Dragon Heart, sorry to be a downer here, but you touched a nerve about the coaching. I had 3 sessions, the second one was in May and I just had the third one a couple of weeks ago. The first session was pretty much just going over the sitch, gathering the info for the coach. Second session the coach kept asking me what would I need to do to show a different Bright to my H. I had some good points out of that session. The third session was a complete waste of money. The coach asked me the same question, what did I think my H wanted to see in me. I said that I had no clue anymore, since I haven’t seen him since May, I only talked to him on the phone once, and there was mostly just business communication via e-mail. So, I wanted some perspective, but I only got a suggestion to open a Facebook account and post my activities there. Well, I told the coach before that H doesn’t have Facebook, and he is barely on the internet at all. Also, almost none of his close friends have Facebook, so there would be a very slim chance of him learning anything about my activities. I know it would be better than nothing, but at this point I don’t even want to invest any effort and time for a questionable benefit.
As for the DB, I tried different approaches before, not that I had too many changes to do that, since we are almost in no contact. I’ve done a lot of changes on myself. I know that our friends commented on that a few times, and I’m sure they will report this to H. I don’t keep notes about our interactions besides posting here.
I know that you want to help, and I always appreciate any feedback.
Pud, sorry for high jacking your thread. I’m just further along in my sitch, so I have a different prospective. I remember wanting to talk and reason with H. When he came to the city last October (it was about 4 month pos BD), I felt that I just wanted to beg him to stay and work on the M, I was very emotional too. I didn’t do it, but I understand the desire to just make everything normal again. I still have these feelings, especially after his visit yesterday.
You are getting a very good advice here. And the great thing about this site is that the advice will be repeated to you over and over until you get it. You can slip back into your old patterns and somebody will catch it and give you 2x4. I know I need it once in a while, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Dragon, Portia, thanks for the comments. I do appreciate all the views since sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of you.
Bright, I see and feel the pain you are in. I can't imagine someone dropping off the face of the earth like that. I think Dragon had some good advice, I hope to catch up with your sitch soon.
Portia, I'm not trying to stifle my emotions, but learning to detach is hard work, when you've been busting out for such a long time. I'm getting there. I'm learning how to deal with my emotions in a better way, slowly. And for now I am letting him swing in the wind, since that's where he wants to be right now.
So with all that, I really don't have much of an update. Since I asked him to move out, things have gone back to normal, mlc normal. He has been pleasant and nice, hasn't mentioned anything R related, and I haven't cared. I have been getting out more, going to a rec center I found which turned out to be very nice inside and has tons of activities to do. Hot tub, lazy river, swimming pool, exercise classes, weights, bikes, all kinds of things! I could be gone for 3 hours a night doing my own thang!
I have mostly been retreating to my room when I am here and letting him be on his own. He does come to my room more often to ask me things. But that's it for now, nothing new or fabulous. I'll try to catch up to all of your posts soon.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
The rec center sounds great. I like the lazy river feature!! Very nice.
Ya know, "nothing new or fabulous" sounds good. You guys have had some intense conversations and I think he has a pretty good idea right now about where you stand. He's coming to you. I think that's good. And, he's not going anywhere. Leave him be while you float down your lazy river.
Lots of love to you,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather makes a good point. I know you want some action or some movement... but you did just give H two big heaping spoonfuls of "I am tired of your baloney, what are you going to do about it." Now in typical MLC fashion he probably needs about 3 weeks to think about it and another 3 to figure out how to react.
Doesn't that timeline seem about right to anyone else? You tell them something and then a month to six weeks later is when they actually seem to remember it and follow through in some way. lol.
Enjoy the rec center Pud. I think it is going to be so good for you to have your own place and your own time to just decompress and get away from the cuckoo's nest.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
So, you tell them something important. Mayyyyyybbeeeeeeee 4 to 6 months later they repeat what you said which completely blows your mind because you didn't realize they were even listening--let alone recording what you said. Then, in another 6 to 12 months, mayyyyyybeeeeeee they will actually ACT on the information.
Not easy for impatient folks, like me, to watch. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, ladies, you made me laugh. I think my MLCer is even slower. Last year when he came to the house after he was done with his work in another state, he brought a container with the special sauce that he got in one of the states he passed on his way. I thought that he brought it for me and made the burritos. When he refused to eat, I realized that he didn’t bring this for me. He took it to the vacation home. So, this year, he walked in the door with a container of this sauce and tells me that he brought it for me. So, it took the whole year! You cannot beat it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just checking in with you here Pud. I think you've made some strides in the right direction. You seem to have such a hard time appreciating your own worth. H isn't going to navigate and/or change as long as he knows that you are still right where he left you. That's what the detachment thing is about. Let him go. Really let him go. When you truly find your own happiness because you realize you are worthy of love. If that comes from your H when he exits the fog, then so be it. If that means that one day someone else sees the wonderful parts of you and you are able to have another healthy R, then so be it.
Bottom line is that the constant R talks aren't getting you anywhere cause you are trying to fix him. You can't do it, so stop. It makes you feel bad and doesn't get you or H anywhere.
Work on the things inside you. Find your own beauty and enjoy it. Do that first through your own work and then the other part, that love that you so much desire, will fall in place.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Heather and tigerlil, my two funny friends. Made me laugh. I'm glad you made Bright laugh too!
Jf, thank you so much for those kind, sweet words. And...you're right. I have beaten myself down good over the years thinking behaviors of other people were always my fault.
I had a really awesome good friend walk me through this pain one night and we were able to break this hardened part of my heart. It was so refreshing and real that I felt a lightness in my soul and heart that I have never felt before.
