Chinks in the Armor & still Standing on that Hill

[LoisB]

I can no longer help him, nor do I want too. Now I see how much it was dragging me down. If he gave any indicator of wanting to work on himself, I would try to help. However, I don't think at this point it would be easy for me to take him back.

He has shown a side of himself I just don't jive with, feels strange and uncomfortable. And if he wants to live that way, so be it. I just won't be around to watch it.

That's EXACTLY how I feel today!! Weird.

I've been hit with some tears too. Something will strike up a memory and I'll break down. Just sad for what coulda been and what was. Not that I want to go back there, though!

I'm seeing how much I allowed this man's broken-ness hold me back in my own life.

I'm going forth to conquer.

[LoisB]

And, it's good to hear from you Pud. :-)

[Pudmuddle]

Well since the mediator question out of the blue from H, things have gone back to "normal". LOL. Normal meaning the status quo of two people living together, not in a marriage at all.

He has just been doing his thing, coming and going. Still no signs of being with anyone else. He is here all the time! Frankly, I am getting weary of him still being here. I just feel like if this all is really what he wants, why does he not move out and live this life? Something that still puzzles me.

He seems to have this theory if he moves out he is going to be taken to the cleaners by me. Well, first of all, I am not that kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I will watch out for myself but it is not my intent to screw him over. Handling it with anger and vengeance is totally not me.

I had thoughts about the next time he asks for movement in sitch, whether via mediator or splitting finances I may request that he move out and only THEN will I discuss mediation or D. I don't know, just thoughts I had. Kind of feeling like I would just like to be able to breathe in my own home and come home to a happy place. Doesn't feel like that most days with him there.

Also, I have attempted looking into mediators vs lawyers myself to get the knowledge I need before it hits harder. This has been a little difficult as I feel strong when I start it, and then the emotions start taking over. So hard for me to just 'get over' someone I have know for over 25 years. I can't drop it like a hot potato like he seems to want.

Maybe I will ask this weekend to start splitting the finances and that will seem like a step forward.

Just some rambling thoughts in my head. Feel free to comment, as usual! Happy Days to everyone!

[job]

Pud,
I think it's a good first step to suggest splitting some of the finances and see how he reacts. If something isn't working, try something different.

They all seem to think that if they are moving out and/or are getting a divorce, that the LBS will take them to the cleaners. That is not always the case...but that's what they think. Most likely, in their minds, they probably would do it...but who knows what they think from one minute to the next.

BTW, glad to have you back posting.

[Ambivalent]

Funny Pud, Job,

Mine was all about me having everything. He has been MIA for two months. He also knew what the support was likely to be , even without me involved. Sure hope he keeps that attitude up...

Who knows? Pud, please be careful with mediation. If he bullies, is very outgoing, or passive aggressive, YOU may dear one, will get the short stick!

[Pudmuddle]

Well, here is what happened recently.

I approached H about getting his name off of our joint account, since he has his own account, and also getting my phone off the phone bill. He has had me locked out of that since I discovered OP texts back in June.

We had a great weekend, he was polite, and even asked me to watch a movie with him, my Son was even gone from the house for awhile so my H had plenty of time to talk with me about anything, but didn't.

Then Sunday night, My h walked into my room and told me 'Remember how you said you wouldn't go see the mediator right now and I should just do what I wanted to do? Well you are going to get served papers tomorrow.'

I said 'Well why can't you just give them to me yourself.' He says 'I can do that.'

I didn't even feel anything when he said that. The land of MLC Crazy.

The following day: He just handed me the paperwork, and right when our son was behind us. Sure, son didn't know what it was, but I just glared at H and told him that was REALLY tacky to do that right before S's bday weekend. I also told him 'Did you know you can't serve me yourself in the state of Colorado?' He just looked at me.

I'm ready for it to be over. Just want him out of this house. Blech.

Update:

Since then I have gotten great advice on Colorado family law and where to look for mediators or lawyers. I have been looking and researching but haven't done anything yet.

I wasn't able to sleep the past few nights, so I am mentally and physically exhausted. I found myself bursting into tears for very short spurts and then being done crying. I am realizing the finality of my marriage. So I am ok not doing anything abrupt right now as I know I really need to process these feelings.

I want to get through my S's bday this weekend and then he and I are taking a short trip to Reno for my niece's wedding. It will be just he and I as H has never mentioned wanting to go and seems to be pushing for us to go without him.

I hope when I come back all the furniture isn't gone. Eh, but then I would have some peace and comfortableness in my own home without H there. Ugh. I am just weary of all this emotional turmoil all the time.

Hope you all are doing well.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh, and Hi Ambi! Thank you for the advice, I can use all the tidbits I can get right now. Loveya.

[Underdog]

Hey Pud,

Hugs for you, special lady. I hope you have a terrific trip to NV with your son, and you enjoy his birthday weekend. My oldest turned 20 last weekend, and my youngest 17 on Monday. Birthdays galore!

Here is the mediator that Mr. Wonderful and I used. Interview him? We both liked him because he was calm and low key and really helpful when diffusing emotional conversations and allowing for the appropriate discussions. I can't help you with the L recommendations, but maybe melissag in Newcomers can steer you if you need one.

I hope your furniture isn't gone either. But maybe it will give you the excuse to buy some new stuff if he does? I think once he does move out, you'll at least feel at home in your home, if that makes sense.

Good luck--
Betsey

[job]

Pud,
I'm sorry about your situation...but enjoy your trip to NV w/your son, as well as enjoy his birthday.

If he takes the furniture, you then have an excuse to purchase some new things.

Please take care of yourself.

[LoisB]

Oh Pud, I'm so sorry. When I knew I was ready for the dissolution, I couldn't sleep either. It's been easier since I started the process of sorting through stuff.

I'm just so sorry. What an a$$hole. What the he!!?

I just want to type a string of obscenities about your H. But, I won't.

You will be ok. I know that for sure. In fact, I suspect, once you recover from the shock value here, you will feel those bits of grief over your marriage that you were holding back. And, once you push through those feelings, you will feel free. And, it will feel wonderful. After all this pain, guess what? There's freedom and a new life waiting.

Loads of love to you with tons of hugs and even more hugs.

Heather