Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

I have a couple of questions before I post my story.

What is meant by setting goals? I know they are supposed to be short term, but are these goals supposed to be related to the relationship or personal goals. Both perhaps? Can a goal be I want my partner to open up to me? Do little things she used to do? Or more like, I want to go a day without thinking about her? Or I want to update my resume and send it out? I'm just a little confused when everyone mentions setting goals.

About 180's. should these be things that are exact opposite of who she thinks I am? Or things opposite of what I was already doing in the relationship. It's confusing for me because I've spent almost 2 years changing who I was. So a 180 to me is a bit confusing. Example, I used to be very vengeful. Now I am not, so a 180 for me now would be to not do nice things out of spite. BUT she thinks I'm going to be spiteful so should I just do nice things because it is the opposite of how she views me?

Also, I'm not married but we're common law partners with a 3 year old. She used to call me her husband to people and we always wanted to get married. So does any of the info on this site pertain to me?

Also, I've read about newcomers not being able to see their posts right away due to moderation. How long does one stay on moderation?

Thanks and I'm looking forward to any help regarding my story.

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. There isn't one correct answer to your questions, since each situation is unique. The Divorce Busting coaches are experts in helping you get clarity on what your goal is and what you can be saying and doing that can get things on the right track. Whether you are married or not, our goal is to help you make it healthy and whole again. I would look forward to talking to you further. Take care

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a greater group of people who can lend you the support to get your M back on track.

Like Karen said, the counseling is great.

Have you read DB or DR?

[3boymom]

2TH - In terms of goals, I would focus on things that you want to do for yourself. Personal goals to make sure that you are the best person possible - a person that only a fool would leave. You can also have a set of things that you would like to see from your W. They need to be really really small goals. It needs to be smaller than opening up or doing things that she used to do. It is going to take a long time for that to happen. My first goal was to work on me (see goals above) so that H feels less pursued, is a little more warm and does not run for the door when the kids are gone. This is all about baby steps (and somethings there will be steps backwards).

I was confused about the 180s as well. You want to figure out what you dont like about yourself and what you want to improve upon. Only change the things that you want to change about yourself. If you W mentioned a flaw and you agree, then do a 180. Do not be spiteful out of punishment or to get a reaction. Only 180 the negative things.

I think that everything on this site would apply to your situation, even if you were not officially married.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard. Continue to post often even if they are not appearing right away and you will be off of moderation before you know it.

[melissag]

Hi 2TH, welcome!

I'm sorry that you need to be here, but you are in great hands with all of the wonderful people here to give support, listen to you vent, and give great advice.

If you have not read Divorce Remedy yet, you definitely need to do that. It will give you a much better understanding of what we are all doing here!

If you have been spiteful and your W thinks you are spiteful (even though you have showed her otherwise as of late), then yes, you need to do the opposite and not be spiteful! Once one's views of another become ingrained over months and years, it is more than just a little work to get them to see things differently. You have to be super consistent, and sometimes for a long while before she will notice and/or believe it's going to stick.

I understand why they do it, but moderation is definitely a drag. Just keep posting on your own thread and give advice/support where you can on others' threads. I think it took me over a week to get off of moderation - maybe closer to two - but I'm not sure that's the norm. Just hang in there, keep posting, and one day you will be off moderation and be able to fully participate and get great advice quickly.

Hang in there - looking forward to hearing your story, and hope we can help!

[AnotherStander]

Hello, hope you are still around! Try to post with some regularity until you're taken off moderation.

but are these goals supposed to be related to the relationship or personal goals. Both perhaps?

Yes, both. Really you have no control over the R, so setting goals for yourself is actually an easier way to map your progress. Because if your goal is "have wife tell me she loves me" then it may not happen for months or even years, but if your goal is "lose 2 pounds a week for the next month" then that is completely in your control.

Can a goal be I want my partner to open up to me? Do little things she used to do?

It can, but after BD it's just not something you should expect to happen for quite some time.

