Do NOT want a D!!!!

[jbonne01]

T 10.5 M 7.5 Me 37, she 41. Jealousy issues from me in early yrs. Much much better now. Almost non-existent. Made stupid mistakes while drinking. Made another one 56 days ago and boom. We live together, 2 step-kids, 1 grandkid. Can not separate until house sales ($$$ reasons). Rough rough 56 days . I finally said I'm tired and I'm letting you go (with the hopes of her returning) We cried, hugged laughed and she thanked me and said that really shows who u r. Good days/bad days. Sleep together, no sex (trying). Last night her Christmas party. Started at 5P, she came home at 2A. that boils my blood, as we met in a bar and it's r thing to go out. She knows this. We would never cheat & she says she is D for her and she doesn't want anyone else. Plz help me! I am hurting here and at a loss. I've tried the do's and dont's but it's difficult. Just ordered Divorce Remedy. Any advice is greatly appreciated

[KarenR]

I am glad you found us. The book will be very helpful as will the support on the community board. But, I also highly suggest that you talk to one of Michele's DB coaches as they are experts in helping you develop a specific plan for your situation that you will put into place immediately. Please call me for further information. Take good care.

[Mimi00]

While you're waiting for the book to come in, stay calm.
Continue to be kind and neutral. No R talk, no arguments.

Has she given any reasons for wanting to D?
If so, do you find any of those reasons valid?

Have there been any marital issues for you?
Describing how the marriage has been may help you to receive more responses/advice.

All the best to you on this journey.

[jbonne01]

She states she's been off and on throughout the marriage. We've encountered some really bad fights over my jealousy in the past. These are valid reasons, however, I have made huge improvements. She even agrees with this. The only other issues are we had a few "encounters" with other women. I became obsessed with this idea and finally had a moment of clarity after she found out I messaged another female. It was for both of us not to cheat, as I never would. Anyways, those are some good points, but nothing we can not work through. It is supposed to be for better or worse, until death do us part. I have broken the same rule twice now. She stayed 8 hours at a bar and we argued about it. Most recently, Sat. night. I played dodgeball without her and hung out for a bit afterwards. when I got home at 0300, she was not there. I texted her at 4 AM. She was with a male co-worker and another female "talking". I was lived. I sent her an email today (nice one though) just letting her know she is disrespecting me and our marriage with those type of actions. It's one thing to go out, but another to be at someone's place at 0400 in the morning. Anyways..

[AnotherStander]

I finally said I'm tired and I'm letting you go (with the hopes of her returning) We cried, hugged laughed and she thanked me and said that really shows who u r.

OK, well you have to be really careful of what you tell her. If you tell her things and then do something else through your actions, then she'll see that as "more of the same" behavior. So in this case you told her you were "letting her go" which basically meant to her that you were no longer holding her accountable in the marriage. She's free to do what she wants. But what do your ACTIONS say?

Last night her Christmas party. Started at 5P, she came home at 2A. that boils my blood, as we met in a bar and it's r thing to go out

She stayed 8 hours at a bar and we argued about it. Most recently, Sat. night. I played dodgeball without her and hung out for a bit afterwards. when I got home at 0300, she was not there. I texted her at 4 AM. She was with a male co-worker and another female "talking". I was lived.

Your actions say something completely different than "letting her go". Especially this comment:

I sent her an email today (nice one though) just letting her know she is disrespecting me and our marriage with those type of actions.

Disrespecting the marriage? What marriage? You told her you "let her go" which is an acknowledgement that the marriage is over and she is free. So now she's thinking "same old H, still trying to control and manipulate me." Especially considering this comment:

We've encountered some really bad fights over my jealousy in the past.

And this:

Jealousy issues from me in early yrs.

So jealousy has always been an issue and still is. What would a 180 on that look like? How can you implement a 180 on that? Have you read Sandi2's 37 Rules? How does rule 16 apply to your sitch?

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

These are valid reasons, however, I have made huge improvements.

Such as?

The only other issues are we had a few "encounters" with other women. I became obsessed with this idea and finally had a moment of clarity after she found out I messaged another female. It was for both of us not to cheat, as I never would.

Actually you already did cheat. You were involved in an EA (emotional affair) and yes, it is cheating. It is just as damaging to a marriage as a PA.