Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I get the joy Of rediscovering you Oh girl, you stand by me I'm forever yours, faithfully
I have wanted to be able to have this as a thread title ever since TVS suggested this song for me. (Brings tears to my eyes to just read the lyrics.)
I wanted to wait till some ring or renewed vows, but truly, for one, that could be a looong time, lol! And secondly, I have learned to understand the heart of the M isn't in the wedding, the ring, or the shared last name. It's a matter of a joining of spirits and purpose. And H seems fully, fully committed.
~ ~ ~ ~
uRw thank you for your posts. I was feeling somewhat low and unconfident. You have just the right things to say, and I'll be fully joyous in my H and my journey together!
mizjjd, yes I think I understand! And funny about "getting out now"! Indeed! But it's sweet relief to look at it from this side.
I actually asked H a blunt question yesterday. "Do you want to be single again?" I felt sometimes he chooses "single type activities" (see my update, next post) he said, "no". I don't think I'll do that again. What if he had said "yes"?
He said in MC he is prepared to do "whatever it takes" to make this M work! Wow! I was thirsty to hear that!
Hi RL, sweet as always! I knew my H was "in there" somewhere. I'm convinced now you can tell so much by their eyes. His eyes were so different during MLC. Now they are normal, kind and loving.
BF! I still love that name! Yes, there was plenty of hurt and despair! I never thought I could forgive H for some of the things he did and some of the ways he was. Yet I have, truly in my heart, mostly forgiven him. We certainly have a loving and wonderful M again; H told me yesterday "it's up to you now....to make this thing work or not."
Hi labug!! So good to hear from you....ya...radding occasionally can be great fun, lol!
I do love to write, but haven't thought of it. At the health club I joined recently, a man on the neighboring stair climber said he is an "adventure writer". He goes off and does adventures and writes magazine articles about them! Can't believe he can make a living that way, but it would sure be an exciting thing to do! I could dip my toe in the water somewhere and see how it goes!
T^2 and Mm ... you make me blush! I'm glad it has been of some help! I feel at times I've been too detailed, but it helps me to know that "paints a picture" and allows the reader to enter the scene.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
It's that time of year I love so well: our prairie grass is full and grown with large purple, slender gray-green or feathery cream seedheads nodding with the gentle breezes.
H & I are getting along very well, but I have been worrying and fretting in our transition to day-school for S13. So many new things to remember and a whole new routine! So my shoulder froze up so hard I thought it was a torn rotator cuff! After some X-rays and chiropractic work, it looks like it may be just stress. Ugh!
So I've been "tapping" with good results and if that works and I get full use of my shoulder again, I won't have to get an MRI.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This week, I saw that H posted on FB he was going to a car show event with Hooters-type girls. It annoyed me so much, even though he had mentioned it before,
So...I gave him the cold shoulder (the one that was frozen, lol!) and we did MC yesterday.
The MC said that when children are raised a certain way, it runs deep, very deep.
My H was raised with the idea that men get to to whatever they want and his mom encouraged this. (Only with her son, not her H!). My H was too shy to take advantage of that attitude when he was a teenager, but he is enjoying the idea now. He chooses to do things, occasionally, that I think would be appropriate for single guys to do.
I was raised with "do the responsible thing" and "the W and H socialize together".
It was interesting to talk about these cultural/family ideas we bring to a M.
We decided that I should use more humor when viewing events H chooses that I see as "questionable" and recognize H is doing his part -- going out FAR less and coming home at reasonable hours.
We decided HE s/b sensitive to my fears and continue to prove his trustworthiness.
He somehow thinks that in the short amount of time (relatively) that he has been back, that my trust should magically reappear. In his own words last year, he claimed, "trust takes years to develop. It's not easy and not a short process."
I tried to forgive this oversight.
MC also said I should go out of my comfort zone. Last time he asked me to a group activity I said no. I really didn't feel like going. She said I need to get out of my comfort zone as a way to meet H's new friends and familiarize myself with his social group. So then when he chooses to go alone, I will have some idea of what it is like.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
On a happy note, we have tickets to "Wicked" Saturday night. H bought them months ago. He asked me if I would like to stay overnight at one of the finest hotels in the metro area! He has a free night's stay he wants to use.
I may have to pull out that little black dress while the weather is still warm yet! I want to blend in with the theme of "Wicked"!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
This week, I saw that H posted on FB he was going to a car show event with Hooters-type girls. It annoyed me so much, even though he had mentioned it before,
He chooses to do things, occasionally, that I think would be appropriate for single guys to do.
I was raised with "do the responsible thing" and "the W and H socialize together".
rH, I'm glad that your R is improving and continues to do so. I wanted to say that in a healthy marriage, the W and the H both do things alone. Not everything must be together. Otherwise, you become co-dependent in an unhealthy way. Everyone needs outside activities and friends other than the spouse. Without that you become a burden on each other.
So I think it is fine if your H does some things alone or just with his friends. The question is one of balance and shared expectations. How frequently does he do things alone versus doing things with you? Is it a reasonable balance? Also, how frequently do you do things without H? Like a girl's night out?
I go sailing with a bunch of guys almost once a week. I have taken my W once, and a few times she has met us afterwards at the club. But I wouldn't want her to be there every time I go. Likewise, she does her thing (Brazilian jui jitsu) at the gym. I have gone there a few times to watch. Again, I don't think she wants me there every night (nor do I want to go every night). Having these separate interests and activities makes for a healthier relationship. If we did everything together, we would smother each other.
He is taking you to Wicked, and that sounds great.