About 180's. should these be things that are exact opposite of who she thinks I am? Or things opposite of what I was already doing in the relationship. It's confusing for me because I've spent almost 2 years changing who I was. So a 180 to me is a bit confusing. Example, I used to be very vengeful. Now I am not, so a 180 for me now would be to not do nice things out of spite.

180's are doing the opposite of what you were doing WRONG in the M. So if you were doing some things right, well you don't want to do the opposite just because it's a 180! So for example, if you were spiteful before and some time ago you did a 180 and are no longer spiteful, you definitely do not want to do back to being spiteful just because it's a 180. Remember the overall goal- to make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. Strive to be the perfect spouse, father, friend and person.

Also, I'm not married but we're common law partners with a 3 year old. She used to call me her husband to people and we always wanted to get married. So does any of the info on this site pertain to me?

Absolutely. We've had many people here that came here for help but were never married. We have partners from same-sex couples here too. The techniques work regardless of the particular sitch. All are welcome

Also, I've read about newcomers not being able to see their posts right away due to moderation. How long does one stay on moderation?

It varies, depends on the workload of the mod's. Just keep posting in small increments, you'll be off before you know it

[MrBond]

Still around?

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hi everybody! I finally saw my post today after checking every day. I was about to give up but decided to stay patient. I just want to say the members on this forum are amazing! It's like a family. You guys really help each other out, it's actually pretty amazing.

My story is very strange or maybe it's quite normal. For the past 2 years I have been on a crazy journey of self discovery and growth. I may have accidentally implemented some of these techniques.

Ill give you guys the quick story and ill add as I go along.

I've been with my common law partner(I guess ill call her W for short) for a total of 6 years including a 14 month separation. We have a 3 year old boy together. We are currently living with my mom(my dad sort of left us at an early age but still pops in and out of our lives, very weird). I'm 35 and she is 28.

We were together for 4.5 years when she decided she had enough. I had anger issues which I've worked really hard on changing. Through counseling and many self help books and podcasts, I've successfully changed that behavior. My counselor is actually really proud of the work I put in. During my dark period I inadvertently applied some of the principles preached here. I did many 180's, was very patient, always tried to stay positive, I worked on myself and learned so much more about myself that I could change, I always tried to avoid conflict, I bit my tongue off so many times, I always took the high road, I was the best father to my son etc. I learned something from a mother Teresa quote if all places. It's something along the lines of, if you're kind, people will think you have ulterior motives.... Be kind anyway. That is what I constantly told myself. Anyway, after 14 months of working on myself, transporting my son back and forth(we shared 50/50 custody), always being there for her, being patient and even dating!! She came back. This was last April. She spent the 14 months going out, hanging with co workers, socializing, being free etc. that's not to say she was a bad mother. She has a lot of personal issues that have not been dealt with. Abuse from past relationships, her father abandoning her mother and 3 sisters at a young age, being bullied and generally just having very low self worth. I actually believe she suffers from many personality disorders and depression. She is very up and down and makes hasty decisions based on how she feels at the moment. Very defensive. Has had many anxiety attacks. Has very low self worth but also very high self worth. Seeks validation from everybody but me. Has many cognitive distortions, mainly mind reading. She projects a lot. Doesn't empathize very well. I don't mean to make it sound like she's crazy because we all have felt these things, but it seems to feel these things slightly above the normal range. Anyway, I'm going off topic here, so I spent 14 months looking at myself and she spent 14 months looking at things to take away her pain. So she comes back in April and her reason is I'm the love of her life and she wants to marry me and grow old together. I asked my counselor if she could set us up with a coupes counselor. So for the past 7 months or so we've been in couples counseling. It was a mixed bag and I've learned my lesson there. It was clear my W should've sorted out her personal stuff first and I should've told my counselor our goal was to find ways to make the relationship work. My W tried to do IC but that fell through.

