Wife moved out, won't come back home

[newton0]

Hi All, my wife moved out several weeks ago after an argument & refuses to come home 'to the same thing'. She has agreed to joint counseling and we have been to three sessions so far, but she is keeping me at arms length which is getting very, very tiring. The counselor is trying to get her to come back to the home, but so far she refuses. We have dinner out once or twice a week and all I get is a hug. Sometimes she will text me, other times days will pass with no contact. She is very unhappy with her own personal life as well, and the counselor is trying to work on that with her as well. I've offered her to come home with me staying in another room, but she keeps saying she's not ready. She's renting a room from someone on a week-by-week basis.

I know my choices are to simply do nothing and give her space & continue the therapy while focusing on my own happiness, or file a separation agreement.

It would almost be easier if she served me with papers & ceased all contact with me.

I'm almost finished with Divorce Busting, but this living in limbo is a very difficult place to reside for me.

<sigh>.

[JayMan]

Join the crowd! I've been here a month now with very little progress, others have been on here 5 months, others have been on here for YEARS.

I also guarantee probably everyone on here has felt like throwing in the towel many times, but you pick yourself back up.

I'd stop asking her to move back in - if it comes from a counselor, fine, but NOT from you. Also, what do you do in your spare time? How do you keep yourself occupied?

[newton0]

Hi Jon, yes, I am going to stop asking and I am going to back off. The problem with the latter is then she seems to infer that I'm not interested and don't want her in my life.

It's a silly game of cat & mouse.

I don't have a lot of spare time between work, working-out, keeping the house up, and riding motorcycles, which I guess is a good thing!

During the last session, the counselor said 'your wife is 90% checked-out of this marriage and 10% in'.

The distance, both emotional & physical are doing nothing toward solving our problems; I see it as only exacerbating them.

Ce la vie!

There is no way I will wait indefinitely however. One time she left for close to six months (granted while providing Hospice care to her father), and I met someone during her absence that I came very close to leaving her for. Sometimes I regret that decision.

[sandi2]

I see where you registered in '02. Do you have a post that tells your original stitch?

[MrBond]

I've read through all of your threads since 2002 and I haven't seen you ever post about your M problems. You mentioned your depression which caused your W to leave in the first place 11 years ago and now you say that you had met someone before that you were thinking of leaving your W for?

What is your REAL marital history? The more info you give the more help you will get. And be honest.

[Breakdown]

djhartm, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I agree with 007 that we need some background on your M.

Your complaints seem fairly selfish and shortsighted. What are your W's complaints? What are the issues in the M that need to be addressed? What are you doing to make yourself the husband only a fool would leave?

[newton0]

This is my second marriage. We began having problems back in 3008 when we moved from CA to NC to a house she 'just had to have'. The same problems from my first marriage came right back, chiefly inability to communicate, which led to needs not being met and hurts building up to a point of detachment and contempt. Since then we have separated many times, some times as long as six months. Upon getting back together, we would work for a few weeks on the marriage then stop. Nothing was ever resolved. Eventually, we turned into a largely platonic couple, devoid of intimacy on any level. I was very unhappy, but could not figure out a way to grow and facilitate change. This lead to excessive drinking, affairs (on my part), and blow-ups caused by alcohol.

The last six months I noticed W seemed to be simply 'there'; in essence she gave up trying, which made making effort on my part very difficult. She seemed 'OK' living in this manner as long as I didn;t rock the boat with alcohol fueled arguments (where I let my frustration out).

Things were going OK before the last blow-up, but I felt she was being cold to me and I wanted desperately to be close to her, simply to hold her hand. I had been drinking, and while we were watching a movie, got up, got dressed, and said I was going out to meet someone who really wants to be with me.

And I left.

When I came home, she was gone.

I did my usual pleading and apologizing, but she would have none of it. She's been gone three+ weeks now. And while we have been attending joint therapy, there has been little forward progress. She can't or won't articulate what she wants, and the last session was entirely about everything I did wrong in the marriage. The therapist said she is suffering from depression (which I have been telling her for years), but she dismissed that claim as something I was trying to use against her in a divorce.

I was finally able to get her to see our primary care doctor today for blood work and depression (she is chronically tired), but she told the doctor she wasn't really that depressed and got a low dosage of something if she wants to try. I was very disappointed when I found that out.

I have stopped drinking, and am trying to work on the marriage but she is giving me NOTHING! She is very unhappy with her own life (feels she's wasted the last 11 years and hasn't advanced at all career-wise). She has a job that makes her miserable but won't quit since it's 'all she has'. She hates our house (feels isolated and trapped because she claims I don't want her friends over, which is patently untrue and the therapist said was a communication misfire).

