Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[OneDay]

Time for a new thread, Chapt 1 below
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2410411#Post2410411

Arrghghhghghggrrghh,

First I say yes to watching the boys so she can go out New Years Eve, now tonight she come's home after a late night of work 9:00pm and asks if Im going out tonight and If not, was okay if she went to her girlfriends house for awhile. She said she know's its already late but wants to get out for a bit because it been awhile since she's done anything. Which is true. I dont think she's been out with anyone but family since BD 2 months ago. I said no I didnt have any plans and thats fine.

Then It felt like my heart just sunk into my stomach. I guess I feel bad because this is not like her to go out so late especially after working a 12 hour day, and having to work first thing tomorrow morning.

She also had to throw out that I could have the bed and she'd take the blow up mattress, as she didnt know how late she would be and she's waking up early in the morning. (I wanted to say how thoughtful of you, but I just said okay)

I know Im not detached yet, but Im feel im getting there, and trying really really hard. I find It very difficult for me talk or say ANYTHING to WAS and when I do it doesn't feel natural to me. She talks to me like everything is just fine in her world (which I guess It is)

Now to be completely honest, she hasnt gone anywhere since in the month I've moved back home and I've gone out 2 night with friends, workout in the evening and sunday morning, and a few clothes shopping trips.

Im trying not to let it bother me, and the more I type the better Im starting to feel. I just need to vent for a few.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Looks like you got a bit of conflicting advice at the end of your previous thread.

I want to explain why I gave you the advice I did. Its very early in your sitch. VERY early. Right now your wife is done done done, and doesn't care what you think, your 180's, your detachment or your feelings much. She's in the early phase of "Screw this, he had his chance, my marriage is over". She's not interested, or noticing anything right now that your doing. In fact she's not even happy your there right now other than maybe the free baby sitting.

Please pick a thread, any thread, and read over the first 1-5 months. Nothing gets fixed in that time, its usually around the 2 year mark before things even begin to turn around. Usually we see the LBS still stuck during this time, cause they fail to detach. They become their own turmoil.

You've seen the term "This is a marathon, not a race". Exactly.
With that said, this is your chance to detach as best you can.

If you think for one second, she thought in response to your text tonight "OMG he's changing, maybe we can work this out", then I've got a bridge to sell you. Don't do it cause your hoping she'll notice, she wont this early. DETACH DETACH DETACH

I absolutely agree that you need to work the program, you do need to be the best father you can. I think you admit you've already been doing that, so is it really a 180? Were you a bad father before?? Is that something you weren't doing before?

A lot of your responses are almost guilt that she didn't do enough to get out. You cant fix that for her, you cant be solely responsible for her happiness. Your also score keeping, you got 2 nights out and she deserves her time? Your making it your problem, and you think your helping fix her.

This early there is no fixing anything, the ONLY thing you can/should be doing is working on GAL and detachment. Now if you've been a bad father, then I apologize and rescind my advice, but you've been saying you've been a good dad.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

If you've always encouraged her to go out, always helped with the kids, you've being doing your part. Then wouldn't a 180 be to actually go out and not do the above?

Do you think staying home now 2x in 4 days it acting like your moving on with or without?

This is Cadets first 3 comments in his newbie advice:

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Its not 180's, its not stay at home to do what you've been doing all along, its just the opposite. Its for you to gain some emotional control of yourself. Do you have that?

Anyways, I've thrown my 2 cents out there. I understand if you and others disagree with what im saying, and fully respect your choices. I hope you gain that detachment soon, cause in the end, that is the only control you have. And, its the only thing that will help you with your sanity for now. Once you have control of your sanity, then you can try to do things with no expectations.

[OneDay]

Fly and Everyone I really appreciate all you suggestions and comments. Im just tto DB and GAL as hard as I can. Its just so hard to wrap my head around and truly GAL when I've been doing the same thing for so long. Who the heck do you guys out with? Do you go out alone?

