Chinks in the Armor & still Standing on that Hill

[MileHigh]

Not much to add, except do keep looking after Pud, Pud! The rec center sounds great. Float down that lazy river. Soak in the hot tub and forget the winter. Find a punching bag and work out any frustration and aggression?!

[BrightFuture]

Pud, great to hear from you and that you are doing well.

Nero, I’m wondering quite often too, why I am here. It’s been more than 18 months, and I’m still trying to process what happened. How the person who was my best friend and companion for so many years just turn around one day and never look back. At least your H is still around sometimes. Same for Pud’s H. It might be more difficult to detach while they are home or constantly in touch, but my sitch doesn’t feel any easier either.

I’m still waiting for this “done” switch to flip.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey peeps. I haven't been posting much because my sitch seems to be in status quo, in fact downright boring. I have been distancing more and more, spending less time downstairs when H is home, doing my own laundry, not having dinner at the same time, etc.

I have to say though, that I am feel very detached. In fact, kind of UNattached. I have been working on myself and getting back to that state where...I love myself again. Simply put. I have done a lot of deep soul searching and have broken down some walls that were protecting the hurt I have felt. I feel lighter and happier than I have in years deep down.

The more I draw away, the more I have noticed that H seems to be trying to include me in things which is a far cry from 6 months ago, even 1 month ago. He has been superman on the housecleaning, made dinner a couple of nights, asked me to help make grocery lists, bought wine for US to enjoy. Distance and pursuit. He even recorded some movies he thought WE as a family might want to watch. It's been very nice.

But here's the thing...I feel like even these baby steps, although nice and encouraging, just won't be enough. It feels different this time, as if it's too little, too late. I'm more than sure this is all part of the process, so I am maintaining an even keel to see what happens next.

It's all good.

[MileHigh]

Keep the SS PudMuddle on that even keel.

That rec center is doing wonders for you!

I think that when we get to a point where they start pursuing, we all wonder about the "too little, too late."

In my sitch right now, I see such a long road ahead. I feel like, I went through a war to get here... and now I get to start over with less than we had before this started... ugh.

You doin' alright, Pud!

[Pudmuddle]

Hello all!

Haven't been around for a while, because it was all just so quiet and boring. Living with my mlc'er who never speaks about much, just likes to status quo. But as of yesterday, here is a new update:

I was in my room, as usual. H comes home from karate and comes wandering upstairs to ask me about the dogs and where are they. He starts talking about his karate class and how one girl really hurt his arm tonight. So I asked if he's okay and where did it hurt.

Then blammo, the question: Have you thought anymore about going to a mediator?

wth? So I gather myself and calmly say: Well, you know what? I forgave you the first time, I forgave you the second time, but I can't forget. I can't live with someone who won't work on themselves, won't work on our marriage and runs away every time things get tough. I no longer want to be your plan B. So I'm over this "marriage".

His only response, was a slight dog-faced look and then 'Ok so will you go down to the courthouse and sign papers with me?'

I said 'You do what you think you need to do. I'm over it."

so there you have it...and I'm not even crying. Shaking a little, but I feel ok at the moment. Might be in a little shock right now too.

*************************

So that's where it is right now. I do feel really good about the things I said and the way I said them. Even as I wake up this morning it felt so right to do it this way.

I have a sneaking suspicion, since this was so out of the blue with no prefacing R talk that he is being prodded by someone to make these things happen. He has not been of his own mind lately and totally buys in to what others say and tell him to do. The sad life of someone with low self esteem and confidence.

This is no longer someone I want to be married to, not this guy. This is not the person I knew and loved for so many years. I can no longer tolerate his not wanting to attempt to work on anything, mostly himself. Not a pretty picture.

I feel good, have had the help of a few valuable friends here in DB land, that have helped me break down walls around my heart. I feel freer than I have in years. I'm back to me, liking me and who I've become. Strong, beautiful and not afraid of my own feelings anymore.

I hope all my friends here are doing well. I really need to catch up and post again more often. I wish you all well!

[JFun51]

Incredible development Pud. You sound really strong and at peace. Good for you! You have really come a long way in the last few months. You've found a place of stability. The best thing is that it seems you have found you again. Invaluable.

[job]

I'm very sorry to read that he's brought the subject up again...but I can understand how you feel. You've come a long way and in the process, you've become a much stronger, more independent woman who now knows what she wants.

Whatever transpires in the days ahead, you are going to be okay, in fact, more than okay. Do what you need to do to make your life better for you. Life is far, far too short to stay in one place for very long.

Whatever happens, I'm in your corner.

[Pudmuddle]

Thank you job, I knew you'd be one of the first responders.

Your support is precious to me. Thank you. I'm sure I will be looking to you for future advice.

Thank you JF. Your posts always lift me up.

[BrightFuture]

Pud, good to see you back. I’m sorry about the latest news. I think you are right and your H got some “advice” from someone. I know my H did it last year, and I even know who it was. Unfortunately, this might not change the status quo. He might change his mind and not do anything.

I’m glad that you feel good about the sitch and yourself. Sending you love and hugs.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Bright! So good to "see" you again.

I think he still thinks other things will make him happy, so he needs to walk that path and figure it out himself. I can no longer help him, nor do I want too. Now I see how much it was dragging me down. If he gave any indicator of wanting to work on himself, I would try to help. However, I don't think at this point it would be easy for me to take him back.

He has shown a side of himself I just don't jive with, feels strange and uncomfortable. And if he wants to live that way, so be it. I just won't be around to watch it.

I did have a good cry last night, hit me suddenly, especially when I watched a certain song. D@mn songs. It was needed and I feel stronger again today. It's all good.