So anyway, for the 7 months we were reconciled things seemed great. We kept journals together and it seemed like she was really wanting to make this work. Talked about marriage, how she's happy now, yada yada. But there were still entries about how she wasn't happy about herself. So fast forward to the week before my bday(oct 11), she was scheduled to go on a work trip. Well, the day before she left she had a huge breakdown which I handled poorly. After she got back she told me she was feeling suicidal and wasn't good being in a relationship. Stupid me, made it about myself. I got upset she was leaving me again and she nearly blew a gasket. Threw a plate, told me she hated me and said I was just like her father. Wait, let me back up to my bday. She writes on fb that I'm the greatest bf, father, friend. We went out for my bday on the 12th and had a great time. Then, a couple days later she blew her gasket. There was a couple of days where I wasn't sure what our status was. So I guess it's been almost a month of being broken up.

She claims things were going back into the same cycle. I was and still am confused about this. How can you say and act all lovey dovey then bail again. One of her main issues was our living situation. I agree it was not ideal but my intentions were not to stay here forever. I made an appointment with a financial advisor while she was away on her trip. We were supposed to go together but that was the day she broke up with me. I was taking steps towards our goal.

During the last month it's been a mixed bag. Some huge setbacks and some really good progress. One of my issues was that she was still friends with a guy she had casual sex with. They play pool together and have one on one hangouts. First let me say she isn't your typical woman. She views make/female relationships as platonic. It's who she is and it's a part of her core. So anyway our huge blow up happened after her bday(nov 1). I was originally invited to her bday but then she told me not to come. We had a ridiculous argument and she felt it was best I don't show. Fair enough. I find out(through snooping, I know it's a wrong move) that she spent the night in a hotel with that douche. I was furious and had my first ever panick attack. She said she didn't want to come home to another fight. At this point I thought I lost her forever, but by the end of the night she was talking to me about her day and what's been going on with work. No initiating by me.

So basically for the last 10 days things have been good. We get along, she makes me coffee, we play rock band(she loves singing), she even tickled me last night and we went out together with one of my friends. She's moving out at the end of the month and I'm definitely not looking forward to that. We're actually still in counseling together and she's very close to getting her IC back on track.

Wow I kind of just let out a wall of text. There's obviously more to my story but that's the important stuff.

Any input, insights, questions, reassurances will be greatly appreciated.

I will pick up divorce remedy.

Thank you all and I look forward to comments and posting what I've learned since I actually did reconcile. Although it was for only 7 months. Haha. I still have a lot to learn.

[2ndTimeHurt]

My W also told me what brought her back was my patience without pressure. Although I screwed that up many times during those 14 months.

I also want to add during our 7 months reconciliation she consistently referred to me as her husband even though we are common law. She never called me her bf. I loved that about her. Made me feel like she was in it.

Oh and another thing she said to me... Said she wanted to get married a long time ago. That confused me because we were only back together for 7 months. Was she expecting marriage right after we reconciled? I actually did propose to her before we broke up. Now that I think about it she has left me multiple times. The first time was back in 2011 just after my bday(why does she do that!!) that lasted 2 weeks. She left because I wouldn't go to counseling and she viewed the relationship as toxic. After we got back together is when I proposed to her. Then she left me again just after valentines day in 2012. Again, she felt we were toxic even though we rarely fought. She has this way of remembering only the negatives and brushes away the positives. She does that with everything in her life. People with bpd do that. Again, I'm not saying she is bipolar. I just thinks she exhibits lots of mild traits of different personality disorders just above what "normal" people feel.

Man I can't wait to get off moderation. It's so hard to post or reply when it doesn't show up for days. But I'm sure you guys are all aware of that:)

[2ndTimeHurt]

I also have to mention that she still hasn't forgiven me. She said she did a long time ago but there is still resentment there. She says she can't forget. She doesn't realise what forgiveness is. It's about letting resentment go. Becoming free from the hurt. My counselor says it can take 2 years although she also says there's no time limit.