Right now your wife is done done done, and doesn't care what you think, your 180's, your detachment or your feelings much. She's in the early phase of "Screw this, he had his chance, my marriage is over". She's not interested, or noticing anything right now that your doing. In fact she's not even happy your there right now other than maybe the free baby sitting.

Your absolutely right, I can see it and feel it, I just dont want to believe it.

Please pick a thread, any thread, and read over the first 1-5 months. Nothing gets fixed in that time, its usually around the 2 year mark before things even begin to turn around. Usually we see the LBS still stuck during this time, cause they fail to detach. They become their own turmoil.

I dont have that long. This could be finalized in +- 6 months.

If you think for one second, she thought in response to your text tonight "OMG he's changing, maybe we can work this out", then I've got a bridge to sell you. Don't do it cause your hoping she'll notice, she wont this early. DETACH DETACH DETACH

I didn't think that at all. I just truly didn't have anything planned and not sure anything is going to come up. I also didnt have anything planned last night. It was 9pm when she mentioned she was going, out. What was I suppose to do say yea I have plans then pretend like was doing something for a few hours. I am tired of lying/making stuff up to my W. I use to lie about the drinking, lie about the dipping etc sometimes lie about where I was going. (Im tired of it)

Most if not all my friends are married. Their and my hobbies include fishing, surfing and hunting which are usually done during the day or early morning hours. Sure I would gladly do more of this, but that's what I've always done. As for going out on weekend nights? What do I have the bar scene? Not good for some trying not to drink. Plus it's not that fun to go out by yourself. Im open to suggestions. Dam I feel old writing this

The only thing I really have that is "different" for me is working out(which im really enjoying) and I am planning on joining a bible study on Wed. nights. That should take up 3 week night at least until 7-8pm.

Would you say this is a Start?

[labug]

I don't think it's ever a good idea to make up things when it comes to dealing with...well, anyone.

I've thought about your first post on this subject a lot. I was surprised at the advice you got, especially when there is no custody agreement in place.

My advice had more to do with your sons than your W. I don't think this will cause your W to suddenly change her mind. That doesn't happen. Only you know what is truly a 180 and what is more of the same from you, in interacting with both your W and your sons. Only you know where your work really needs to be.

Perhaps you and W could come up with an agreement for childfree time for each of you, then you would both get your time away from kid duty, an extension of you talking with her about the picking up from school duties. How did that discussion go?

No matter what happens with your M, you and your W are in a R for the rest of your lives. At the center of that are your sons. You are now showing them how to be a man, how to be a father.

For me exhibiting honor, dignity, respect are more important than a "So there!" to your W.

You have the power here, Scott.

[OneDay]

Your the best labug. you just made me feel so much better about my choices. My stomach just let loose after reading your post. Its been in a knot since I got the text yesterday.

Your right about having a discussion/plan for child-free time. She would plan her entire life out if she could. (im a spur of the moment guy) The discussion about pick up times went excellent, and she was so receptive. I wrote down the pick up times/dates and repeated them back to her. Im going to repeat the pickup times/dates again this Sunday. I also think it's an excellent idea to come up with a child-free agreement time. Like I said I really want to work out more during the week and go to the bible study on Wednesday. The problem is I only have 3 weekdays to choose from, as she works late the other 2 and I agreed to kid duty those nights. The thing is, I can guarantee she will be very frustrated/pissed about me wanting 3 weekday evening plus a weekend day to myself.

Im going to have to put some more thought into this one.

No matter what happens with your M, you and your W are in a R for the rest of your lives. At the center of that are your sons. You are now showing them how to be a man, how to be a father.

For me exhibiting honor, dignity, respect are more important than a "So there!" to your W.

You have the power here, Scott.

I could not agree more and I feel so much better about everything. Im getting such good advice from everyone and I just want to do the right/correct thing so I might have a hope of saving the R. I will have to customize my LRT to my own sitch. Thanks again "everyone" for all your help, I appreciate all comments/suggestions they help soooooooooo Much.

