him if he only wanted to sleep on the futon in the den because of his back. He said "no, I just want to, and I was going to last night but I forgot." I said ok. And basically dropped it. Told him I wasn't upset. He really wasn't being argumentative or angry - just kind of saying... And I could tell he was expecting me to be upset but I controlled myself, unlike my reactions in the past.
I guess it really doesn't matted to me where he sleeps as long as we are connecting in other ways. And this weekend we did. I'd love to status check with him in more detail - but I know it could screw up the good progress that was made. He did say last night "this is a great weekend" so I guess I just leave it at that and be happy for the great weekend.
Thoughts?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
I wouldn't quite say we are "piecing" or that we are on the road to recovery - but also my husband is not the type that he would ever want to initiate this sort of heavy conversation. How do I know if we are working towards progress? Is it possible to piece even if there is no clear declaration? Should I be ok without a clear declaration? Maybe I am getting ahead of myself....
We had a little tense moment this afternoon, since I've written this with my H just being in a "mood" and being nasty for no real, apparent reason. He apologized about 20 mins after the episode and said he was just in a mood.... Nothing was really wrong. And I just accepted it and we moved on.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
We'll nevermind. H turned in to a big jerk tonight. Flew off the handle unneccessarily and was mean, making what should have been a fun situation very upsetting. Made me cry. He sort of apologized, but I don't feel better. He's over it and moved on to watching the game with one of our sons. I am left wondering why I am the only one that has to work on themself?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Sorry to hear that. I don't consider ML a sign of piecing together either, W and I are starting to do that yet I see no sign of her trying to be a couple again in any other way.
As for your question, you're working on yourself because you're currently unhappy. If he won't, he can't solved his problems. It [censored], I hear ya.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
How do I know if we are working towards progress? Is it possible to piece even if there is no clear declaration? Should I be ok without a clear declaration? Maybe I am getting ahead of myself....
Oh you'll know when you're in piecing. If you have to ask then you're not there yet. It's usually marked by a very significant change-of-heart in the WAS where they express a strong desire to work on things.
It might help if you think of your H as being mentally sick right now, because in many ways he is. He isn't his old, normal self. His thoughts are scattered, his judgment impaired, his moods constantly shifting.