Me 1 year on

[hotwheelsaust]

Firstly the old link: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...339#Post2394339

Where am I now?
* I will be transferring back home to the city after being in the country for 3 years doing a compulsory work service.
* I finish up in 8 weeks time.
* Both my W and I were sent here.
* My W has chosen to stay - now she has to be in the country for at least another year.
* I have not spoken or seen the W for over 3 months. I have only sent 1 text in that time "I miss you heaps". With no reply.
* I have been paying all our shared bills since BD: mortgage payments, landlord insurance, car/jet ski/trailer registration and the home phone monthly payments (not mobile).
* She did not attend our scheduled tax meeting as both of us have shared investments.
* Tax was still done based on both of us claiming and sharing the refund. Unless when she gets hers done she chooses differently.
* My oldest sons birthday is in two weeks (Halloween). He is planning his own birthday party combined with a friend. I will be flying down that weekend and have planned and organised the birthday cake. I do not know if the W is going, nor do I know what else is being planned.
* I still do not know if my W is in an EA/PA with another woman. We heard rumours about this women, even before my W knew her (she is another teacher at my W's school). The rumours were she was a lesbian, manipulative and dominant.
* My W started being friends with her about 3 or 4 months prior to BD. During those months, it was like an affair was happening. Lots of text calls, phone calls, staying back at work late, excuses to see her at all hours of the day and night. A weekend away even happened the day before BD.
* After being separated and living in the same house for 5 weeks (due to S18 still here), when S18 left to go back to the city for permanent, my W then chose to share accomodation with the friend.
* Numerous rumours have been told to me (whether I want to hear them or not), the W's family have a suspicion she is in an affair (but don't care about it).
* The W has changed a lot of her personality, most noted is the care of our two sons. How we both hated being away from them anytime, and now she is going to stay nearly 1000klms away from them for another year.
* The W visits the family each school holidays, but this has been getting shorter and shorter visits and usually coincides with the friend having to drive down with the W and either stay with her, or the friend goes to her own parents house.
* Solicitors were called in about 4 months ago (by W) to legally start plans to split our assets. I replied within two weeks and have not heard anything since. That was 3 months ago.
* Also, typically, the W's family and friends have walked away from me. Our life in the city was generally her family and friends.


So this is where I am now.
I still love my W very much. I don't know how I would be with her if she came back (touching, etc), but probably the trust issue would be a big one. For that, if the chance ever happened, we would need to start dating again, and also see a MC to help us work out things together.
I know I have made big changes to my faults. They may not be seen by people, but inside I have changed immensely. I am less stressed each day, do not get mad at things they would have set me off so easily. I am not rushed or need to rush anymore. I am calmer and more relaxed, especially at work. I can talk and more importantly listen to people. I can see their point of views and have learnt to not feel that my view is the important one only.

I have a DB session in two days time, first for about 3 months. We decided there wasn't much left to do back then. Now, I suppose I am going to discuss last chances at this sitch. I can at least be proud that I have made changes and will continue ot make changes, but, the most important part is I have tried as much as I could possibly do for our marriage. Whether it was right or wrong, not enough, too much, I have tried my hardest.
And in all honesty, it just seems that the W is moving further and further away. Communication over this last year has been woeful. I had gotten very little response to any texts. We had about 4 or 5 face to face meetings, and after thinking about these meetings, they really were for the W to find out answers. If I sometimes (rarely) see her at the shops, she walks off in a different direction and is always with the friend.
My two sons don't talk about her at all, not in a "I don't care" way, just simply have accepted Mum and Dad are no longer. They seem to be dealing with it. I have tried asking many months ago, but the forum advised this was wrong. So now I just am leaving it up to them, if and when they wish to talk.

My sons birthday will be the first time I have seen the family and friends in over 3 months, and the first time I have seen the W for 3 months (if she is even going).

I was going to write some mindreading parts, then decided, I simply don't need to do it or think about it. If it happens it will happen.

