Sorry it's been awhile folks. Moving, computer lots it's hard drive, unpacking and lots of other stuff. Not to mention the last topic was stopped. Have had quite a few days that have gone past where I have lost interest in working on the marriage. I am still continuing for the moment to have an open mind about this. One of my female friendS I have known through the bike club has shown quite a definite interest in pursuing something more than friendship. And seriously after 14 months I feel pretty much the same way. We have spent the last 3 nights talking on the phone for hours, discussing things that normally would not be discussed friend to friend. Last night was a date night. Won't go into details about that. But it simply was nice to have someone show interest, concern and closeness. Even though it was only just over a week ago that I stated I would stand for my marriage and that is all I can do, the mind can change very easily. I just don't feel any hope for the marriage at all, if anything, the acceptance that the marriage is over. Based on my W being prepared to spend $5000 to have the "binding financial agreement" issued, it again makes me think she is not having any more feelings about the marriage, nor any "I don't knows". I have decided to take my wedding ring off and possibly see where this new openness with this lady goes. I am more than happy to proceed into a relationship with her, and most importantly without having any memories or thoughts about the W. I have reached that point where I can simply say, I did all I could and the best I could. Who knows what the future will bring, but in some ways, I don't think I want the W to be part of it again. I have been hurt by her too much and for too long.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Hey HWA Yay! Go you As you may or may not know I'm thinking of standing down as well from my marriage. I realised today that even though the hug from the decorator isn't going to go anywhere, he awakened feelings inside me that I've not experienced for years. I'm sure that you feel the same and I don't mean the lustful feelings either lol. Anyway, I'm really pleased for you and yes you're right, if your W can spend that kind of money on a settlement then she has moved on at the mo. If she does come out of this MLC/WAS eventually, well then it's her loss. I'm sure these MLCers can still work at their M whilst they are going through the crisis, with the help and support of their spouse. I've known women who have gone through the change and are still with their original partner. Anyone who gives up on their M that easily deserves all they get. Being a Christian I have forgiven my H, but I still feel he's moved on and even though it's only been 8 months then I feel that I'm ready to move on as well. Anyway glad you're doing great HWA and I look forward to hearing more of these updates
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thank you TTD180. Yes we do have feelings that get awakened by these new people. Feelings that we haven't had shared with us since BD, and before for some people. It doesn't have to be, as you said, the lustful ones. But just to have someone who wants to hold you, talk to you more intimately than just a friend. Someone to hold hands with and share talks about the future (doesn't have to be marriage talks either). But what is really good, is the knowledge I have gained in the last 14 months, from coaches, fellow forum members and the books. These have all helped in me feeling comfortable about my choices. These choices are now for me, not for how the W may view me, or to win her back etc. It's about me now.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I think you're doing the right thing. You fought the good fight but if she doesn't want to be a part of your life you need to find someone who does and I hope you find someone who takes commitment as seriously as you do.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
You will know when the time comes to move on and hopefully you will take all you have learned with you.
The thought that someone else cares for you and is willing to spend time and listen and enjoys your company is pretty heady stuff after everything else.
I have decided to take my wedding ring off and possibly see where this new openness with this lady goes. I am more than happy to proceed into a relationship with her, and most importantly without having any memories or thoughts about the W.
And I think you should but do take it slowly – Kate is so right in her post! Minds change! You have been through the grinder for a long time but over the last few months you have taken major steps. Keep working and keep pushing – you know the drill, don’t forget it!
Enjoy! F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Hey HWA. Feelings change but I think the biggest is that you are in your home turf now, where you want to be. You were lonely, and miserable at the old place, even though you tried to make the most of it. A lot of those feelings towards your W were probably a lot to do with needing to make the change and getting out of that rut. You are in the light now, so hanging on to her doesn't seem so important. She is not the entire answer to your happiness. You did what you needed to do. You can rest easy now so go get on with life. Lucky you.
Thanks everyone, it really makes me happy to know my fellow DBer's support me on this. Not rushing into anything at all. If anything the DB stuff over the last 14 months makes a huge difference with how to move ahead in a possible relationship. If this new lady doesn't want to go out today or tomorrow etc, then the self esteem doesn't kick on and make you feel let down or not wanted. Acceptance of another person doing something without you is so much easy to handle. This lady has kids and has just started two weeks holidays. The first week is with her kids, the second week the kids are off to their dad. Therefore she wants to spend more quality time with the kids now and possibly me the next week. Will see what happens. Most importantly: will take this slowly with no expectations (wow more DB stuff). Also will keep working on my DB.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
This is one thing I like about this forum, everyone supports you no matter what you do or don't do GALbaby is right, you are doing a lot better since you moved and it has given you more opportunity to get out and GAL big time Hope your friendship with this new lady friend goes well for you
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
It's funny when people are actually treating you nicely how it affects one's outlook. Especially when it's someone you may want to spend time with as you find you enjoy their presence. Life is full of it's up's and down's. More impressive though, it's full of opportunities for complete turnarounds!!!
As you may or may not know I'm thinking of standing down as well from my marriage. I realised today that even though the hug from the decorator isn't going to go anywhere, he awakened feelings inside me that I've not experienced for years. I'm sure that you feel the same and I don't mean the lustful feelings either lol.