I agree 100%. My WW had her only Grandmother left die in front of her after a long protracted death struggle. It was creepy how the family kept her on death watch for years.
When she finally did die - WW went freaking off the deep end. It was right after that she started her affair and acting like the alien from planet Mars.
Like others, my W had a very tough childhood, nothing in-particular share but certain Dr visits I have had on multiple times Dr's pull me aside and ask if there was a rape ... I do not think there was, but after being here I can tell you W and all 4 siblings have shown varying degrees of MLC behavior, including her mother who seems to have been stuck there (Along with SIL and BIL3)
Time line: 2009 W loses Job 2010-11 We foreclose on house 2011 MIL leaves FIL for 1 year (I think this planted BD seed) 2012 Jun My father dies 2013 Mar BIL incarcerated 2013 Sep BD
This is so interesting. H was never good with sickness or hospitals but in the 2 years before BD I had a cancer scare, my mother died in our home under hospice care, he saw a man die at one of his marathons and H had a car crash that wasn't his fault but could have resulted in his death If he had not reacted quickly.
People think I am nuts to say my H was in the middle of a "perfect storm" that made him vulnerable to an epic MLC but I firmly believe that all of those triggers coupled with a woman who methodically went after him was all he needed to fall into the abyss.
Of course ultimately H's choices are his alone but all the death was very tough on his psyche.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I also believe my cancer scare was the final push for my h. This at the end of 3 years where he was unemployed for the majority of the time and rejected from his top choice school (only school applied to with plans for a midlife career change )
This time also saw loss of grandmother and then uncle after a long fight with Cancer. Uncles death resulted in the sale of his grandfather's home and h didn't take that well and began reminiscing and recreating activities "from the best parts of his childhood" he tried to rescue as much as he could and cram it into our tiny house.
Right before cancer scare h began a new job where he worked mostly with women who according to him were all always flirting with him and everyone seemed to think he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. (I believe the outward signs if mlc started here I just didn't know)
Then he reconnected with OW, a high school friend who he at first described to me as lonely and living a hard life.
All of the rewritten history begins at the tine,of the cancer scare and then spread backward over time.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Employment / Financial stress, growing debt. (then Milestone birthday & "sitch is same" - had expected "better by then". Add illness of close, aging relative to the mix ... kaboom)
LoisB's sounds a bit like mine re h's job sitch. Working hard, "was making other people rich, & where did it get him?"
My own h was not able to handle the illness of aging relative. With so much around me I did not understand the true urgency of his sitch or (the deep level) of his desperation.
-------- With time & growing knowedge more things make sense as they become understandable. However, at the time, the serious nature & depth of all this psychological stuff was not recognized for how critical it really was (didn't really know very much about mlc!!).
An introspective demeanor, or bad moods seem 'logical' by way of deduction, given the circumstances or someone's bad luck (although not acceptable or good of course). They are not expected to be bubbling over with joy anyway. We, the onlookers know life is hard, we empathize - we understand that anger or depression is a result of challenging problems.
The point is most of us cannot make that initial connection from what seems to be behaviour arising from a bad sitch, to that 'deep down' crisis aching to get out, after years of apparent suppression (& no meaningful validation). How could we?!! The average person is not schooled that way - & often learn when it is 'late in the day' ... ie when it has already occured. This gives us new eyes ... & then we can connect 'some' of the dots. The learning continues ...
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
In my situation I believe it was a combination of my wife's sister who is her closest friend and has always picked her up when she is down moving away. She also had a book deal going and the artist who was drawing for her disappeared. So the book deal flopped and that is big for her as she uses her writing as an outlet for her issues in her life. So the combination of these two events most definitely in my opinion caused her MLC.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
I am not really sure but here are some things that have happened. He lost his dad in 2010. He BD in 2012 and move out. In 2013, he messed up his shoulder somehow In 2014, he lost a very good job due to an injury. Since those things, he wasnt able to keep a job due to his shoulder giving him problems. 2015, we had many financial issues and problems July 2015, BD # 2 and moved out
2 months before BD , FIL is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Has 3-6 months to live. Also MIL ( who destroyed her family with her own MLC) decided to tell W about Her MLC.
Switch was flipped.
I have a question. How many out there have other members of their MLC family that have had MLC themselves?
On my W side. Her, her mom , her sister, her cousins (2 of them so far) and grandmother...
Is this genetic? Or it's just the trama they each went through as children caused them to follow the same path.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I went through my own MLC, a tedious, painful journey through hell for me. The silver lining - I made it through the tunnel to the other side and the trip was beneficial for me in many, many ways.
My EXW, 7 yrs later still in the tunnel, her sister had a small one and I think still seems susceptible to another one as she hasn't completed the process.
I think trauma from childhood is the cause. When the bag gets full and stuff starts coming out when you hit a certain age you can't stop it. Some leave a littered mess in their wake, others not so much. All I can now is WOW!! Life is truly an interesting journey.
of the dots. The learning continues ...