This is one of the reasons I haven't been posting here much, everything with H is status quo, I am living my life and feel happier than I have in a LONG time. I no longer wish to try and fix him and nothing I say will change that. His journey. So for now he will just have to catch up! If he can... Because I am flying!!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hi Pud Sounds like you're doing great I feel now that you've detached from him and are working more on improving yourself to be the best that you can be
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
just reading around this morning- thinking how all your comments and sitch(s) apply to me too.
like you all- i'm here, but wondering sometimes why - and howlong i can do it. i too, just want to "be heard" and "be understood". if my h could ever just look at my face and say "i've heard every word you said- i do understand where you stand- i'm workin on figureing myself out" I might have some hope. the handful of r talks, have been instigated by my need to try and understand wtf he's doing & why- the answers hurt- he cannot seem to provide any answer to anything that actually HELPS me feel better. he truly is immersed in SOMETHING - EITHER he's just a rat having his cake and eating it too ORRR - HE IS total tornado of mlc and spinning out of conrol. after all this time (2.5 yrs after total exposure) and maybe (he says) ten years of being unhappy (and feeling free to make me miserable with his rotten attitude). it feels like fifty years.
mwd says in one of her books - "if you've said it once- he heard it and knows it)" don't repeat it.
it's been a hard hard time last few years reigning my self in, both (verbally or mentally) , i am a "talker" and that is a huge part of my life and r with everyone. exchanging ideas & info - about self &life, etc.
that's the most awful part - isn't it? this person who was YOUR companion withdrawing the communication, love, well, your life.
me too- like bright- i wonder if h just likes it the way it is now- i wonder how long i can do this and if it is really mlc or just who he is (now and forever) and therefore, i'm wasting my time and so on. i tell self every day i can always walk away tomorrow. i tell self it's prudent since he is paying the bills and i would be a dope to run away and embrace lonleyness &poverty one minute before i am forced to. i tell myself stfu- i do it.
I SHARE YOUR ANGST at us being guys to do all the "work" here - while we wait on these jerks ruining ourlives.
oh well huh? this db is gonna make us such strong people - i can see improvement in my ability to have patience, step back from a fight or conflict- bite my stupid tongue no kidding0-. of course - h is not poking me and trying to get something goine. or spewing-0 so maybe it's easier for me.
i hate it- but i think it's good for me. i get too whipped up- i am discouraged that with other people i have less of a tight fist on my emotions - and am working on that too. this crappola of my ancient mother and sisters who are not helping and mother is rather argumentative, complaining always and mean streak to boot. i have alot to work on there. i am hopeful it will come also.
who the heck can know? everyone says when we are "done" we will know it- and we will extricate ourselves from this mess of a life - no matter what it costs. i'm hoping that is true.
i liked your list - am working on it every day to0- i guess it's working since i'm less nuts and grief-sricken than two years ago- etc. i have to fight the urge to talk, be sarcastic (fail sometimes) ; be "there". idk exactly how i show i have myh own life when he is not there to see it except one week a month. it's sooooo insulting i could plotz - oh well huh.
i think maybe exhaustion gets us in the end. my h is perfectly pleasant - acts as if nothing unusual is going on in our life- and i think it's such a total wreck in every way. he thinks he is just having his new life as a retired guy and God only knows what. personally i think he quit going to the office and now thinks he is "single" guy again- .
i could die of exhaustion from it all. somedays i'm anxious as hell to have something happen- anything- some recognition or word. ANYTHING FOR CRIPES SAKE....
Most days i keep my thoughts to myhself. talk about casual junk- my gut - deep inside does not allow begging. can't form the words- some one of you said it- and i believe it- to have to ask totally negates it's value. if he doesn't offer "it" - it is worthless.
i don't want anything from this man that i had to "squeeze" out of him. i don't have alot of hope- i am getting a kind of life little by little- we have two houses and the ability to be "separated" and togethr- well, i can't even imagine if it's good or bad. feels bad to me- idk really. it is what it is, i feel powerless totally almost all the time (not pleasant at all)
all i can do is be self- plug along. you are all right btw- it is crucial to not talk, no r talks, DON'T EVEN TRY. i can see his face shut down- i can feel him cringe- he is such a giant f'ing baby about looking at himself and taking some of the blame and guilt. even talking about "us". we did exist as a couple. i didn't make it up- somehow we still do (in this disgusting form) so it seems someone should acknowledge something and then figure something out. we just go along- no one does....idk . i'd never ever have believed life could be so wierd and that someone you love could turn so wierd-
ME- I DON'T TALK AOBUT R HARDLY AT ALL- once in a blue moon and am immediately sorry. it accomplishes nothing at all- except maybe a few crumbs that make me feel good - and then a few crumbs that make me feel totally bad.& helpless. they kind of cancel each other out.
the depth and breadth of this guy's self-centeredness is discouraging. i feel totally used for 38 years- will it stay or go? idk is it absoultely true- idk. is he just some awful peson who lied about who he was forever- idk (maybe- probably). oh well right-
sorry guys to get long- i sure feel all of your comments- all i really started to say was that you can do it- you can rein it in and you CAN control youremotions and words. i'm still "in progress" but the little successes i have make me feel like anything is possible.
we will be wonderful(ER) PEOPLE when it's over i am certain - even if it may be awful outcome. we dealt with what was whammed onto us- - who the heck can know how it all will end? LIFE sure is wierd - at least we found this forum- each other and glad to be alive and healthy ... got that goin for us.
I feel now that you've detached from him and are working more on improving yourself to be the best that you can be