ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Wow, quite a story you have Wonka. One thing I notice though, is you both maintained contact and even in each others company for sometime immediately after BD or the seperation. I think what HWA and I have with our wayward W's is almost a blackout type sitch from the get go and without any warning discussion etc. at least in my sitch. This is why I used the term "detest". But I understand you saying they are in pain with their own remembrances.
Even so, they still left without warning and any talks etc. So one can only consider the LBS has to be pretty much detested by the WAS to do so in such a manner. Personally I am ok with it now. It is much easier to move forward without having contact with my WAS since it has been so long now (9 months). I have tried friendly short emails stuff every few weeks and well, I already mentioned the iced over responses.
It would be one thing for her to behave like this if I had been beating her or we had been fighting all the time. But no such things ever occured. We didnt have a cross word for each other almost ever. So if she is in pain today (as you described)and for the past 9 months then options are limited as to why. Ha, maybe she hurts cause she left our 2 lap dogs with me but that doesn't seem logical either...
Absolutely 2old, that is what hurt so much, the lack of any lead up issues. No fighting, no "your wrong" talks, no nothing. But then again, my W is in an affair, so everything I have discussed over the 14 months went out the window. Exactly the same as so many other LBS's, except mine went same-sex. I agree somewhat with the 'detest' attitude, along with 'guilt'.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
The MIL made a surprise visit to my house today. She was dropping off a Xmas card that was sent back to her, due to incorrect house number. She couldn't remember the number of the house. Chatted at the door, validated some things about her, but basically it was all over in 2 minutes. The card simply said: hotwheelsaust, Merry Christmas, from Rob and Lurline. That's it, no Mum and Dad, which they would have previously written. Not to mention she could have put the card in the letter box. I suppose I should be grateful they even bothered to write a card. More than likely, it was a good excuse to visit the house and see what is happening and what I am like. Also my ex best friend rang and left a message on the mobile. We have a shipping container full of stuff at his house, and he rang to talk about it. Returned his call, but he was now out. Funny how ex friend rings one day, the MIL visits the next day.....hmmmm.
With regards to my lady friend, I don't think that is going anywhere. I think that I need to quickly catch up to what the single people do these days. What I thought was the way we acted when it is more than friends, is different to what others view as simply being friends. We are still talking, socialising and riding bikes within a group together, but I have accepted we are just friends, nothing else. Also decided to join up on a singles website, just to see what it would be like. Sent a few emails to possibles, just waiting for any replies. Maybe or maybe not any replies. Life just seems to be so much easier when there is no expectations about anything. I am comfortable where I am at this stage, I am looking for companionship, but it is ok if it isn't around the corner at this moment in life.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Hi HWA It's good that MIL and ex best friend have finally made contact with you Don't worry about the little things like what she wrote in your card, it's awkward for them as well you know. My MIL still calls herself mum, though I just got a cheap card out of the box this year. As regards to your dating prospects, you remember when others asked you if you're ready yet? They said it may take years, but it is an individual thing. I've found a couple of good websites that I'll send you via FB later. Firstly you need to embrace your single life, do activities with your friends and your sons. Don't worry about trying to find a new person in your life just yet, one will come to you I know this to be true because if I'm just concentrating on me and my son then I get a lot of attention Others like to see that you're busy doing other things besides waiting around for that special person to come along. Secondly, who or what is the first person or thing that you wake up thinking about? If it is your W, then you're not ready to move on yet. You have to get over her first before you can consider another R. I don't think about my H anymore, but I do think about my wish list and I don't think this is healthy either, lol. At one time during the holidays all I was thinking about was my wish list and nothing else. I've got myself together again and looking for things to do with my son and my friends. It's important that you're not blinkered. I know you're doing a lot with your friends already and that's good I've thought about looking in the local paper to find other things to do and events to go to. There's not much going on over the Christmas holidays, so I get stuck for things to do. We've been to town a few times, but that gets boring after a while. We've taken ourselves off to other towns as well during the holidays, which adds a bit of variety Anyway, I'm sure that everything I've told you here is what you already know, but I hope there's a bit of a light bulb moment in there somewhere Just adding my 2 cents worth
