"When is the MLCer needing to feel you near them...not far? Is he just saying this to have something else to be upset at me about...or does he really need to feel like I'm there for him? And how do I manage that delicate balance?"
YOU don't need to do anything to maintain a balance. The point is that the MLCer will tell you they feel one way one day and another way the next. They look for external sources to make them feel happy when they don't understand that they won't be happy until they are stable INTERNALLY.
He will keep you jumping through hoops which is why they call it a roller coaster. Don't fall for it. Just do what YOU want to do. Ironic how he says he feels as if you're abandoning him when he's the one that wants to separate.
There's no sense in making sense of nonsense.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Angela, I am honest with people because it doesnt help if I'm not.
I wouldn’t have it any other way! Honesty is definitely best! Don’t sugarcoat stuff for me…tell it to me straight!
I am telling you all this because I see you still looking towards him for your actions. You react to his reactions. If he is in a good mood, then you are, if he isnt, then you are upset.
I see this…I know this…and I “think” I’m not reacting to him. But, then, later when I look back, I can see where I was reacting to him. It is really difficult for me to detach when he is still living at home, still sharing a room with me, and still acting nice sometimes. It would be easier if he was just mad all the time…or if he didn’t live there…
Thats why it is important for you to remain steady. You dont get pulled into his anger anymore.
This is the same stuff I’ve been battling since Day One on here…I feel like I’m learning…then, I look back and I’m right back where I was.
It isnt necessarily harder with them at home, just different.
It is all about your mindset, Ang.
The thing to remember is that your actions are always the same - regardless of his.
You are always strong, confident, and calm. No matter what he says or does.
Whether he is angry or nice, you are always the same.
Your mindset needs to be that you are putting your marriage safely in a box and storing it away for now and you are moving forward in your life.
You are figuring out who you want to be.
Put some stuff on your bucketlist. Big things, small things. Things you look forward to, things you wish to do. And then, work towards some of them. If you want to travel one day, check into those places. Nice to have dreams into the future.
Remember that you are worthy, A, and unique, special.
Walk around as if you have a secret. And that the secret is that you are strong and lovable.
Show him strength. Show him who you want to be. Then be that person each day. That should be your goal.
I know that people think that if they could just find the right words, it will make a difference. If they are nice enough, if they hold on enough.
When really, all those cant be further from the truth.
The truth is that you dont have the power to start or stop a MLC. It was destined to happen.
There isnt anything that you can say to pull him out of it.
Pursuing and holding on wont affect the outcome. But moving forward, letting go and making changes can.
The sooner you just accept what is and that you cant stop it, the sooner you get to the good parts. The parts where you become the woman you were meant to be.
So, bucket list. I used to have one somewhere...oh, yes, found it on my blog from 2009. I wrote these four or five years ago...and have only accomplished two of them. Plus, I'm sure there are "new" things to add to the list. 2009 was a LIFETIME ago.
_________________________________________________________________________________ 1) Visit Hawaii….not just b/c it’s so beautiful, etc. but because "H" is part Hawaiian, and we want our kids to know a little bit about their Hawaiian heritage.
2) To run a 5K…..run the whole thing…no walking…and do it in a respectable amount of time. **DID IT!** Followed by a 10k and a Half Marathon
3) To write a novel…I have several ideas running around inside my head…including a book with my sister…so we’ll see what comes of it!
4) To travel internationally, including travel to Europe (Italy especially)…and travel to Australia.
5) To become fluent in Spanish.
6) To go white water rafting for a few days.
7) To visit the Grand Canyon and go camping there.
8) To hike to the top of Mount Blanca in Colorado.
9) To read the entire Old Testament from front to back…not just skipping around. I am embarrassed to say that while I think I’ve read every book in the Old Testament, I don’t have a solid understanding of how it all fits together yet.
10) To be able to do a chin up. (Yes, I am serious. I’ve always wanted to have strong enough arms that I could do a chin up…even if it’s just one.)
11) To donate blood at least 3 times a year. I’m type O+ so I need to be donating blood more often because my blood type can be used for lots of people in need of blood transfusions. **DID IT!!** Actually do it every year at school, now.
12) To visit my BF from HS in UTAH! I’ve never been to see her and it’s about time! _________________________________________________________________________________
I love your bucket list! Keep jotting down what you would like to do and begin planning to do some of them. No time like the present to learn Spanish! There are some easy to learn products on the market that will help you get started.
Go girl!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That is an awesome list. And congrats on #2 - I just can't seem to get the endurance for long distance running - I'm a mean sprinter, though!
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with my brother and parents as a kid. It was quite a memorable trip. It was November, so kind of cold up top, but down in the bottom it was in the 70s. Camped overnight and hiked back up. And... we didn't ride the mules! Walked the whole thing down and up. Oh, and need I say it... there were wild donkeys!