OK TIme to Detach, GAL, Be a Great Dad, Have some fun, quit mind reading, have open communication with WAS, Do some 180's, Have some Fun, Be a great dad, do some planning, GAL, detach etc. ...yes I know im repeating my self here. (it helps, okay)

[FlyOnTheWall]

Gulp,

I'm not sure what to say, my advice must be either poorly communicated or being taken completely taken the wrong way, which would also be my fault. So I apologize.

I'm not sure where anyone's advice was coming off as dishonorable, undignified or disrespectful or have a vindictive "So there" attitude.

It was just to detach and GAL. I thought we were only talking about ONE night out? Not a full agenda on co-parenting, which this has now been turned into.

Some how I think the whole cart has been put before the horse.

My only advice now would be to sloooooo downnnnnn. Many things are going to be changing, some good, some bad, some indifferent. She's going to be all over the place for a while, so careful with too many plans. Plans are great when your detached enough to roll with the punches, I just don't think your there yet.

[OneDay]

Fly, First off, I completely appreciate your your advise. I honestly dont know what to do. let's try to figure this out.

It was just to detach and GAL. I thought we were only talking about ONE night out? Not a full agenda on co-parenting, which this has now been turned into.

I think you might be right that its too early for the full agenda/co-parenting (even though she would love a PLAN OF ACTION as to who's doing what when) To answer your question, Yes, it started off as just one night. I think that labug and I were thinking ongoing as well. The thing is I didnt have plans and I still dont think anyone I know is going out that night, so what the heck would I have done anyway?

As for last night, I didnt have plans either. She caught me off guard and said at the last second that she wanted to go out (Same way I've been doing it to her) What was I suppose to say, No you can't go out tonight?

Here is my thought. If I keep telling her "I" have plans, and "Im" going out tonight, that she will start to do the same. Then what? How am I suppose to come up with something at the last minute when I dont actually have plans.

-So far, when I make plans to go out/workout I either tell her the day of or the evening of. Should I be telling her further in advance or not?
-Im also pretty vague with what Im doing and with who. Is this okay?
-How often are you suggesting I go out and GAL?

The thing is that I agree with you and labug. labug made some great points. This would be a 180 for me to make the plans, but you also make a good point that at the moment she is DONE and doesn't care and its too early. I just dont know which way is the right way, or if I should try a hybrid of both.

I dont know what the hell im doing. Im getting really confused.

[hotwheelsaust]

ScottCat, coming from me I know how hard GAL is. I was stuck in a smallish country town with no nightlife or daylife.
Some GAL activities:
* Take your sons somewhere different - new playground etc
* Get them into a sport to try - gymnastics, soccer
* Learn to play a musical instrument - I learnt guitar
* Bible study - good idea
* Is there a mens club - we had a meet up every 2 months
* Have you checked out the web for local stuff - don't know if you have it anywhere else, but meetup.com - no it's not a singles site
* Try a new sport yourself - run, go to the gym, do aerobics, swim

I would suggest things with the boys without the W, and things for yourself with the W watching the boys.

Fly: your advise was fine with me.

[labug]

Fly, I very often agree with your advice and you weren't the only one who replied. Reasonable people can disagree, doesn't make me right and you wrong or vice versa.

I often say this: For me exhibiting honor, dignity, respect are more important than a "So there!" to your W, or something similar and it was directed to Scott, not in response/reaction to anyone else but on re-reading I can see that it seemed that way. I meant no disrespect and I apologize.

Scott, I've seen it so many times here that the LBS gets caught up in tit-for-tat battles that are nothing but reactive and keep the LBS in the role of victim. Every move made is based on what the WAS has said or done or not said or done.

For most of us it takes a little excavating to get to our core beliefs. But once we unearth them and act according to those beliefs, we no longer have to worry so much about every interaction.

That being said I still have to often do a self check in difficult times. Who do I want to be in this moment? What is my motive? Does what I want to say need to be said? How can I make this a win-win situation?

Thanks for the opportunity to explain this a little further.

[labug]

Scott, I thank you for the compliment but my "best" comes from my experience of making about every screw-up possible in a R and finally realizing that I was the one who needed to change.