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thanks TTD180. I am taking their contact as not much in regards thinking about, but it is nice that, for whatever reason, they still initiated it. I am ready and comfortable with dating, just have to accept a lot of things have changed over the years. It just doesn't work as much as it did many years ago. I am embracing the single life, definitely not sitting at home feeling or being lonely. I don't wake up thinking about the W, that time has passed a long time ago. Unless I have woken up to a dream, different story then. I appreciate your time taken to write and ask these questions. Our local papers have stopped over the Christmas and New Year break, so I will continue to look through them for different things that are on. There is a bowling afternoon on this Saturday as part of a local social group through Meetup. So I will be attending that. Hopefully get to meet a few new people. These last two weeks of the school holidays is tougher, most if not all the friends have gone back to work. So I am left with doing my own things: still got to unpack, remow the lawn again, clear out the gardens......etc.....etc.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Having one of those days that aren't positive. I suppose it is because so many friends are back at work, while I still have another two weeks off. So to help, I went out and mowed the lawn, weeded the gardens and made the place look nice. I think the bad moment is from reading 2old's comments by Sandi: "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you". Apologies, if I got the quote wrong Sandi. It just got to me, when I was doing so well. Just shows you how long it can take (still) to detach. Also didn't help knowing the wife is still down here, rather than gone back home (country). The mindreading is going crazy. At least my younger son 19, is coming over tomorrow to help pick up a bed from my Mum's place and bring it to my house. Spare bed to be used now.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
H, sorry that got to you...When Sandi had said that to me it really got me to thinking though...Unfortunately she is absolutely right about that and we as LBS' need to deal with it. I mean it's one of those huge undeniable facts we can't overlook in any way. If we do we are only fooling ourselves and no amount of PMA or GALing can change how the WAS feels towards us.
Like you, I struggle with the "why would you want" but, I know in my heart it has got to be dealt with to really move on....
I actually decided to text the W yesterday, since she was driving back to the country today (didn't realise it was today). Anyway texted to just ask if she would like to go for coffee. Actually got a reply, which from history is about the same type of reply: "why do we need to meet? What do you need to talk about?". I replied just general chit chat about the boys etc. The reply: "they are doing fine aren't they?" So not much in regards to texting, simple back and forth for a few minutes. Nothing major said. Then the W stated that s19, who was with me earlier that day, mentioned that she could have the unit to live in. My reply was no, that comment was said in past tense, that is how we could have worked this out. She then commented with a killer text "oh i see, just another misunderstanding then. In that case what date is your solicitor appt to sign the binding financial agreement so we can move along and i can make my own plans for the future"
Now the 2 x 4's. I decided enough, I am going to come out and say what I need to say.
My reply: I understand you wish to make plans for your future and will work with solicitor to achieve this for you. Remember this agreement is your choice. I am still going to stand for my marriage and my vows. I am sorry if that upsets you, but I will not give up on you, no matter what you do or have done. hotwheelsaust
No reply after that. 14 hours ago. She is driving home to the country today. It was just one of those moments that I had to grab at the time, maybe it was emotional from my side, maybe it was said the wrong way, maybe I shouldn't have said it at all. I suppose it was a culmination of a lot of things: not texting/speaking for so long, talking to my son that morning, missing the wife etc. Right? Wrong? Doesn't matter? Your take on the text? Do you expect she would reply to the last text? Why? Why not?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
2old, no need to be sorry, it's not your fault. It is just another one of those things as LBS that can affect us. Sandi is right, but how we deal or work around that type of comment, is only up to us. Some of us will take it to heart straight away and forget the WAS, some will think about it and feel very hurt for a long time. Some of us will read/listen to it, understand it's implications, know we should do one or the other with it, but simply cannot do anything about it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Don't worry about the little things like what she wrote in your card, it's awkward for them as well you know. My MIL still calls herself mum, though I just got a cheap card out of the box this year.