Things that are on my mind, but not necessarily ruining my life:
* The W or family (including sons) haven't even asked if I am transferring home this year (it had been talked about for the last 3 years). I haven't told them either.
* Why has the W not replied to my solicitor reply? Not that I want it rushed either.
* The W has viewed the separation as starting on the 5th Dec, in our country, you can divorce online after 1 year of separation.
* The W still has not mentioned being in an affair, or admitted it. Even though so many signs show it.
* I feel she is going to stay in the country, so that no family (including me) can see what she is up to.
* She knows we have mortgage payments for our investments, but has not checked up on how much is owing, or how much I have had to put in, nor seems to even care if they get paid. Even after advising her solicitor she would owe xxxxx amount of dollars for her share, no replies.


Enough now. I am looking forward to moving on and hearing what the DB coach now offers for me to do. I am following things exactly what I am told to do by the coach.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi HWA, thanks for the recap on your sitch, maybe I should do that as well
One thing that's puzzling me though is why you've not told your sons that you're moving. I thought your relationship with your sons was ok now? Are you waiting until the party to tell them?
I don't want to interfere in what the DB coach has to say about this, but it would be a question that I would ask him.

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, I am waiting for the party to tell them. I do wish to do this face to face with them, rather than on the phone. I didn't feel comfortable about telling them when I was on holidays a few weeks ago. Now I do.

[TryingToDo180]

Oh I see, well yes I can understand that I was just thinking to prepare them before the party that's all, instead of just dropping them on it before the party. That way they've got a chance to tell people such as your W beforehand. I can understand that you want to tell the face to face though Ask the DB coach on Monday what he/she thinks you should do, or have you already made your mind up?

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

Just a short one - perhaps I misread you!

Don't tell them AT the party. It is the birthday that should be in focus and not you or you moving.
Do it in advance or the day after.

I know this is major to you and I understand why but let the expectations go - it might not be that big to sons.

Just my 2c

F

[TryingToDo180]

I'm glad you agree with me F

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry, I am being misunderstood. I won't be telling them at the actual party. No, that night is fun time. I will be telling them the next day.

[hotwheelsaust]

Well just finished my conversation with the coach:

Firstly, just a few minutes before speaking to the coach, I checked my emails, and there is one from the W. "hotwheels, I apologise for taking so long, but I have accepted your offer of the splitting of assets. Papers will be sent from the solicitor"
Bugger, but couldn't have come at a better time with the coach session only a few minutes away.

Some of the things from the coach:
* If I respond to her email, leave if for a day or two, and then respond with a short note. Something along the lines of "W, I accept your offer, I am sorry it has come to this. hotwheels".
* Focus on my future (positives) for moving back to the city, now owning the houses, being back with my boys.
* My W may not know how to get out of her sitch.
* My sitch is like a desert at this stage - cannot see what is behind me, cannot see what is in front of me. Just sand everywhere I look. ie. no answers anywhere
* Continue to focus on my strengths.
* Keep the door open for the W.
* Repeat to the boys, I am open for them to talk to me if they wish.
* Let the boys know I am transferring back.
* Basically, there isn't a huge amount I can do with this sitch (apart from above). This is one of the hardest type of WAS sitches, where there is no contact, but simply a huge wall put up.

My next session will be determined by the future, but the party in less than two weeks will probably lead to the next session with coach.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

I believe that's a rough e-mail to open and I feel sorry you had to.
On the other hand it settles some things for you and that’s good!

I like the picture of the desert. It describes many sits perfectly and at the same time every desert has its oases and more importantly it ends somewhere. It’s just about staying on the right course and not going in circles.
IMHO you stopped circling a long time ago and you are heading straight out of the sand.

Just keep your eyes on the compass and keep moving forward!

I agree with the advice given. Send W a SHORT mail to let her know you received hers. Consider posting your answer here and get some comments before you press the button.

F

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks F, that was a quick reply.
There really isn't much I can do now, apart from trying to PMA and GAL. And leave the door open for her.
At least I will not have the issue next year of whether I have to move out/sell the house. Now I have to get the bank to agree with me to pay out the W.
The desert scenario, wasn't as much about circling, but more the trust of what is ahead, even though it cannot be seen.
I will post the reply to the W up her, but it will probably be pretty close to what I wrote above. The DB coach agreed to that while we were talking.
The email was rough to get (again, why not just the solicitor letter?), and didn't need to be done (showing care?). But did come at the best time (if there ever was a good time) just minutes before the coach session.