Yesterday I stopped by at her work and dropped-off a coupon for a massage I pre-paid for her and new mouse for her laptop which was broken. She seemed happy & texted me stating gratitude later, but then goes out for lunch with her friend despite the fact that I asked her to lunch today.

Madness!

I'm tempted to file on one-hand and get back on Match and be through with this.

The only other option is to detach and focus on myself and not be affected by her actions or lack thereof.

The problem with the latter is that her behavior is largely based upon her interpretation of mine towards her. She feels that I want to dispose of her for someone better, so if I disengage, I run the risk of confirming her erroneous belief.

We have a therapy session on Friday, but I am tempted to blow it off and go on a motorcycle trip with friends. She could always go alone (and she should as she has a lot of issue to work through). Again I'm afraid she'll interpret this as me not caring...

I've asked the therapist for advice on this.

[MrBond]

You still haven't discussed your marital problems. Tell us about what your marriage problems were. You do understand that you play a big part in this right? If you don't learn what your mistakes were in this marriage, it doesn't matter how many times you go on Match. You'll end up here again with a third wife.

What were some of the concrete problems she had about you?

[newton0]

Lack of communication led to me seeking my needs being met outside of the marriage.

Off the top of my head:

1) She feels I want to get rid of her for someone 'better'
2) She feels I am not happy with her lack of earning/job status (I am not), and she does absolutely nothing about it other than wallow in self pity
3) Feels I never want her friends to visit at the house or that I want to go out with either her or her friends (again, false)
4) Feels she 'has nothing'
5) Feels she has accomplished nothing
6) Has no self-esteem/worth/confidence (yet refuses to do anything to improve them)
7) Hates her job (but won't quit)
8) Claims people in NC don't like her because of her accent (she is Quebecois)
9) Claims she is discriminated against by people in NC because of her accent
10) is clinically depressed but won't get treatment
11) Is essentially an unhappy person to be around
12) Claims she can't talk to me (partially true - I am working on that in therapy)

But hey, she is OK with spending my money living on her own.

[Mimi00]

Sounds like you're wayyyy too focused her her "issues" and not looking in the mirror at your self. This is your second marriage; what are thing negatives you're contributing to the marriage that you need to make 180 changes one?

You can't control anything she does or doesn't do... all you can control is you and making changes for your self will make you happier and just maybe that will inspire change in her as well. Lucky for you the switch hasn't clicked in her head and she's not yet threatening D, so you have time to turn this around, if this M is what you want, or like Mr Bond says, you'll be on to wife #3 with the same issues.

Lack of communication led to me seeking my needs being met outside of the marriage.

Off the top of my head:

1) She feels I want to get rid of her for someone 'better' <<<< You posted that you feel like being done and going on Match to find some one else.... so this seem like it's not too far fetched
2) She feels I am not happy with her lack of earning/job status (I am not), and she does absolutely nothing about it other than wallow in self pity <<< Be happy she has a job, so many people don't. Support her in what she does, fill her with encouraging words that will help facilitate her wanting more. What are her interests? Take her places that will inspire her so that she doesn't feel like the job is "all she has" and one day maybe she'll get the courage to step out into a new job arena.
3) Feels I never want her friends to visit at the house or that I want to go out with either her or her friends (again, false)<<<<If this is false, why not invite some friends over for a gathering, or maybe go to dinner with another couple that you both get along well with. Do this once or twice a month.
4) Feels she 'has nothing' <<< Again, support her, listen to her. But know you can't fix this & this isn't your fault; this is something she'll need to work on. But validate her and let her know you're there for her.
5) Feels she has accomplished nothing ^^^^same as above
6) Has no self-esteem/worth/confidence (yet refuses to do anything to improve them) ^^^^see #4
7) Hates her job (but won't quit)<<<back to #2
8) Claims people in NC don't like her because of her accent (she is Quebecois)<<<Listen & Validate her opinion, but let her know you love her accent.
9) Claims she is discriminated against by people in NC because of her accent
10) is clinically depressed but won't get treatment
11) Is essentially an unhappy person to be around
12) Claims she can't talk to me (partially true - I am working on that in therapy) <<<< what is it that you do that makes it hard for her to talk to you?

But hey, she is OK with spending my money living on her own. <<<Do you say "My" money like that to her.... "my" is definitely a relationship killer...it's "our"...no matter who works for it.

It does seem like your wife is depressed, I know the feeling of not feeling "accomplished". I would tell my husband all the time.... I didn't want him to fix it, I just wanted him to listen. Unfortunately he took it on as a burden and felt he wasn't able to make me "happy". Not realizing just b/c I had a few complaints, doesn't mean I am unhappy totally w/ my life. So listen to your wife and love her through this. What she is feeling is real. Do you know what her love language is? Continue to do things to brighten her day when you can, but have no expectations to get anything back from it. Also, lovingly detach (don't let her feelings control your feelings, work on yourself and become and better you, for you.