Who knew I would be back here after a six year absence. A lot has happened in those six years - ex-wife had several relationships - I had several relationships - kids decided that they did not want to see me anymore 4-5 years ago - alimony came to an end two years ago but still paying child support.
So why do I find myself back here after six years? That is a question that I am embaresed to answer; I did not take what I learned to heart nor did I continue to change. Basically fell back to my same old ways and boy did I pay for it again.
I started dating about six months after my divorce back in March 2006. Met several great woman but found myself attracted to one in particular who was divorced one month after me; she had two kids and so did I. That lasted about 3 months and ended when she realized she was devoting more time to us than her kids. I saw the end coming and prepared myself using DB techniques and that was that.
Met several other woman and had some nice dates but not a whole lot of chemistry. Then I met a woman who I shall call L. All I remember was seeing L sitting at the bar waiting for me to arrive. She looked great and we actually hit it off right away. I had no idea what was in store for me, but L surely did. Ended up at her place and had sex that night; a first for me on the dating circuit. Turns out that all L wanted was a fling and I had no issues with. That came to an end after about 3 months. L said it seemed like a relationship and want ed to end it so I left and cut all contact. Well she called 3-4 months later and we got together just as friends. Then no contact for another 4 months when L reached out again. This time we went back to her place and it as obvious where that was going. This time I wanted no part of that after she told me about what she had been up to. I basically ran out of there as fast as could. That was the end of L early 2008.
In mid 2009 a coworker introduced me to an old GF, a nice woman from Togo who was a single mother, and we dated for awhile. She came across as way too needy for and I was not attracted to her as a result. Although she was a great person and mother. I told her this and also that I had no romantic intentions with her, but she kept pursuing.
This is about the time I stopped dating and just started to do things myself. However they were not things I should have been doing like completing my degree and then following up with my Masters. In 2010 my car loan was paid off and then in 2011 alimony came to an end. I had excess cash and started to travel, redid my wardrobe in preparation to do some serious dating and just enjoyed myself. No serious dating happened though. Probably due to my carefree attitude.
Then the fateful day of my reckoning came although I did not know it at the time. The day was Thursday evening, March 28, 2013. I had worked the night before and woke up around 4 PM - had my coffee while watching CNBC - went out and did some errands - went for my workout at the YMCA. It was a drizzly evening about 40 F and I felt like going to my favorite place for a bowl of chili and a beer. I did not even go home to shower and change. Just went in shorts, t-shirt and my olive green sweatshirt that has "Canada" written on the front. I walked in just before 9 PM and there were not many people at the bar (Joe's Bar and Grille for those interested).
As I walk in I scope out the scene for a free seat. That night I chose the left end. One seat away was a blonde who looked a little too young for me, wearing glasses and drinking a martini; I will call her A. The bartender was a Brazilian woman I will call C. I have know C for at least 4 year at that point and started talking with her and so did the blonde. Cutting to the chase the blonde and I start talking and she lets me know how old she by telling me what year she graduated from high school (she is 46 and I was 50, now 51). She talks about her trip to Egypt back in 2005 to which I thought "Wow this is an adventurous woman". I told her about my trip to Iceland last year etc. She then tells me she studied Physics and I was most interested. The clincher came when I told her that I studied Biochemistry (true but did not finish) and was working on my MS in Bioimformatics (false). We talked till closing time 11PM and exchanged numbers. We met that Saturday night and hit it off right away and had an awesome time.
So right away you can see where this is going right? Why did I lie to her right from the start? Why do men lie to women they meet? The ones that do, myself included, do so to impress and that is pretty darn sad when you think about it. Boy am I regretting it now, cause I soon found out I did not need to do that and that is why I am back. She was actually interested in me for me.
It ended two weeks ago and realized then that had I continued to be a DBer it would be going on right now. Had I continued to make the changes and better myself - finish my degree and be working on the MS - we would be together enjoying a most joyous relationship. The one I have been looking for these past 8 years. So...now I have decided to start over from square one and do those things I should have done years ago. It was an old DBer from my first time here who has motivated me. He went by the handle of TwinDragons and has made enormous progress from those days.
Now I would appreciate a good hard slap in the face for being such an idiot...
I am glad you are back. I guess you gave yourself the hard slap in the face, because you now have insight into what you might have done wrong. But, now it is time to move forward...there are lots of resources on this site. You can also talk to a DB coach, they not only work with individuals when they are in a relationship, but also guide people on how to take care of theirself and be the person they want to be to attract the relationship they want to be in. I wish you all the best.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thanks for your support and kind words Karen. Everyone here is great. If only I had done the work 7 years ago. Never too late to start right?
My Initial post was way back at the beginning of October. There have been some major developements and insights into what happened this time around. On October 15, I finally got an email from A and it was scathing to say the least. A really layed into me like my exwife never did but should have. This is what she said that I am pretentious, never followed through on what I said I was going to do, I lied and was deceptive, did not make good choices, was unable to respect other's privacy and am lazy. In finishing she stated that she did not think I could be a real friend to her or anyone else. She said she did not say these things before so as not to hurt me, but I pushed her and here it is. Wow...it did hurt but for all the right reasons. I mean I had this coming as I said before. This was the kick in the ass I needed to get me moving.