Wicked is one of my top five Musicals. So amazing! You need to look up this video on Youtube titled "FOR GOOD origins - WICKED the Musical" where Stephen Schwartz talks about the origins and source of inspiration in writing the song "For Good." Not the vocals of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth, but love the story of how it came to be.
"For Good" is very personal to me. As I walk this path, wondering if this is the road to the end, the end of "Us," I wonder what I would want him to know. I realize that without this crisis, there is always the possibility of waking up one day and he is gone from this life. If I had one chance to tell him what the time we had together meant to me, I would be at peace if those words were, "Because I knew him, I have been changed for good."
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I agree FC, it's important that each spouse has a healthy balance of interests and activities outside the M. It brings spice into the relationship and helps to prevent stagnation.
My W had almost no outside activities or hobbies. She even told me once years before BD, "You have things you're passionate about, I have nothing". Well, now she's finally coming out of her shell, and doing stuff, and I encourage it. Hopefully she will figure out that she can find her new meaning a purpose in life within our M. Hopefully I'll still be there when she does.
RH, no comment on the little black dress. I'll be a good boy.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Haha! Thanks Magic! I've been working out a lot more so feel much more confident & can hopefully stride gracefully in those heels!
Originally Posted By: FastCars
rH, I'm glad that your R is improving and continues to do so.
Thanks, FC!
I wanted to say that in a healthy marriage, the W and the H both do things alone.
This is a new thing I had to learn. We used to be like Siamese twins.
How frequently does he do things alone versus doing things with you? Is it a reasonable balance?
It's becoming more of a good balance. He does more things with me. He works out with a guy friend followed by a beer or two twice a week and tries to get an evening social activity "with the guys" every couple of weeks.
Also, how frequently do you do things without H?
Since I was a SAHM I really fall short in this area. I do ride my mountain bike alone a lot and would join a bike club if we were closer to the city. I want to expand in this area, but it's slow. I always have a guilt I s/b with H or family although I know that isn't true!
Like a girl's night out?
Never! And that would be so fun! My GF's aren't in a group and none of them drink any alcohol or ever "go out" that way. I do try to have lunch out at least twice a month (without H)
Having these separate interests and activities makes for a healthier relationship. If we did everything together, we would smother each other.
I'm seeing so much value in this.
H and I talked in MC how years ago we would have been inseparable at a party. When we went to the cookout together he expected me to keep checking up on him, which I didn't. He told the MC if I was talking to a guy out on the patio for 45 minutes (which he did talk to a girl that long) he would've kept looking out the window to check on me.
And when he saw that man that was a real flirt come in, he figured he would make a beeline for me, which he did. H shared, "I gave it a minute or two and then headed straight for rH and this guy b/c I wanted that guy to know she was my W!"
He is taking you to Wicked, and that sounds great.
Hi Raine! And as always thank you for your thoughtful insights.
I pulled up these lyrics. So beautiful.
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you...
Thank you.
FY, I think with many of our spouses, not only was there this stagnation you speak of:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I agree FC, it's important that each spouse has a healthy balance of interests and activities outside the M. It brings spice into the relationship and helps to prevent stagnation.
My W had almost no outside activities or hobbies.
But they had no confidence or personal growth b/c of fear, past history, clinging to us, or whatever.
I have a hundred things that would interest me endlessly. I never can remember in my life being bored. H was the opposite.
It contributed to his view of life that "everyone else is having a good time out there except me." Media, especially social media now, reinforced that. He had to get out and see if it was true. Same with your W, FY?
So I'm thrilled now that my H is golfing, interested in his cars, and has a minor interest in some things that used to bore him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We are planning our big night tomorrow night. We think that we will save money on dinner before the show and do an in-room wine, cheese and fruit party with the two of us. I asked H if whipped cream would go with that menu
We wanted to make as much use of the room as possible as long as we had it. So then H suggested his-and-her massages Sunday morning since we will be saving $ on dinner. I can't wait!
We went to the same hotel two years ago and had a miserable time. H was distant but trying to so the right thing, and I was weepy. He flirted with every waitress he came across. Needless to say, it was long before I heard of DB.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
H and S20 are having disagreements about who makes the rules in the house. S20 is a 4.0 student and looks like S13 is the same in his new school. Both boys are never tardy, attend all their classes and take school seriously.
My job? Cheerful and happy. Listen as needed.
My joy this week.....hearing H sing this country song:
Til my last day, til my last breath Of everyone that can, I can love you the best Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you All the way up, til they lay me down Six feet under the cold hard ground Til my last day, I'll be lovin' you
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
FY, I think with many of our spouses, not only was there this stagnation you speak of:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I agree FC, it's important that each spouse has a healthy balance of interests and activities outside the M. It brings spice into the relationship and helps to prevent stagnation.
My W had almost no outside activities or hobbies.
But they had no confidence or personal growth b/c of fear, past history, clinging to us, or whatever.
I have a hundred things that would interest me endlessly. I never can remember in my life being bored. H was the opposite.
It contributed to his view of life that "everyone else is having a good time out there except me." Media, especially social media now, reinforced that. He had to get out and see if it was true. Same with your W, FY?
Very much the same, I'd say. There's a real feeling in her that she's missed out on life, missed out on all sorts of spectacular things others did, but she was too afraid to try. I believe we have to applaud them for finally coming out of their shell, cheer for the new person they are trying to become. It really can be a search to become a better person, and live a more meaningful life.
I have to admit, her crisis has forced me to re-examine what's important to me, and what I can do to live a more fulfilling life.
But we also have to hold healthy boundaries if we don't want to lose ourselves or be taken advantage of. Respect ourselves and they are more likely to respect us.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