I responded to her comments with an apology and told her the truth about things I had lied about. I thought, or rather hoped in a manipulative way (yes I know bad), that she would at least me making an effort and reconsider the friendship thing. Actually I think it made things worse. Anyway...October 25, I sent her and email regarding my Netflix account which she was still using. She finally responded asking me to deactivate her TV, which I did. She also replied that she "was not ready to talk with me" and that "she needed concrete actions from me to show her I am worthy of her friendship, by telling her everything". I did that and have not heard from her since. I am now realizing that I probably never will and it is a hard thing to come to terms with.
I am in therapy again, not for the divorce or break up, but to try to understand what makes me do the stupid things I do. It is working and I am seeing myself for who I really am and I dont like it. The way I treat people who I call my friends especially. I am now trying to reconnect with friends I have neglected for years. I have opened up communication with my exwife in the hopes of seeing my son and also to be on better terms with her. Basically I am trying to make the better choices, not be pretentious and just be a much better person all around. This is going to take some time but I now see what I should have done 7 years ago; crazy as that sounds. Maybe A and I will get back together and start a new relationship (my true desire) or I will meet someone else. In the end I will be that better person I strive to be and that is all that counts.
So I guess the question is whether I should continue limited contact with A or just walk away?
I am in therapy again, not for the divorce or break up, but to try to understand what makes me do the stupid things I do.
Because your human, now is the time to move forward. Try not to beat yourself up to bad, make the changes for you to be better.
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I am now trying to reconnect with friends I have neglected for years. I have opened up communication with my exwife in the hopes of seeing my son and also to be on better terms with her. Basically I am trying to make the better choices, not be pretentious and just be a much better person all around.
Thats good, reconnect and build trust with your family and friends. Do you think you used this lady as an escape from the pain of your D? Have you read co-dependent no more?
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This is going to take some time but I now see what I should have done 7 years ago; crazy as that sounds
Take the time to work on you. I have been 1 year since my X moved out and a few months since the D was final... I'm still working on me before I jump into the dating pool. I don't want to rush into anything until I'm ready.
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So I guess the question is whether I should continue limited contact with A or just walk away?
I guess that depends on her, if she says she does not want contact then what can you do? Walk away is a harsh term, I say work on you and be available if she chooses to communicate with you. GAL, read maybe pay for coaching def. continue with IC.
Good luck 51, I hate that you find yourself here however there is a bunch of great people here.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thanks for the great advice subguy. Answering your questions and they are good ones.
"Do you think you used this lady as an escape from the pain of your D? Have you read co-dependent no more?"
The pain from the divorce was long over for me. Initially I think I did use A more as an escape for my lonely empty life and that is pretty pathetic. I did not see this until she sent me that earth shattering email back in October. Back in March 2011 alimony payments ended and my exwife had to pay me the remaining equity from our house. So I had an extra $500/month plus almost $20,000. Paid off any and all debts I had and started having a good time again. Basically reverted back to some bad habits. Went out and bought a new wardrobe, went to visit my brother in Las Vegas and bought new car. I thought looking good would attract the woman and could not figure out why it did not (pretty damn shallow). I don't know why it took me so long to realize that "It is not the clothes that make the man, but the man in the clothes".
GAL is exactly what I am starting now. I love animals, especially cats, and have volunteered at a local cat shelter; time for me to do something good for a change. Signed up for some meetup groups in my area and will make new friends this way, plus get out. In the process of getting a loan for school to finish my BA in Biochemistry. Have six classes to do and if all goes well will be done Dec. 2014. In therapy for my deeper issues that I never confronted just after my divorce.
Subguy you are so right in choosing not to date until you have done the work on YOU. I thought I had done that only to find out I had done nothing. Yes A has pretty much made it painfully obvious she wants nothing to do with me. I am sure she feels that I totally was using her and it sure would appear that way by my actions. So I can't blame her for wanting nothing to do with me. Then she is a woman of her word and said that "she needed concrete proof that I can be a friend" and to come clean with her. I did that back in early November. Now I just have to try to forget about it since I do not control her. The sooner I GAL and move forward the better off I will be. If she does contact me it will be on her terms obviously. At least I know her schedule (a blessing and a curse) as far as frequenting common places and I know her car. For now I am going to avoid places that she is at; I am just not emotionally ready to cross paths with her.
Yes...everyone here is great. People here really care for others going through this. I met a bunch of great people 7 years ago.
Subguy...thanks for your response and input. Answering your question with respect to "using A as an escape from the pain of my D". No...the pain from my D is long gone. Before I met A I was just doing my own thing and so was A. She had taken a year off of work, starting July 2012, and her dog Murphy, who she loved dearly, passed away mid January 2013. So when we met and started to date we both filled a void in our respective lives. We just had so much fun together and fell in love. It was not until we broke up that I realized how truly empty my life before A was and how much I missed the fun we had together. Also, I realized that over the past few years I have really neglected my friends which is not what a friend does.
Now I am reversing that trend and reconnecting and getting more involved with other things. Signed up for some meetup groups and yesterday my student loan was approved! That was huge for me as I can now complete my BA in Biochemistry end of 2014. Then, in 2015, I will start working on my MS in Bioimformatics and get back into research.
